Remembering My Angel Baby

I am convinced that losing a child is something that you never “get over.” Yes, it’s something that becomes easier to talk about and easier to deal with, but you never forget. It doesn’t matter how long you knew a little one was growing inside you, or how long you got to spend time with them in person…the love you feel is intensely full and possessive and the pain of loss indescribably immense when you lose a child to heaven.

The 14^th of September is our angel baby’s birthday and will always be every year. Our baby shares the same birthdate as Amy Winehouse; I remember how this thought made me slightly nauseous a year ago. This 14^th of September is only the first 14^th of September that I have experienced since we lost our Awura Akua. In one sense it feels like forever ago, but when I think about the pain and heartbreak that I felt, it seems like yesterday. The grief is still there. Seasoned with grace, yes, but it’s still there.

When she arrived, we were apprehensive the first week but overjoyed and incredibly in love at the same time. This tiny little bird who weighed less than a kilo but oh sooo feisty and breathing on her own! But we lost her suddenly almost 3 weeks later. I am not going to dwell too much on the pain now in this post, it is still there, it is very personal and I have harped on about it enough on this blog. Y’all must be tired of it by now so I will spare you.

But on this 14^th September, the first of many that I will treasure cos it’s my first born’s birthday, Sugar Bear Wofa Yaw and I went away. We drove out of Accra to be away from it all. It was a good weekend away filled with both poignant and crazy moments like:

·         Being stopped by Cape Coast policemen cos I was not wearing my seatbelt and had not had my driving license validated. They seized my license, I was in no mood to bribe so I apologised but did not get my license back. But I just loved the fury on the policeman’s face as he booked me; you aint getting no money out of me sucker!

·         Commenting to Wofa Yaw that I actually don’t know how to get to GeyHey and then exclaiming loudly with surprise when we drove by the gates moments later! How could I have missed Abura and Kakumdo?

·         Being hounded by these persky (I know it is not a proper word but I feel it describes them best) little boys at the entrance to Kakum Forest to buy cocoa pods. Who buys cocoa pods?? What do you do with them??

·         My heart dropping down to my big black ass the minute my feet stepped onto the canopy walk. Who was I kidding?????????? I nearly shat my pants and I have no idea how I made it across that first one! Memories of being scared shitless when Kokui and I went on this ride at a fair in Nottingham back in 2004 or so crossed my mind.

At least I now know that my idea of a holiday or R&R is vegetating on a beach with a good book, music and lots of food and cocktails. I have no adventurous bone in my body! Fuck all that!

·         Deciding to drive from Cape Coast to have a drink in Takoradi after 7pm just because we could. And experiencing car trouble en route!

·         Seeing those ladies of the night at Champs in Takoradi, ei!! The hair, the hooker heels, the brazen attitude! Wow!

I am soo glad we decided to go away. I don’t know how I would have been able to deal with the usual troubles of a day at work etc on that day.

As I remember my precious little Aubrey Joy Awura Akua who is in heaven, I wonder what kind of personality she would have had. I wonder if you will truly have looked just like me as your Papa thought; Grandma said you are the most beautiful baby girl as she bathed you and my chest becomes tight knowing she never knew you alive.

But, I rejoice knowing that this little one awaits me in heaven. My faith has been shaken through it all and I struggle to pray and go to church but I tell myself if there is a heaven then I have to strive to get there so I will meet our first born again.

So from earth to heaven: “I love you my angel baby. I’ll see you soon, ok?”

DON'T GET MARRIED IF....

If you’re not ready to delay gratification when your are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, your muses… don’t get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don’t lose yourself but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God’s blessing: little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt….. don’t get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don’t abandon your spouse to your relatives. It’s betrayal.

If you are not ready to pay bills…. don’t get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and your gazes at each other, O so romantic.

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex “best friends” and invest that into your spouse. To like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them, above anyone else… don’t get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses…. don’t get married. Let the Joneses buy their yatch when you are still walking, and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross the oceans but you may be going through the road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.

If you are not ready to be an open book. To tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection…. don’t get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in the marriage. It doesn’t enjoy being ignored and the more you snob, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the “neat” and “all together lovely” image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming…. don’t get married. Don’t take somebody’s son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It’s romanticized in the movies, it’s being fronted as the only “realistic” way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts, broken dreams and conniving.

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush ofa risque life and to settle down…. don’t get married. The great Colombus [who we were told "discovered" America, Have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it, knew that it existed :-) ] had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about the wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the death and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found, there was great disappointment. Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: “This day, we sailed on.”.

Marriage, like life in general, has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend on wild romance, all night sex [ha], romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The “boom twaff” moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready or you’re not: You decide!. But please don’t marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives :-) . A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up day by day. If you are not ready for that demand, don’t get married!!!!

Barikiweni.- Author Judy Karanja