Turning My Face to the Sun

Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you.

--Maori proverb

There are days when nothing seems right, when every move you make blows up in your face, when opportunities are missed just because you were not smart or fast enough, when God seems to have abandoned you, when nothing and no one can offer you any comfort, when you try but fail terribly to look beyond the awful experiences you may be having at a particular time. I have had such moments and I’m quite certain that you have as well. But oh so sweet are the moments afterwards when the sun literally comes out and shines sooo brightly in your little corner and you wonder and feel like screaming out loud to the Lord: “What did I do to deserve all these blessings?”

The one blessing that I have had in the last 2 years has been the blessing of getting hitched to this man who I now call my husband. Truth is I’m more sure he is the one now than when we were actually exchanging vows. Another truth is that on our wedding day, I found the whole proceeding so damn amusing and if you were there, you could recall the stupid grin I had on my face as I walked up and down the aisle. Trust me, it wasn’t a sign of “ooh, I’m marrying the man of my dreams and we are going to live happily ever after etc etc etc”; I was thinking more: “look at all these people dressed up and here because of me, oh goodness, i’m getting married! That is sooo grown-up!”. LOL!!

But did God know that I was about to experience some very trying times ahead and I would need the support of this gentle giant? He sure did know! Marriage is a good thing; IF it is with the right person, there is nothing sweeter than having a partner to share both the good and the bad with, to bicker with, to have evil thoughts about, to have crap sex with, to worry about, to comfort you without expecting anything back and just be by your side though it all.

For the past year, I have had a crap time at work; professionally or career-wise I can’t account for the past year. For the first few months, I quite enjoyed having fewer responsibilities while I waited for a new role to kick in; but it didn’t quite. And I just got sucked into this attitude of forever moaning to the husband when I got home. I was soo tired out of doing almost nothing and I could almost feel my brain cells shutting down section by section like ECG’s recent activities. Coupled with some other personal issues I was going through (I won’t bore you with that detail), my life was just turning into one big black hole of mild depression.

Then one early morning at work, I did what I had been threatening to do (at home) forever, I resigned from work! I just had to do it; I could see no other way to bring some sanity and peace into my life. The uncertainty of having no means of income was over-ruled by this strong desire to bring change into my life. I knew I had to be BRAVE!!! When I handed in that letter, there was this huge feeling of relief coursing through me; it was almost like I had been holding my breath for the past 12 months and now I could breathe again! I just cannot adequately describe how I felt for the next 48 hours.

No one could understand how I could just up and resign when I did not have another job waiting. My response was “I just had to do it! I want to begin 2011 on a new note and I’m confident I would find something by March!” They still didn’t get me and I have to admit that after a couple of weeks, I started getting nervous, a teeny bit. I just couldn’t bring myself to actively search for a new job; I turned down 3 interviews for various reasons. I eventually went for one and got offered the job!! Such relief again!! God is gooood! He pulled though for me just when I was beginning to doubt myself.

For a long time, my life had been smooth, no drama. I went to school and excelled with minimum effort. I got good-paying jobs without too much hustle. I had relationships (well quite a number of them) with just one major hiccup/heartbreak. I reconnected with an old friend and we got married. My life was just too easy and I took a lot of things for granted. But deep down inside me I knew there would be a time when my resilience and faith in God would be tested and boy was I right!! God has given me new reasons to reach out to him and trust him unfailingly. He DOES work in mysterious ways and I still look up to him hoping and wishing that I would be able to align what i want in my life to what he has planned for me. I always end my prayer with “May Thy Will be done in my life oh Lord”.

I sooo look forward to 2011, new job, new outlook, new attitude and hopefully too have some dreams being realised. I have learnt to turn my face to the sun. There is soo much goodness and love in my life and in this world that even the numbed armies of fear cannot destroy.

I have hope and I am smiling .....