Thanks to my colleague and Ryan’s Irish Pub mate Jhonnel for coming up with this blog title J.
Maybe it's something in the water-cooler. Maybe it's the glow of the florescent lights. Perhaps it's the Mozart playing softly in the elevator. Whatever the reason, love is in the office. Almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone from work, and many more would like to find amour in a neighbouring cubicle, according to a 2001 study by Vault.com.
And guess what? It is no longer your usual scenario of ‘single male + single female’ or ‘married male + single female’; now we are having more of: ‘married male + married female’ and ‘single male + married female’ scenarios! I know we have been fighting for women’s liberation and equality in the work place for like forever but I’m still struggling to relate to why that has been stretched to affairs at work! I try and try to understand and rationalise it but just not working out well in my head especially the married woman bit.
We live in a society that is preoccupied with sex and this sexually-charged environment doesn't end at the office door. Today, there are more women in the work force than ever before, and professionals spend an average of 50 hours a week on the job; this is minus the time spent in traffic getting to and from the office. The new working situation means that people often spend more time with their co-workers than with their friends or family. Additionally, employers are requiring that women travel in conjunction with carrying out their work activities. I can understand that because if you want to be paid the same as your male colleague then you should be doing same as him and putting in same hours. However, this provides additional opportunity for close relationships to develop outside the normal work environment. Since women are more likely to associate feelings of closeness with sexual feelings, these friendships provide a fertile ground for eventually becoming sexual relationships.
When two unmarried people at work are having an affair, they have plenty of choices of time and place for sex without resorting to using the office setting. But the furtive nature of an affair involving at least one married person presents a different dilemma - often resulting in stolen moments of passion in the office.
The heady nature of an extramarital affair can cause otherwise sane and responsible people to behave in rather bizarre ways. For instance, they may go so far as to have sex on a desk (after hours) or in a locked storage room (during working hours). While the risks associated with office romances (between two single people) may be diminished by being discreet and relating in a professional way at work, office affairs (where at least one of the partners is married) carry far more risks. And let’s face it, these risks are much greater for women than for men.
The double standard for judging sexual behaviour that exists in society as a whole exists in the office as well. We are all more likely to be harsher in our judgment of the woman than the man when it comes to an office affair; and I am very guilty of that. I mean a cheating husband is part of the landscape in Ghana innit? But a cheating wife is still a novelty and just seems sooo baaaaaad.
They say we women are ‘ninjas’ but truth is there is always that huge possibility that a woman involved in an affair will be distracted by it. While most men have learned to compartmentalize their lives and separate their feelings from their ability to focus on other things, women in most cases experience some problems in blocking out the dynamics of an office affair while trying to concentrate on their work. Recipe for disaster for sure.
How about the eon-old scenario of a male boss shagging a female worker? Even though the risks of an affair with the boss are higher, there are other complicating factors that cause a woman to lose sight of the risks. She is likely to have a great deal of admiration for his ability and success and come to value him not only as a boss, but also as a friend and mentor. It also helps that he is providing the cash for her 2 years rent advance, fuel for her car etc. Power does smell and taste good. I mean for which other reason would I have a crush on Silvio Berlusconi?
Hand on my heart when I was young and silly, I did find myself in this sort of situation. We were both single (I think he was …) but he was my supervisor and I was about 19, he was about 10 years older and I was curious …. I remember us climbing to the rooftop of our office building to fool about. It was quite exciting and did not last long; the ‘relationship’ that is, not the ‘fooling about’. I was young and not emotionally attached and we remain on good terms more than 10 years later. This is not the norm however because in most cases, affairs or relationships in the office do not end well; and when an affair of this sort becomes a problem, it is usually the women who are penalized. When the affair with her boss ends, her job is likely to end as well whether voluntarily or not.
The boss often has a lot of control over a woman's future in terms of her economic well-being and her opportunities for advancement. This is not to say that women are trying to "sleep their way to the top." Most ambitious women today recognize that this is clearly not the best path to success. But their boss may play such an important part in their lives that they have difficulty separating their professional relationship from their personal feelings. However, I believe it is always a matter of choice; and I have no sympathy for the women who turn around months/years later to complain of sexual harassment if they did nothing to discourage it or encouraged it when it occurred!
But away from the boss-worker scenario, it is still just more trouble than gain getting involved with someone at work. I have a friend who was dating a colleague at work and there was never a time when she was not moaning about one thing or the other concerning the relationship. She felt that she needed time & space away from him, and it was shit seeing him at work every day and wondering how to act with him; everyone knew they were together, but he was too shy to be affectionate in front of anyone and that pissed her off. Then there was the gossiping and finally he broke up with her over her accepting a lift home from another guy from work. Not surprisingly, the rumour-mongerers got some of their facts wrong and she was the office slapper from then on even though nothing happened!
Relationships are a beautiful thing when they work out, but can be hell if they do not. As someone who works in the wonderful (not) world of Human Resources, I won’t recommend that you indulge in a relationship or an ‘affair’ with someone at your workplace whether one of you is married or not. But if you must then please follow these guidelines to maintain balance between professionalism and romance:
· Steer clear of your direct boss or subordinate - While some office connections may be acceptable, dating the person you report to, or someone who reports to you, is not.
· Do a little research - Find out if your company has policies on dating. It may forbid or strongly discourage relationships between certain people in the company or require you to report the relationship when it begins.
· Proceed with caution - You'll do yourself a favour by taking things slow. Before the relationship gets serious, be sure both of you have the maturity, judgment and tact to handle a potentially intense emotional experience in a work environment.
· Set some rules - Laying down ground rules may not be romantic, but will help you keep your work life professional and your social life unburdened by office issues.
· Be discreet
· DON’T DO IT! J
