What's your number? According to a new survey, a third of women aren't honest when it comes to 'fessing up about the number of men that they have slept with. And it is not even just an African thing, European, American; Asian etc women all do it. But why do we do this? And what's the right approach to addressing this touchy subject with your man? Also, can the same be said for the men? And when we lie why do they lie about the numbers?
According to a research reported in the UK newspaper Daily Mail, a third of women are guilty of lying outright when asked how many sexual partners they've had - and of those women, the majority (64%) go for a number that's smaller than the truth. But of course! I can’t think of anyone who would increase that particular number, in fact 64% is damn too low!
I have been honest before and I have also lied about this particular issue and it has always been influenced by who was asking. And if I lied, I’ve always thought it was a teeny white lie and nothing to lose sleep over. Funny thing is I don’t recall ever asking a guy this question; I’ve never really cared. I may ask how many ex-girlfriends they’ve had but never about how many sexual partners they have had. But how come I’ve been asked this by most men I’ve been with or considered being with? Why does it matter so much to men? Why do we even have that conversation? And why do we lie about it?
For some women, going through all of the gory details just seems like a bit TMI (Too Much Information). Some women do what we call ‘lying by omission’. When asked the question, they suddenly suffer from amnesia and give such a vague answer, it’s almost a non-answer. I have been guilty of that. Over the years I have somehow outlined the edited highlights - only the important or long-term relationships rather than the mistakes, 2 months relationships or non-starters; thankfully never a one night stand. We women usually lie about our sexual history because of our fear of rejection; we downplay our sexual history when we are dating someone we like.
Not surprisingly, feeling I had to lie to some wanna-be boyfriend or suitor is a red-flag for me. It tells me I can’t be with you if I feel you can’t accept me for what I am, warts and all. I have learned that nothing has come out of the liaisons I’ve had with the guys I’ve lied to but on the occasions I’ve been up front and honest, it has made me feel closer to the guy. It is my view that if you're with a man who can't respect the way you've decided to manage your sex life, he's probably not worth your time. I am myself from the minute all is bared out and of course it helps if he is also honest and accepts and appreciates the truth. It has been easier for me not because I’ve not had many ex sexual partners but because I naturally gravitate towards men who are free-thinkers like me and don’t make a big deal of the past. Though, I must add that my number is not that huge considering my age and how long I've been having sex (13 years). Well this is the argument I use to console myself! Hahahaaaaa.
But other women may not be lucky in finding men who are not critical and hence not every woman might want to be as open. Ultimately, as with the other aspects of one’s love life, disclosing your number - or not - comes down to personal choice but so many women gravitate towards bending the truth. Why we do have to downplay our sexual prowess? I think that if women lie then it perpetuates the myth that women are less interested in sex than men, and that women should have fewer sexual partners.
Most of you guys will admit that you feel better deep inside knowing that your girl has not ‘been’ with too many other men before you; to put it crudely, she has not got that high a mileage! :-) But why should it matter??? It makes things sooo tough for women. We make mistakes and we try to move on and try and minimize the impact of those mistakes on the rest of our lives. I don’t think us women want to lie but both men and women feel free to judge your choices in the way they'd never do with a man. In the face of that, and all the double standards, who can blame a girl for managing her PR?' In fact, I know some people who will need a whole team of people to manage their PR for sure! Mileage be what! But what the heck! Why should it matter I ask again!?
So, What do you think? Is honesty the best policy, or is this an area of your personal life where you think it's fine to stretch (or shrink) the truth?
eye asem ooooh. u talk true papa ma sista.nsem pii keke, BTW so do u compare skills ,size, styles etc.
ReplyDeletea pal of myne said she doesnt know which is better as in the no of cups uve been drinkg from n just drinkg 4rm one cup for the rest of ya life cos u know Comparing is natural.whats ya take???
nce piece thou- so do u work at all,blogging fb et all. and oh can u do a piece on y u wan 4boyz(ve got 2- wink wink),or its just say some n ............
wink wink
Mrs L paaaa wony3 papa! but i love you for that!
ReplyDeleteI personally think it's boring drinking from one cup forever. I have friends who married the 1 person they have ever slept with and I've had fleeting moments when I've felt sorry for them small especially when they were going through issues with sex in the marriage. But what matters is what they feel. Extreme promiscuity is bad but a bit of 'experience' does help when you eventually settle down with your life partner. The men want to have their cake and eat it too, You want a wife who can rock you well well in the sack but you cant accept the fact that some experience is gained from trial and error and not just from books!
i agree. d guys always wanna bully abi.
ReplyDeletecos theyve got the stick.
LMAO
Dede,
ReplyDeleteits a topic we can talk about all day but heres what I think.
1. women lie cos they think they are afraid the men they love will judge them
2.women are generally more secure and downt need those details
3. men are naturally more suspicious & needy than women
4. Women think that if you have had many sex partners then it means you are a "bad" girl
but what we need to realize is that
1. having several sex partners does NOT make you a bad person. it may mean the relationships you were in didnt work out
2.If you are asked, just tell the truth cos as you say, you need to be loved for what you are and not a lie. Plus its a good way to find out if your partner loves you warts and all. if not.....to the left!
3. Understand that men are different from women and need to feel secure even more than we do
4. Ghana is full of konkonsa people who will add pepper and salt to your story - so get your story out b4 they can.
Peace - I am out ! Anne
Interesting piece...
ReplyDeleteI personally think that the past should be left in the past.
From experience, guys are more interested in the number than women and they ask as soon as they get the chance...... and often use it to judge the lady.
There again, honesty should be the best policy, after all you should love me and love ma dog...moreover a car with a high mileage only means it knows all the corner corners..........abi?
@Dede, for a sexperience age of 13yrs, what should be the ideal range of numbers...... i want to gauge my numbers... and probably bring it up to speed........lol
Admirer, Manchester
Hahahahha, I like the Manchester admirer. Yeah, Dede, I'm 31 and lost it at 18/19, so tell me, whats the ideal number eh?
ReplyDeleteFor me, I think I'm gonna lie till Kingdom come. It's not cos there've been that many, but it's just the society I live in. It's too big of a risk to spill the beans, trust me. There have been a couple of people I've been truthful with and cos of that, they see me in a certain light. Men will forever want the less experienced, somewhat untouched woman. It's not like they want virgins, they just want semi-virgins. And women are adaptive creatures, we give men what they want, even if it means lying or building new personas.
I'm sorry, but this is one subject I just can't be honest about. Maybe when me and my hubby are 70+ and sitting on our porch, I will tell him the whole truth.
It's all nice, lofty and dandy to say 'truth is important' but hey, I'm 31 and hoping to get married someday. Truth can wait.
For me the big question is do you want to be with a man who is bothered by a number? I mean I'm partial to tweaking myself a bit to gel more with a man I'm interested in; just a teeny bit though, in ways that can enhance myself but not a personality overhaul.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had never asked me this but he jokingly asked me after reading this blog and I asked him if he really wanted to know. The answer was: "No, i will only be a little bothered if they were people in my circle". And I understand that cos that could cause some awkward moments at social gatherings.
But, I kinda understand what Boakyewaa is saying; it's unfortunate, we live in this society with men AND women who place so much emphasis/importance on sexual prowess and the need for women to remain somewhat chaste and save themselves for The One.
That is the sad truth.
As for the number appropriately associated with a sexperience of 13 yrs, all i can say is for a long time no relationship of mine lasted for more than a year; throw in a few 'purely physical trysts and viola! hahahaha
Unfortunately, I can not boast of a single digit like our government is doing :(
Admirer in Manchester, reveal thyself
ReplyDelete@Boakyewaa, i kinda agree with you, men want semi-virgins these days but they don't stay as such.......how ironic innit?
ReplyDelete@Dede, this admirer will remain as such for now, lest an awkward moment will be created at a social gathering somewhere..............lol, just kidding. I semi-know you........at a distance i must add.
Admirer, Manchester.
now that is a hard one to admit. my husband asked me that question after revealing an issue that happened on campus. too desperate to know.he countered his past the 31 mark and gave up with the hope i will say something. since then, the first question he will ask after any different style of sex is 'where did you learn that from'.... 'i watched a porn tape and wanted to try it'...thats my answer.
ReplyDeletemost men want to believe their partners are semi virgin(mine especially), not too exposed, one of the best on the market, he is the know all, been there, done it and now teaching you the skill of the trade. why spoil their thoughts, why make then think they've misfired. that is a bruise on their ego.
As for me my number is '2' aside him and when i talk about my past, they are the only people i talk about. there is no point telling him they are more than 10. im his innocent queen and that is where it stay. maybe someday i will but i dont think so. NEVER
scottish lady
I'm not sure if lying about the number has anything to do with women trying to perpetuate the myth we're less interested in sex. I think it has more to do with how the society perceives a woman who's had several sexual partners. Whereas a man in the same situation will be called "don juan", receive a pat on his shoulder, be complemented, a woman will be called a slut. We're expected to "keep ourselves" but men are free to sleep with however many they want. Society judges women harshly even when she's known to "move with", (not necessarily sleeping with them all) different guys.
ReplyDeleteSo I can definitely understand Boakyewaa's angst about revealing the number.
Monica
I would NEVER reveal the exact number to anyone..not even to myself!! i like to use the number of the proper relationships i have had as the number of sexual partners. so 2 the number is and shall remain between me and myself....why add the would-have been relationships that never stood a chance, or f**k mates, who i got on so well with, but could never have a proper relationship with.
ReplyDeleteWARNING TO ALL- Do not discuss past with present, guys HATE it, even when they ask first. or do what i do, divide the secret number by 4 or even 5.....and for you chics that need to, divide by 10!!!!!!!!!!!lol
seriously Dede 13yrs wow!!!!!!
friend of a friend
Why do you girls even bother to go through the trouble of working the math????Trust me, this is just not a conversation to have with a guy. They will hold it against you and even add things you never mentioned. Believe me, if you have told them and they haven't upbraided you yet, it does not mean they are all mature and will never mention it.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, it will pop up one FINE day. ALL men are big babies.
Brothers from other Mothers-that's just what they are.
Knowing this information will never add to the relationship. It might perhaps subtract, who knows? (fickle men)
If even you claim 1, they feel the pinch.Claim to be a virgin too and trust me, that jaw-dropping facial expression does not necessarily mean"good job" . I can bet my last penny that expression is the biggest reflection of the word DISAPPOINTED.
So there!!!You can never ever win.Why bother???
Kandi
so basically, past experience have taught most women to shut their traps? (pun not intended hehe)
ReplyDeleteeei, thinking about it now, am wondering if the ones i 'fooled around with' ie..received and gave some 'oral loving' to but didnt go all the way(bcoz i came to my senses) are also sexual partners????
ReplyDeletethis has got me thinking....hmmmmmmmm:)
f of a f
1 and married to him. But I wonder if it may have been interesting to have had some experience. (did i say that aloud?)
ReplyDeleteBut on a serious note, 1 has its' own benefits and for me, I like the number 1.
Anon!
Friend of a friend, oral sex is sexual relations unless you are Bill Clinton! LOL!!!!!
ReplyDeletehahaha dede you are something else, i am really loving this.my take on this is 'shut your gulp about it.lol
ReplyDeleteLOL! Interesting Dede!
ReplyDeleteSince men want "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed", one would think they could appreciate all that honesty about 'mileage' considering the experience it brings.
Alas! most men cannot handle the truth about a woman's sexual prowess. Don't know if it's an ego thing or just insecurities, or perhaps misinformation/ ignorance about female sexual desire or what.
Even the seemingly open-minded guys at a point act funny about that information. It has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass later on... sometimes months or even years down the line (some weird delayed reaction).
It can be such an awkward moment when you are being asked, seemingly casually or nonchalantly, about other partners, as per some earlier conversation. And you are not sure whether the guy really truly wants to know if your favourite style now was your favourite style then, or worse whether the other guy/s (or to be politically correct partners, just in case...;))satified you more or what! (such tribulation!).
At which point (if it's a relationship you cherish) then a teensy bitsy little white lie, herein called flattery, could really save the day. Hmm, that is where you call the things that are not as if they are and refer to his lilliput as Hercules, and tell him how he makes the earth move for you and things! LOL!!
You really don't want the hassle of dealing with an insecure guy with a bruised ego.
Dede, I've realized the wisdom in obeying the Miranda rights: "you have the the right to remain silent because anything you say can and will be used against you..."!
So, in as much as honesty is the best policy in life, hmmmm, as for this matter dieee please, eh some discretion may be in order.
if a guy really pressures to know then come clean with the truth if not nobody's asking for details. let sleeping dogs lie.
ReplyDeleteVickie, you are a riot! I like the Miranda Warning comparison paaaa!
ReplyDeleteInteresting to note how many men are living a lie ( smile )
ReplyDeleteI am an advocate of "declaring" all at the start. If a relationship can takeoff with all that ballast, it''ll be more robust and fly higher and longer than others.
Funny thing is that whether the sistren downplay the mileage or not, we idren ALWAYS know the total score, courtesy of the grapevine.
An idren will ALWAYS mention the notch on their guitar to at least one other soul on earth. Who in turn will swear the next to secrecy. And so on and so forth.... See More
If her fella isn't told the truth, his brethren will get to know anyway. They might not tell him for fear of "hurting" him and that for me is a lot worse.
Total and Maximum Respect Dede!! As usual you dare to be different. You are way ahead of your time
Men, you can never satisfy them. They want an 'experienced' person but can't handle the fact that to get that experience, you need to have that mileage. Someone once told me there is a rule of 3; men multiply by 3, women divide by 3-not fair at all. Why can't I multiply by 3 too. If you can't handle the truth, why ask? Anyway, to 'reveal or not to reveal' all depends on numbers and the guy. Say you meet someone, you really like him and want to be with, and you know that even saying you had 2/3 guys before him is going to be a problem, charley just go all out and lie. 'Oh there was just one person, and we went out for 8 yrs blah blah blah' and pray that by the time it comes to bite you (if it does), it will be too late for the guy to do anything about it :) As it stands at this moment in time, I say 'reveal it all, if the guy can't handle it, then his loss'.
ReplyDeleteinteresting comments...have pondered over this issue for a while...will i be man enough to accept the numbers?...will it dent my perception of her?...will it improve our relationship?....well, for me i think i get curious at times but honestly i feel it is unnecessary to know the number...for the guys out there forget the numbers and work on your game..my philosophy is you might have had a hundred but when its my turn...u will appreciate me as the jack of all trades and master of all...btw..the Rotary Four Way test should be used in this situation..particularly, will it be beneficial and foster good relations between both of u?..
ReplyDeleteSelasi