Remembering Him Through Music

I thought I had written a blog post already about how certain songs brought back a memory or took me back to a moment in time but I have searched through all my posts and I just can’t find it.

When friends ask me about how I am handling my grief after the loss of Chief, I usually talk about how I manage my feelings, the ebbs and flows etc. and almost all the time, I mention how certain songs bring up memories of him.

We both loved music and if anyone would look at our playlists, they would struggle to pigeon-hole us into a particular genre. Our tastes ran all over the place, his a bit more risqué/eclectic than mine. I used to just love R&B then I lived in the UK for a bit and got into Pop, Alternative Rock and all sorts. Chief would listen to anything. Between us, our tastes in music ranged from “you need to listen to this” to “I know, please don’t judge me”. J

Anyway, so I spent some time thinking deeply about the songs that evoked memories of Chief to me and I was able to draw up a list; I know I am missing a lot more but they usually come to me after I hear them being played so I might update this list as and when I have anything new to add.

1.      Asem ft. Kwabena Kwabena – “Bye Bye”: He sent me a link to this song when I was in the UK in 2013. We were apart from March to October of that year when I was pregnant with Awura. This was him really showing his soft side, admitting he missed me and our life together and I was sooo touched. I struggle to listen to this song without crying now.

2.      Bread – “Aubrey”: I don’t think that many people know of this group called Bread; they were an American Soft Rock Band from L.A. and Chief shared this song with me after we had decided to name our first born Aubrey while I was pregnant. We loved the lyrics and the soft melodic tune. We sadly lost our Aubrey Joy Awurakua 3 weeks after birth but she will always be our first born; forever in our hearts and alive in this song.

3.      Stevie Wonder - “Isn’t She Lovely”: This was his song for his daughter. Nothing more to say. The plan was to play this during her birth or soon after. Unfortunately, he could not be there. The first time he laid eyes on his daughter was around the humid and crowded luggage carousel in Kotoka International Airport 2 months after she was born. But she got it played to her anyway, as he cuddled her in bed; what those 2 did best was nap together.

4.      B.o.B – Is an American Rapper well known for hits like “Airplanes” and “Nothing on You”. Chief discovered him after a trip to the States and knew I would love his soft rap style and downloaded his whole discography at the time for me. I am not a big fan of raw hard hitting rap. Soon after he returned, he called me over to his laptop, looking very pleased with himself telling me there was this rapper he knew I would LOVE! He started playing his single and I was thinking in my head “uhuh I am probably going to have to pretend I love this, shit!” But I loved the album! Right up my alley.

5.      Coldplay – “Fix You” & “It’s All Yellow”: Hand on my heart it took me a while to get into Coldplay; I used to hear them on the radio in the UK but never paid much attention to them and I still don’t even now but Chief got me to love these 2 singles.

6.      Duncan Mighty – “Obianuju”: We loved to bounce along to this in the car on the days we had not argued about something and the air was not thick with tension lol.

7.      J Martins – “Cool Temper: We went through a period when this was played almost every day and he would get out of his office chair and dance to it. I think this was his pick-me-up song. If you knew Chief, you would know he applied 110% energy/effort to anything he believed in and if it didn’t work, he took it hard. I think this helped. The lyrics say it all:

Hey! If you believe, you go defeat

Stand up to your feet

And say no to your defeat

Believe and do the best

Only Jah fit do the rest

You fit be the next

Believe in me I say

Coolu coolu Mama,

Coolu coolu Papa

Coolu coolu Brother,

Coolu coolu Sister

Coolu coolu Aunty,

Coolu coolu Uncle

Coolu, coolu, coolu Coolu coolu temper

8.      Scissor Sisters – “I Don’t Feel Like Dancin”: I got him to like this pop/glam rock group and this single was a fave to just bump to. Now, Scissor Sisters are as flamboyant and in-your-face gay/bisexual whatever sexual you can think of as they come. They were not the sort of band Chief would have naturally gravitated to but me, with my liberal self, got him into this one. Did you know that the band took its name from the female same-sex sexual activity tribadism commonly known by its scissoring position is a sex act in which a woman rubs her vulva against her partner's body for sexual stimulation, especially for ample stimulation of the clitoris. Kwakwakwakwakwa! So that is the Scissor Sisters I loved and he grew to also like some of their songs and their energetic videos.

9.      Michael Buble – This might surprise some of Chief’s friends but there have been many nights when I would wake up in the middle of the night and my vampire/nocturnal husband would be sat behind his desk with Michael playing softly in the background. The man who was a ball of rough energy on the basketball court loved boring ass Michael Buble. I have got a ton of his songs on his harddrive. I don’t listen to Michael but I stumble on his songs when I am searching for other stuff. Sometimes I click on “Crazy Love” just to go back a bit ….

10.   Maroon 5 – “She Will Be Loved”: I loved Maroon 5 before I got married; Adam Levine is sexy with a voice like a god. One of the few albums I actually bought with cash. We both liked this song which is about a woman getting the love and respect she deserves. Can anyone musically plead better than sexy Adam?

11.   Estelle – American Boy: This takes me back to some Sunday mornings with this playing out loud and me dancing naked with my jiggly bits clapping furiously and him shaking his head. J I especially loved this line:

He said ‘Hey Sister’

It’s really really nice to meet ya

I just met this five foot seven guy who’s just my type

I like the way he’s speaking, his confidence is peaking

Don’t like his baggy jeans but I’ma like what’s underneath it

12.   Oasis – “Wonderwall”: Another UK Rock band; in their finest form, they were known as the Kings of the Britpop scene. Chief knew vaguely about them and I sorta got him to listen to their songs more. Wonderwall we both loved …. Their songs take me back to road trips …

Skinny Blatherings: #FuckYourBeautyStandards

Skinny Blatherings: #FuckYourBeautyStandards

#FuckYourBeautyStandards

Our lives are ruled by choices. What we decide to do each waking moment and how we choose to interact with or impact on others.

I am very aware of that. I choose to not sweat the small stuff most of the time; I avoid most things that I think would stress me out physically and mentally. I self-indulge, I do very minimal self-introspection, and I usually try not to interact with people in ways that would make them feel disrespected, undermined or just generally sad. Striving to do the latter sometimes makes me come across as a softie or a push over. I don’t mind too much. It is a perception held by another. I know that it makes me feel good inside in the long run and that to me is all that matters.

I do all these selfishly for my own sanity. I work on keeping my mental self at a very good equilibrium.

A lot of ladies, both young and old, obsess about their weight and body shape, usually for purely vanity reasons, looking good in that dress, fitting into those skinny jeans, attracting that buff guy etc. That is not me.

Most of my friends think I'm pretty body confident. Though I am not body-confident as perceived by them; I know I'm fat, and I will say it and save you the trouble of saying it. For a long time, I  have accepted my fatness as being what it and I do not lose much sleep over it. My earliest memories of feeling fat go back to early teens when I would sit on the toilet seat and marvel in disgust at how my thighs (yes, they were bigger than usual even then) spread out over the toilet seat. I also remember in my mid-teens in Wesley Girls forever fiddling with my school uniform belt to make it lie just right over my belly; even back then I felt my belly was bigger than my peers and I worried about how my belt made it more noticeable. Now, I look back at photos of me back then and I wonder "how mad was I to not be more accepting of my body back then?" 

Anyway, back to adult me who will not strive to lose weight just to look good in a dress. Those are thoughts that don't end up being actioned because I don’t care enough to be bothered. 

When I have ever seriously considered losing weight, it has been mainly for health reasons. I want to live longer and create more memories with my family and friends. I am not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to die because I was unhealthy. The last time I went to the gym was because I was breaking out and suffering from adult acne and just felt very hormonally out of sync, quite unhealthy both mentally and physically.

I have accepted that I will never be skinny, I eat regularly; my Monday to Friday meals are pretty dull and of regular portions. When I do eat out, well that is another matter, luckily, I cannot afford to eat out often so as they say ‘God works in mysterious ways’. I could do better being more physically active and even though my medical screenings never reveal anything crazily worrying (God looks out for me), recent aches and pains have given me a wake up call. I am growing and my bones are groaning under the extra rolls of fat.

So, practical me has decided I need to work on losing some.

As I said earlier, I am not motivated enough to lose weight to look good. In the style department, I work with what I have and I think I do ok at that. I follow lots of fat/plus size bloggers purely for style/fashion inspiration. When you follow such bloggers, then you know they usually also blog about body-image issues. They blog about the abuse they get for being fat and these ladies usually have histories of eating disorders borne out of their dislike for their bodies and the need to fit into what society finds more acceptable; to escape the abuse; to attract love and attention etc. They are always towing a fine line between self-love and body-hatred, their minds are fragile, yet day in and day out they find the strength to try and inspire others by sharing their stories.

Of course, it irks me that people look at my fat self and automatically assume that I over-eat and that I am not healthy. It annoys me but I have learnt to not enter into discussions or arguments about it because minds are made up and I will only be perceived as giving excuses and justifying an unhealthy lifestyle ‘Le Sigh’. 

Do I remind them that being a certain weight does not always show that you are (un)healthy inside? Do I remind them that I am more than my weight? Do I remind them that it is possible to be skinny and still be mentally and physically unwell or be fat and be happy within? Do I remind them that sometimes striving to be a certain weight and being consumed by it covers up a multitude of emotional problems? How did we get to this point where a woman starving herself is perceived as far healthier than a fat woman celebrating her body and enjoying her meals?

Ghanaians (Africans?) generally would comment about your weight gain first time they see you after a long while; it is sooo rude! I still cannot understand why we do that! I let it wash over me usually but whyyyy? I listen to and read about ladies going through mental and physical anguish because of their weight; they are not eating right, starving themselves, doing dodgy detoxes, popping pills, having surgery etc. All in a bid, not to be healthy but to look good and fit in.

I think it is ok if all these are being done with a fairly stable mental perspective. We are all vain in some way; Heck! I have considered pills and surgery myself but usually half-heartedly because again, the motivation levels are not that high and I am scared of the side effects. I ask myself ‘do u really wanna get cut up or ingest that pill just so you can look good?’ ‘What if I don’t wake up from the surgery or I develop a terminal illness from that pill?’ ‘Will it be really worth it?’

What I am trying to say is that we should not strive to achieve some level of physical beauty if we are not ok in the head, if it is being done out of the need to be accepted by others because, trust me when you do achieve that goal weight or body shape, there is no guarantee that your mental demons would disappear.

And y’all need to stop judging and passing insensitive comments about us fat people! Stop expecting that other people’s bodies, food and lifestyle choices must align with your views.

Don’t look at us and assume we over-eat or we are unhealthy! Can you imagine the amount of hurt a woman feels when she hears:

you are fat

You are unhealthy

You are ugly

You are not my physical type

You should not eat this, you should eat this, it will help you lose weight

It needs to stop! It is rude, ignorant and just not nice.

“I’m not interested if we are unwilling to honour that there are some people with disabilities and chronic illnesses and mental illnesses, who will never fit into a narrow perception of “healthy.” I’m not interested if healthy is just about calories and weight loss and inherently restrictive eating.

I’m not interested if we’re going to judge people for what they eat and promote a diet culture of shame and self-hatred.” - fuckyeahbodypositivity