Dowry Lists by Tribes

Unfortunately, this is not a Dede original but I think whoever put this together deserves an award!!

So delightfully politically incorrect!!!

The Gas 

1. 10 pieces of white cloth (for pregnancy & outdooring) 
2. 20 crates of Star beer (10 for the mother-in-law, 10 for father-in-law) 
3. Albion or Nissan Bluebird car 
4. 4 live pigs (for domedo) 
5. One akasanoma radio (for listening to Obunu 93.3FM) 
6. 2 years advance rent (cos you will be staying with your in-laws) 
7. 1 CD compilation of DJ Gblagazaa's Mixx feat Screwface 
8. 1 Pair Trawler 
9. 1 drum of apeteshie (for libation sake) 
10. Valid residence preferably in James Town, Mpoase, Mamprobi, Chokor, Teshie Tsui Bleeoo, Teshie Tiafi ahe

The Ashanti 

1. Valid visa to Germany/Spain/USA 
2. Shares in Obuasi Goldfields 
3. 1 Store at a Commercial Business District 
4. A degree in "yobbing" 
5. DNA Test results to prove linkage to the Asantehene 
6. Middle School Leaving Certificate (standard 7 accepted) 
7. 5 set of mortar and pestle 
8. Cassava & plantain farm (no fufu powder) 
9. Speak fluent "capo" language 
10. 1 copy of Everyday English 
11. Valid residence in areas such as Abossey Okai, North Kaneshie, Sukura, Russia

The Ewes 

1. 10kg of "atama" snuff (for the father-in-law) 
2. Oversized Tema-station suit (for future growth and expansion) 
3. Cassava farm 
4. Multi-colored XXXL towel for father-in-law (if he's from the Southern Volta) 
5. 10 pieces of white "Obroni waawu" singlets (for the father in-law) 
6. 8 pieces of multicolored vest (for Mother-in-law). To be used on market days 
7. One stall at Asigame (for mother-in-law) 
8. Connections to work in government agencies preferably post offices and hospitals 
9. 20 sets of neatly wrapped chewing sticks 
10. My First Copy Book (for retired fisherman now turned student 
11. Valid residence preferably in these locations: Madina, Agbogba, Adenta, Haatso, Libya Quarters, Ashaley Botwe

The Kwahus 

1. 3 year valid SUSU Saving bank account 
2. Hardware store- dealing in cement, iron rods, paints, roofing sheets etc. 
3. Middle School Leaving Certificate 
4. Ability to sponsor Easter trips back home every year 
5. Valid visa and work permit in Spain preferably apple plantations 
6. One drinking spot 
7. Valid residence in areas such as Dome, Taifa, Kwabenya, Saint Johns etc

The Krobos 

1. 30 packs of GSMF approved condoms (protection sake) 
2. 20 funeral cloths 
3. Ability to perform paternity tests often 
4. One blue kiosk 
5. 45 pieces of mercy soap/cream and ointment 
6. Residence in a compound house

The Fantes 

1. 20 crates of Ovaltine/Tetley tea bags 
2. 50kg of sausage 
3. 77 containers of jam/margarine
4. 67 crates of ideal milk 
5. 10 boxes of turkey wings 
6. 6 crates of eggs 
7. 1 seagoing canoe 
8. Required High School-Adisadel College & Mfantsipim 
9. Participation in keysoap TV programmes especially Cantata & Concert Party 
10. Connection to work in government agencies such as Post office, Ministries and Newspaper agencies

The Dagombas

1. Yet to be approved by the Ya-Naa.......

A friend sent me this email forward that I just had to share! So hilarious & true!!!

WICOE 
(Women In Charge Of Everything) 

Is proud to announce the opening of its 

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:  

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;  
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts. 

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum 


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

If I Were Rich ....

If I Were Rich ....

• Broadband service with the speed of lightening for everyone in Lakeside Estates! It's on me!
• I would fund a research project into manufacturing a better the ultimate g-spot-hitting vibrator
• I would fund a research project into manufacturing a safe slimming pill that zaps all the fat away in a minute! Then I would buy the Hervé Léger bandage dress in every colour and design!
• I would go on a luxury Western Mediterranean cruise, visit ports such as Venice, Dubrovnik, Santorini, Catania, Sicily, Naples, Livorno, Barcelona ....
• I would open a used book store or a coffee shop, or a combination of the two. I could have story time for kids at my book store, and big comfy couches in the back for people to relax in and read
• I would buy all ‘motivational’ and ‘self-help’ books and burn them!
• I would buy/build my dream house next to Oprah’s; she, me and Gayle would be ‘the clique’. Go on holidays together, throw parties together, go for manis and padis and relax by Oprah’s pool ..... aaaahh
• I could think more interesting thoughts. My brain would not be taken up with things like, “Should I cancel this trip to Ada so I can hold onto the petrol in my tank for 2 more days till the refill at work?”

But making this list made me think further: “What would be so different about my life if I were filthy rich?

It would certainly be nice to NOT worry about money, to NOT look forward so much to the next pay check, to NOT worry about how to take care of my parents when they become elderly and frail and likely need round the clock care, in fact to NOT worry about my own eldercare etc etc etc

But unless I become outrageously wealthy, all these things WON’T change:

1.    I won’t love my husband any more than I do now.  He won’t love me any differently, either (well I hope)

2.    I will still groan about going to the gym (even if it’s now my dream gym, in my dream home)

3.    I will still have to get that hair off my legs and complain while doing it

4.    I will still be stuck in traffic to and from work (yes even in my dream car with the chauffeur)

5.    I will still wonder whether the contractor/plumber/electrician is ripping me off (I might not care as much, but I will still wonder because I am my mother’s daughter)

And so it goes.

Like most people, on almost every day of the year I wish I had MORE.  But I am learning that rather than dream about MORE, I need to make a conscious effort to remember that I’ve already got MORE THAN ENOUGH and I’m soo much better off than a lot of people!

YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry.


Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares,


Its faults and blunders, Its aches and pains.


Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.


All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.


We cannot undo a single act we performed.


We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow.


With its possible adversities, Its burdens,


Its large promise and poor performance.


Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.


Tomorrow's Sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,


but it will rise.


Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.


This just leaves only one day . . . Today.


Any person can fight the battles of just one day.


It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternity's -


yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.


It is not the experience of today that drives people mad.


It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday


and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us therefore live but one day at a time.

~ Author Unknown ~

A Movie of My Life

When they make the movie of my life I hope they get somebody with a lot of character to play me, less about their physical beauty but more about their depth of character, somebody empathic and down-to-earth and fun-loving ….. a good human being to play me. I also hope they get a good director who cares about the impact of his work on society and not just the box-office figures, maybe an indie movie director. Someone who will be able to capture the essence of my life; make everyone see how much I’ve overcome (*snicker*) to be someone deserving of a motion picture.

I hope they go in depth about my sexual adventures, my very legendary passionate adventures. I hope they mention I was very good with children, good with the elderly and animals and and and and. …. in fact scratch the animals bit, I can’t stand the nasty buggers! For all I care, all animals are meant to be Man’s lunch, yes including those cuddly kittens! I hope that fabulous director is able to make everyone realize how they underrated me, how they disbelieved and misperceived this living saint and woman of absolute virtue (*snicker*).

To be absolutely honest, if they really made a movie of my life they'd show me going to watch a thousand stupid romantic comedies (and later in life dragging my poor husband along), they’d also show that I read a lot of nothing little novels; how I devoured all those Mills & Boon and Harlequin Romance nonsense in my teenage years and in my early adulthood (present), the wanton sexual scenes in the Jackie Collins and Louise Bagshawe novels, oh those meaningless Chick Lits ….

Everyone will see my mediocrity, how I deserve to be forgotten just like everybody else and how I also actually DO NOT mind at all being forgotten by the masses. I only want to be remembered fondly by those who mattered to me when I lived. I would want them to remember me not because I did anything gigantic or formidable but just cos I lived and I was part of their lives as they were of mine. I wouldn’t deserve any portrayal or depiction; I just want to be left alone living my little very very very little life ………….. and loving it

Anyway, to the real point of this blog entry – should this fantasy movie of my life be made, I have picked my favourite male stars to play the parts of everyone from my holiday flings, to my dad and even my stylist! A girl can but dream, after all…

Boyfriend – Olivier Martinez: I can’t think of anyone better to cuddle up on the sofa and watch arty French films with than dreamy-eyed and buff Olivier Martinez - swoon!

Dad - Bill Murray: Just think – the celebrity friends, the ‘Dad’ jokes that are actually funny, the wads of cash to take you out on a shopping spree, the understanding, ‘You do what makes you happy, dear…’ attitude… The man was in Ghostbusters for crying out loud – what more could you ask for? Dear Bill Murray, will you adopt me?

Brother – Jake Gyllenhaal: He is good-looking but I just don’t fancy him, not at all! This doe-eyed fella seems so caring and considerate and I wouldn’t mind him playing my big bro. He seems to get on real well with his sister Maggie and the crux of all this is that he has the hottest friends ever (helloooo Heath Ledger, Austin Nichols). Please be my brother, Jake!

Teacher – Robert De Niro: Wise, knowledgeable, plenty to stare up at over an exercise book...Annnnnd suddenly geography gets very, very interesting! Picture the scene; me sitting at my desk, head in hand, peering over my text book as he dreamily reads out a passage about convectional rainfall, before I recite – clearly and perfectly – the answer to his question. He smiles, I smile. He turns around to write on the board …. Psssst, he loves black ladies tooo

Boss - Will Smith: I’m thinking circa Fresh Prince days – sliding down banisters, all-day pool parties, DJ sets from Jazzy Jeff at the office Christmas party, abundant good food catered by Labadi beach Hotel in the canteen, generous bonuses for hilarious behaviour (the kind that you can use as a deposit on a Trasaco mansion) and ‘Wear your MC Hammer trousers to work’ days. Sigh…

Holiday Fling/Romance - Jude Law: I am not sure I could hack a long-term relationship with Mr. Smooth himself; I would forever be checking out the nanny and any leggy blonde who walks past, but for kicking back on a white sandy beach with a couple of cocktails and a lovely pair of peepers to stare into for seven days, I reckon he’d be perfect. So long as Icould give him and his brogues back afterwards...

Personal Trainer - Kellan Lutz: Need encouragement to haul yourself to the gym in the morning? Not in myfantasy – Twilight’s Kellan Lutz is ready and waiting outside my door to whip me into tip-top shape before I can say ‘Edward Cullen who?’ No-one, it seems, has pecks like that to check out when you get bored of squats and press ups.

Doctor - George Clooney: “Doctor, Doctor! We can’t find her pulse!” “You mean her heart skipped a beat when I walked in looking positively ravishing in my duck egg blue overalls that show off my pecks and my gorgeous brown eyes?” “Exactly, Doctor.” “Bring me a bin liner – stat. The only way we’re going to revive this patient is if I leave the room or cover myself up.” I probably wouldn’t survive an encounter with dear Georgie….

Husband – Taye Diggs: If it’s possible to get any more jealous of talented American actress, singer and songwriter Idina Menzel, then her super-hot, super-intelligent, super-awesome (need I go on?) husband Taye Taye Diggs has certainly turned me green with envy.

Gay Best friend - Perez Hilton: Everyone likes a good gossip, so who better to knock back the lattes with than the ultimate gossip queen himself, Perez Hilton? He’s as loyal as a Labrador if you’re his friend, but for your enemies? They better watch out – Perez’ sharp tongue, quick wit and ruthless investigation will drag up those guilty secrets faster than you can tweet ‘OMG’.

Uncle - Robert Downey Jr: Coolest uncle ever award goes to? Erm – real life Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, obviously! I don’t think I need to try too hard to sell Robert Downey JR as my favourite fantasy relative…

Granddad - Sean Connery: ... I have moved on from the crush I used to have on him. Not many people can boast being related to James Bond, Robin Hood, Indiana Jones’ dad, and Highlander’s Juan Sanchez. Just think of Christmas…

Friend with Benefits – Hugh Jackman: Hilariously funny, a good listener, great at giving advice…He’s got all the qualities I need in a guy pal. But there is one gigantic, gaping hole of a problem in this symbiotic relationship – he’s also ridculously handsome. I’m not sure I could stick to being ‘just good friends’ with Hughie baby…

Stylist – Andre 3000: There are very few men on this planet that can pull off the type of ensembles Andre gets dolled up in on the red carpet and while I’m not keen on ALL his outfits, I’d love to harness some of that natural style power for my own wardrobe.

Dinner Date - Jack Nicholson: The scintillating conversation, the fascinating snippets of Hollywood gossip, the ever-intriguing behind-the-scenes stories on movies such as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Batman, A Few Good Men, As Good As It Gets … And I haven’t even mentioned that naughty glint in his eyes and that positively mischievious laugh!. Definitely worth sharing a cheese cake with. Well, some of it anyway...

Colleague - Shia LaBeouf: Aside from the fact he’s great value for money (the best in Hollywood, so I hear), I reckon I could use a quick-thinking, smart, and loyal guy. Gives me something to stare at over the water cooler, anyhow…

Chauffeur - Brad Pitt: What? I said this was my dream movie, and in my dream movie, I’d refuse to be driven anywhere at any time other than by Brad Pitt himself in a limo. I’d be an awesome boss too – take him out for dinner, to the movies, whatever. So long as he drives me to Shoprite and back every Sunday, he may keep his job.

So my loyal readers, which men would you fantasize as featuring in a movie about your lives and also who do you think could play me in my movie? Remember, that someone has to be tall, willowy with curves in the right places, long-haired (natural), super intelligent with a trilling laugh ……… Just like me! Ha!

The Rules of Being Human

I received this from my friend Saviera and thought I'd share with my own additions in bold at the end ;-)....

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. - Does this imply that reincarnation actually exists? Then next time I really want to come back with Selma Hayek's body and Hilary Clinton's brains.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works." - Hmmmm, don't we all sometimes wished some failures had not ocurred at all? But never lose the lesson!

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. - Oh for fuck's sake! It's like being made to write "I will never chew gum in class" a hundred times on the blackboard as punishment

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here." - True that! Always shifting the goal posts init?

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. - I don't quite agree with this but maybe I just don't get it?

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. - Say that again! We are masters of our own destinies I always say. We should quit blaming ill-luck, 'the system' or someone else when things go wrong.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answer to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. This will often be forgotten, only to be remembered again.

(Cherie Carter-Scott)

Happy Birthday to My Wonderful Mother!

Below is the status I put up on Facebook today:

Ma, on your birthday, I celebrate you being you, my extraordinary mother.
You have made such a difference, created so much good in my life!
I celebrate your smart mothering, your boundless physical and emotional energy; loving me, leading me, supporting me, lifting me when I fall.
On your birthday, Ma, I celebrate the best thing about my life...having you as my mother, a mother like the one I want to be.

I don't want to go on and on about how great she is because well simply put: she is. She is the best mother I could have ever imagined. I tell myself almost every day how lucky my siblings and I are to be borne by her; we are all sooo blessed to have her in our lives.

She loves her family unconditionally. She is and will always be the mom I hope I am when I have my kiddibubs. I have appreciated her more as I have grown older and gotten married myself. I tell you, as a parent your job doesn’t end when your child marries; it just shifts into a whole new gear/dimension in which you need serious tact, mediation and arbitration skills. And my oh my Olivia Ofei has done herself proud in her new role as mother to a young married woman and mother-in-law. She is always there with a kind ear; well she is also able to seriously tell me off when I’m out of line. Thanks to her, I’ve not had to cook any banku even though my husband loves it; freshly cooked banku in a food warmer is transported from Sakumono to Ashalley Botwe on a regular basis. The only fufu that has been pounded in my house was arranged by her when she came over for a few days during the New Year.

I have had a couple of rough moments in the past couple of years and on each occasion, she has come over to stay and take care of me without a word of complaint! She just does this mothering thing so well and makes being a working mother seem so effortless! No wonder I always say that when I grow up I want to be like my Mama, never mind that I’m past 30 years of age. I still don’t think I’m half the woman she was at my age. She was a mother of 4 with 2 stepchildren and a husband who worked out of the country by the time she was 30! I just don’t know how she did it!

She has this knack of getting people (both young and old, in fact more young) to feel comfortable around her. My friends get on marvelously well with her, they think she is a riot and a half but I always say: “well different if she is your mother”. Because, as much as she would laugh and share the latest celeb gossip with me, the next minute, I’m being grounded and slagged off proper for misconduct. You always know where you stand with her; classic case of ‘what you see is what you get’. She never minces her words and always says it like it is. That is one trait I’ve picked up from her; I’d like to think I’m without much pretense; life is soo much simpler like that.

She is also sooo smart; she was the smartest as a child among her siblings of 5. And even now, she still amazes me with her knowledge of current world affairs. Of course it helps that her bedside radio is permanently tuned in to BBC World Service; she sleeps and wakes up to it. She is aware she knows and is usually ready to offer her opinionJ!

I mean how did she do it raising us and how does she still do it now? How can you explain that her 4 kids ranging in age from 30 to 22 call her first for any piece of advice? You will think these will be the times when we are off living our lives and making our own decisions and being all grown-up. She is sooo down-earth, has a naturally enquiring and discerning mind, loves reading and working out puzzles. The best and most appreciated gift to her is never anything expensive and elaborate but a book of crossword puzzles and cheap tabloid celeb-gossip filled magazines. She can tell you where Anjelina Jolie and Bard Pitt holidayed at last summer and whats up in Eastenders! LOL! And she is ever sooo grateful, one thing I love about her! The morning after you give this woman something, she will call you to say thank you. Olivia Ofei (nee Siameh-Mensah) is not just a wonder mother but a decent human being.

So before this entry starts sounding like a tribute to a dead person, in a nutshell, my mother is pretty stinking amazing and I love her soooo much! I look forward to many more years with her and I just can’t wait to see her hanging out with her grandkids! I sooo want my kids to have the privilege of knowing this amazing human being!