When they make the movie of my life I hope they get somebody with a lot of character to play me, less about their physical beauty but more about their depth of character, somebody empathic and down-to-earth and fun-loving ….. a good human being to play me. I also hope they get a good director who cares about the impact of his work on society and not just the box-office figures, maybe an indie movie director. Someone who will be able to capture the essence of my life; make everyone see how much I’ve overcome (*snicker*) to be someone deserving of a motion picture.
I hope they go in depth about my sexual adventures, my very legendary passionate adventures. I hope they mention I was very good with children, good with the elderly and animals and and and and. …. in fact scratch the animals bit, I can’t stand the nasty buggers! For all I care, all animals are meant to be Man’s lunch, yes including those cuddly kittens! I hope that fabulous director is able to make everyone realize how they underrated me, how they disbelieved and misperceived this living saint and woman of absolute virtue (*snicker*).
To be absolutely honest, if they really made a movie of my life they'd show me going to watch a thousand stupid romantic comedies (and later in life dragging my poor husband along), they’d also show that I read a lot of nothing little novels; how I devoured all those Mills & Boon and Harlequin Romance nonsense in my teenage years and in my early adulthood (present), the wanton sexual scenes in the Jackie Collins and Louise Bagshawe novels, oh those meaningless Chick Lits ….
Everyone will see my mediocrity, how I deserve to be forgotten just like everybody else and how I also actually DO NOT mind at all being forgotten by the masses. I only want to be remembered fondly by those who mattered to me when I lived. I would want them to remember me not because I did anything gigantic or formidable but just cos I lived and I was part of their lives as they were of mine. I wouldn’t deserve any portrayal or depiction; I just want to be left alone living my little very very very little life ………….. and loving it
Anyway, to the real point of this blog entry – should this fantasy movie of my life be made, I have picked my favourite male stars to play the parts of everyone from my holiday flings, to my dad and even my stylist! A girl can but dream, after all…
Boyfriend – Olivier Martinez: I can’t think of anyone better to cuddle up on the sofa and watch arty French films with than dreamy-eyed and buff Olivier Martinez - swoon!
Dad - Bill Murray: Just think – the celebrity friends, the ‘Dad’ jokes that are actually funny, the wads of cash to take you out on a shopping spree, the understanding, ‘You do what makes you happy, dear…’ attitude… The man was in Ghostbusters for crying out loud – what more could you ask for? Dear Bill Murray, will you adopt me?
Brother – Jake Gyllenhaal: He is good-looking but I just don’t fancy him, not at all! This doe-eyed fella seems so caring and considerate and I wouldn’t mind him playing my big bro. He seems to get on real well with his sister Maggie and the crux of all this is that he has the hottest friends ever (helloooo Heath Ledger, Austin Nichols). Please be my brother, Jake!
Teacher – Robert De Niro: Wise, knowledgeable, plenty to stare up at over an exercise book...Annnnnd suddenly geography gets very, very interesting! Picture the scene; me sitting at my desk, head in hand, peering over my text book as he dreamily reads out a passage about convectional rainfall, before I recite – clearly and perfectly – the answer to his question. He smiles, I smile. He turns around to write on the board …. Psssst, he loves black ladies tooo
Boss - Will Smith: I’m thinking circa Fresh Prince days – sliding down banisters, all-day pool parties, DJ sets from Jazzy Jeff at the office Christmas party, abundant good food catered by Labadi beach Hotel in the canteen, generous bonuses for hilarious behaviour (the kind that you can use as a deposit on a Trasaco mansion) and ‘Wear your MC Hammer trousers to work’ days. Sigh…
Holiday Fling/Romance - Jude Law: I am not sure I could hack a long-term relationship with Mr. Smooth himself; I would forever be checking out the nanny and any leggy blonde who walks past, but for kicking back on a white sandy beach with a couple of cocktails and a lovely pair of peepers to stare into for seven days, I reckon he’d be perfect. So long as Icould give him and his brogues back afterwards...
Personal Trainer - Kellan Lutz: Need encouragement to haul yourself to the gym in the morning? Not in myfantasy – Twilight’s Kellan Lutz is ready and waiting outside my door to whip me into tip-top shape before I can say ‘Edward Cullen who?’ No-one, it seems, has pecks like that to check out when you get bored of squats and press ups.
Doctor - George Clooney: “Doctor, Doctor! We can’t find her pulse!” “You mean her heart skipped a beat when I walked in looking positively ravishing in my duck egg blue overalls that show off my pecks and my gorgeous brown eyes?” “Exactly, Doctor.” “Bring me a bin liner – stat. The only way we’re going to revive this patient is if I leave the room or cover myself up.” I probably wouldn’t survive an encounter with dear Georgie….
Husband – Taye Diggs: If it’s possible to get any more jealous of talented American actress, singer and songwriter Idina Menzel, then her super-hot, super-intelligent, super-awesome (need I go on?) husband Taye Taye Diggs has certainly turned me green with envy.
Gay Best friend - Perez Hilton: Everyone likes a good gossip, so who better to knock back the lattes with than the ultimate gossip queen himself, Perez Hilton? He’s as loyal as a Labrador if you’re his friend, but for your enemies? They better watch out – Perez’ sharp tongue, quick wit and ruthless investigation will drag up those guilty secrets faster than you can tweet ‘OMG’.
Uncle - Robert Downey Jr: Coolest uncle ever award goes to? Erm – real life Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, obviously! I don’t think I need to try too hard to sell Robert Downey JR as my favourite fantasy relative…
Granddad - Sean Connery: ... I have moved on from the crush I used to have on him. Not many people can boast being related to James Bond, Robin Hood, Indiana Jones’ dad, and Highlander’s Juan Sanchez. Just think of Christmas…
Friend with Benefits – Hugh Jackman: Hilariously funny, a good listener, great at giving advice…He’s got all the qualities I need in a guy pal. But there is one gigantic, gaping hole of a problem in this symbiotic relationship – he’s also ridculously handsome. I’m not sure I could stick to being ‘just good friends’ with Hughie baby…
Stylist – Andre 3000: There are very few men on this planet that can pull off the type of ensembles Andre gets dolled up in on the red carpet and while I’m not keen on ALL his outfits, I’d love to harness some of that natural style power for my own wardrobe.
Dinner Date - Jack Nicholson: The scintillating conversation, the fascinating snippets of Hollywood gossip, the ever-intriguing behind-the-scenes stories on movies such as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Batman, A Few Good Men, As Good As It Gets … And I haven’t even mentioned that naughty glint in his eyes and that positively mischievious laugh!. Definitely worth sharing a cheese cake with. Well, some of it anyway...
Colleague - Shia LaBeouf: Aside from the fact he’s great value for money (the best in Hollywood, so I hear), I reckon I could use a quick-thinking, smart, and loyal guy. Gives me something to stare at over the water cooler, anyhow…
Chauffeur - Brad Pitt: What? I said this was my dream movie, and in my dream movie, I’d refuse to be driven anywhere at any time other than by Brad Pitt himself in a limo. I’d be an awesome boss too – take him out for dinner, to the movies, whatever. So long as he drives me to Shoprite and back every Sunday, he may keep his job.
So my loyal readers, which men would you fantasize as featuring in a movie about your lives and also who do you think could play me in my movie? Remember, that someone has to be tall, willowy with curves in the right places, long-haired (natural), super intelligent with a trilling laugh ……… Just like me! Ha!
