So I turned 30 a few months ago. For many years I’ve enjoyed people saying I looked like I was in my early 20s and seeing their shocked expressions when I said I was actually 25, 26, 27, 28 etc filled me with oh so much joy! But last week, my gym instructor had the nerve to look shocked when I said I was 30 …. He said I looked older! I know! How dare he!!!!! I had to call on some extreme inner strength to stop the tears from spilling out of my (age-lines free) eyes. Thank God there were no sharp objects nearby. For the first time ever someone thought I looked older than my years! I know he might have been lying just to kinda shock me into losing weight to look younger or whatever.
I was born quite late in the year but I’ve never been bothered when friends tease me about being the youngest in any class or group. I mean I was always proud that I missed the 80s, albeit by a matter of weeks but that mattered to me. But now such comments are few and far between and I’m a little alarmed by that. I’m not vain and yes Naomi Campbell did say “Black doesn’t crack”, for a long time I cared deeply about my appearance and loved to look good and decent. But, marriage HAS changed me a bit. I have to admit I worry less about how I look and whether that blouse really goes well with that pair of trousers. I’m ashamed to admit this; every morning, I just rummage through the wardrobe and pull out what I can find. Not much thought goes into pulling off the right look for the day. Ei, when did this happen? I ask myself. No wonder I’m getting less (if not non-existent) winks in traffic.
And I know it is not only about the appearance. I asked myself: “But what about the rest of me? I mean my behaviour. Am I acting older than I want to seem? Am I the wet-blanket at the party?” I had a bit of a rough time mid last year and I feel I lost a bit of spark then but I am determined to recapture it!
I mean when your aunt with 4 kids is wearing the same dress size as you and has a more extensive wardrobe and seems to know what’s up in Accra than you then you know there is a problem. Some people may think this is a rather shallow way of determining I have a ‘problem but hey ebe my life and my wahala … I want to have people say to me again: “You look amazing for your age!”
Anyway, I’ve resolved to take care of my appearance, care more about how I look and also behave more vibrantly and exude more zest for life. To help me pull this off and also for those of you also experiencing premature mid-life crisis, I’ve put together some guidelines on how not to act old. You know I’m the mistress of lists …. J
1. Don’t Listen to Sorry-Ass Music – I kinda try with this. Thanks to Joy fm and Atlantis radio I always have an idea of the music at the top of the charts and also at least once a week I spend about 30 mins browsing the music channels on DSTV. I mean I still can’t make out the words to most of the songs; I couldn’t when I was 18 and I still can’t at 30and I’m not even gon try. I just can't understand the slang/accent so I make up my own and if I have time I check it out online ….. But it is still the music from the 80s and early 90s that get me screaming “ I like this song” and moving and bobbing my head.
I mean nothing can beat songs like:
| Lionel Richie / "All Night Long (All Night)" (1983) | ||
| Human League / "Don't You Want Me?" (1981) | Foreigner / "I Want to Know What Love Is" (1984) | Salt-N-Pepa / "Push It" (1986) |
| Wham! / "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" (1984) | Cyndi Lauper / "Time After Time" (1984) | Madonna / "Like a Virgin" (1984) |
| Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" (1986) | Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You" (1992) | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | Chaka Khan / "Ain't Nobody" (1989) |
| New Edition / "Candy Girl" (1983) | Queen and David Bowie / "Under Pressure" (1981) | Michael Jackson / "Billie Jean" (1982) |
I like a lot of the new songs but I do get tired of some guy telling his nigger to whop that bitch’s ass or whatever. I mean honestly these rappers, you need to re-invent yourselves ala Madonna. And all the new boy bands just do the same melodies and dance steps over and over again. But I do love Leona Lewis, Alicia Keys and Mary J Blige; you can’t fail with those ladies. But Mariah, I love you girlfriend but you need to quit trying to squeeze your rump into those dresses which are 2 sizes too small!
So I’m listening to the newbies and loving some of them and tuning out the ones I don’t love. This is not by force. And we all know most of the new songs are old ones rehashed and served to us without enough spice.
Some ideas for those of you who might want to renovate your playlists:
· If you love Diana Ross, you might like Nelly Furtado
· If you love Elvis, you might like Justin Timberlake
· And if you love Marvin Gaye, you’re totally out of luck L
2. Vodka is Out (apparently) – Some time ago, it was all about vodka tonic, vodka martini, Bloody Mary etc. I mean Cosmo championed it and apparently ( I seem to be using this word quite a lot), it was the in thing especially in the 60s and we all know how it doesn't smell, it has no distinct taste and goes with almost anything and you could get wasted without much hustle.
Well, apparently (again), it’s out. The young have turned their backs on it. So what are you supposed to drink instead if you don’t want to act old? I like Gin but my friend Ann says it’s kinda reminds her of Essex sluts; ordering their triple G&Ts almost absent mindedly and downing then almost absentmindedly as well ….. so what’s a girl to do?
If you’ve been to a hipster bar recently, you know that mixology is the thing: Precious cocktails concocted from a drop of this and a dram of that and shaken ever so vigorously with all the theatrics that would make Olivier oh so jealous. A Tony award anyone? With all these seksy names. I mean I have been tempted to take pictures to remember them by. And the decorations. Ei! Umbrellas and fancy straws them tings.
3. Be Over-dependent on Mom and Dad - With more “kids” living longer than ever with their parents, why shouldn’t you, in the interest of acting younger, join the trend? And it’s not only a home you can mooch (or sponge, bum, leech, or scab; so many new terms ….) off mom and dad, but food, furniture, clothing, and actual cash. I stop at the cash but I still go for banku nicely wrapped in poly and packed in a food warmer. It does make me feel like a little girl again when my mom does stuff for me. But beware; getting married limits how much you can sponge off your parents.
Catherine Finn, who is a bona fide futurist with a Washington firm called Social Technologies, advises those who don’t want to act old: “Be over-dependent on your parents. Have them lend you money or buy you something you really don’t need. Go a step further and move in with your parents. Then complain about how terrible it is to live with your parents.”
Some useful things you can do with your time and money once mom and dad are footing the bill: Get a qualification in beauty therapy, reflexology, fitness training, creative writing etc. Tell Daddy, you want to do something more fulfilling which would also impact positively on other people. Become a rich and famous blogger, citing me as an inspirationJ.
I am now seriously considering doing my laundry at my mom’s’ house. Maybe I’ll hit her up for toll money (can you believe the increment?), cash for fancy cocktails and her contribution to my “rainy day fund”.
4. Screw the Housework – I’ve been an advocate of this ideology forever. You get married, you move into your own home, you have kids, and even if you keep working (obviously I’m talking to the women here), somehow it becomes all about the housework and what would be on the menu tonight.
Here’s what I mean: Ask a 30+ woman to describe her perfect man, and somehow housework will always feature. He’s great in bed, and he changes the sheets! He can cook you a great dinner, listen to you talk throughout the meal, and happily cleans up afterward. Come to think of it, what sex and conversation?? If he cooks and cleans then he is in!
I know it takes a lot to run a home and life and that of the child (passing off as an adult male) you married; a lot of work and effort, and you know who ends up doing it all! So it would be great to have a man who is not afraid to don a pair of Marigolds.
Yes, but ….. 10 years ago these things weren’t that important to you so why now?? 10 years ago, I only cared about having great sex, being at the cool parties, wearing cute clothes, listen to cool music and have a cool job. And no it’s not okay just for a 20 year old to think like that; so what if you are 40 and still think this way? Wouldn’t life be sooo exciting? Wouldn’t you wake up with a smile on your face ready to embrace your day? Wouldn’t your husband, shagmate, boyfriend just love to be around this fun person?
The problem with housework is that it takes so much time and energy you don’t have anything left over for creativity and the life of the mind. You would continually moan about having to do all the work. There was one time, I got home after a long day at the office, and my husband opened the door with a smile on his face (he had missed me, aawww bless him!) and the first thing I said was: “who left those scuff marks on the floor? I’m sure it’s you”! His face just dropped. I couldn’t help it, I was thinking I need to get that mop out and clean that and I was sooo tired already!
We spend all these hours keeping a perfect house because we think people are going to judge us by it and then suddenly you turn into this sour puss constantly nagging and worrying about the state of the bathroom and kitchen etc. 20 years later, the kids are grown up and you downsize to a 2 bed bungalow and you have no career and no hobbies and nothing interesting to talk about. Eish!! Live people! Get a cleaner (if you can afford it), those dishes can wait till tomorrow. They aren’t going nowhere, if he says he will do it tomorrow, leave him, he will.
4. Hoist Those ‘Girls’ Up! - As the years advance, we full-figured babes have a weighty challenge ahead of us. How to hoist the ‘girls’ as high as possible without resorting to a bra the size of the whole Northern Ghana? And how to prevent them from kissing the floor and slamming bang into our knees as we walk.
The answer, as with so many things, is money. Any bra that’s going to do its considerable job and still look feminine, attractive and young is going to set you back at least as much as you just spent on your last servicing for your car. You’re going to have to go to a fancy lingerie department to be fitted by a trained professional brandishing a tape measure and buy it. My dad has always told my Ma he likes bobby-stand bras. He has pressed and pressed on this issue for years and I started buying her fancy and padded bras from M&S and she has loved each one of them. Cos, trust me it pays … in the bedroom and everywhere! I admire these middle-aged Ga women who represent at funerals, out-doorings etc with their boobs right up to their noses. They understand the power of a perfectly hoisted pair of boobs, the confidence that gives you is amazing. Hitting 40 is no excuse to just let the ‘girls’ down.
Your bra needs to lift, separate, streamline, steady, and smooth. Impossible? No. Expensive but worth it? Hell Yea!
DON’TS OF THE BRA-WORLD: No elastic thick and strong enough to support a bungee jumper. No more than three hooks in back. No cups so capacious they totally rule out the possibility of cleavage. No quadriboob; no backfat (though this is hard to prevent when you go past size 14...)
5. Enough of the Man-Bashing - Sad, isn’t it? I mean, what else would you and your girlfriends talk about when you meet for some fancy cocktails at Rhapsody’s? But it’s time to retire those quips about brains in penises.
And for the last time, let me just tell you my favourite man-bashing joke:
Q: What do you call the useless bit of flesh attached to a penis?
A: A man.
If you’re determined to act younger, you should know that man-bashing has gone the way of bra-burning. Feminists today love men, appreciate men, even revel in gender differences without needing to feel that men are in any way inferior to women, a stance I wholeheartedly support.
I hope my husband reads this and ‘rewards’ me handsomely tonight. Wink wink wink
6. Break that Weekend Sex Routine – Ok so weekends are the best times for you to fulfill your conjugal duties; I’m not even going to call this sex or making love. Cos anything that is scheduled and done on routine is just soooo NOT seksy!
And the thing is I DO understand cos I’ve been there. Co-habiting while in the UK and a year of marriage has taught me that there are lots of good reasons to corral sex into a regular, convenient time slot. Monday to Friday, it’s just hard n’est ce pas? Wake up at 5am, crawl into bed tired at 9pm; I mean where is the time to bump and grind? Your Blackberry is going off; Desperate Housewives are calling etc. But you know you gotta do it or else your sorry ass would be single! Forget Sundays koraaaa, Saturdays are best to get a shag in while you can. How did life become sooo boring you ask yourself? Before I got married I could find the energy to drive to his house for our regular HAS (hot afternoon sex); now that was one routine I totally ‘digged’. But now I can’t find the energy to even do it in the evenings,
Most couples find themselves indulging in ‘every-Saturday-night-whether-you-want-to-or-not’ sex. And that is NOT fun; no matter how hard you try to justify it. Something that should be fun, thrilling and heart-racing turns into a relationship-maintenance duty. Ugh! A bit like sorting your rubbish into recyclable portions; I mean that is soo unrealistic especially in Ghana but you still find yourself doing it anyway cos you think that is the adult and responsible thing to do even though you don’t enjoy it …
7. Lust after the Right Celebs – Apparently, Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas, Bill Clinton, Paul McCartney, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, et al are not the ones you should be lusting after ….. Sigh. I know, I know. I used to love Kirk Douglas too. After I watched Spartacus for the first time, I lay on my bed daydreaming about that cleft in his chin ….
The new demi-gods are the Brad Pitts, Matt Damons, Morris Chestnuts, Orlando Blooms, George Clooneys et al are the ones you should be creaming after I still think Robert Redford is cute but I hesitate to admit that cos I think I will be branded as old and uncool. Someone actually labeled Paul Newman as crusty (bless his soul). But I still think Sean Connery has been able to hold onto his sex appeal. As for Bill Clinton … wasup with these heart issues? Monica ‘held’ on for too long?
Anyway, Silvia Berlusconi will always do it for me; unless I am asked to trade him for 2 George Clooneys …..
8. Stop Hoping Paris Hilton Would Just Go Away - If you’re wondering who Paris Hilton is, then you’re worse than I am. Or maybe better off: It might be preferable to live in blissful ignorance of Paris, her sister Nicky, Tara Reid, Nicole Richie, the Kardashians and Lauren Conrad (huh? who?) than to suffer the weekly — nay, daily, hourly – torture of wondering why Paris et al are famous and when they’re just going to go away.
Never, that’s when. And yes, Paris and her friends are richer than you, they’re treated more nicely, they get way more free goodies and fabulous job offers and they most certainly get lots more sex and love too. Of course it’s not fair, naturally you deserve it more, but hoping the world will see the error of its ways and turn its attention from them to you is just, well, immature.
My recommendation: Start watching shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians (I love this actually), The Hills and Leave it to Lamas, they may not be good for your soul, but still good entertainment.
That’s all for now folks. You may not agree with me on some or almost all of that; but that would also prove that you take life way too seriously and you need to start working your way through number 1 to 8 pronto!! J
Any more that anyone would like to add? Please streaking during a football match does not count.
Quote for today:
Life is like a dick, when it’s hard, fuck it ……………… Lamisi Mbillah
