The Pros and Cons of Most Exotic Places to Have Sex

For long-term couples not just the married ones, sex can get pretty mundane and seem a bit of a chore after a while. And then doing it in the bathtub, the kitchen counter and on the couch is no longer exciting. We need to get out of the bedroom mentality first of all even if it’s the most obvious choice. In fact, it is the obvious choice for lazy couples! If you have sex before bed, in the bed, and never get out of the bed, then you aren't experiencing all that sex has to offer. Finding new and exciting ways AND places to have sex can help spice things up.

It is still a matter of choice and what might work for one couple may not work for the next. I stumbled upon a blog spelling out the upsides and downsides of some exotic places to have sex. I have added my tuppence plus some tit (no pun intended) bits of my own. I have also indicated with a tick the ones I have tried out and plan to revisit!

Enjoy!

1. On the beach/In the Ocean ✓

Pros: This is a little bit more daring than your own personal pool, but it can be pulled off. Try going to a secluded beach and getting hot in the waves, or even trying the more difficult task of having sex on a raft or floatie or hooked up against a rock.  Good place to clean up afterward. 

Cons/Warning: Everyone else has cleaned up there, too. That’s where fish pee. Crabs. Two words: Vagina sand. Also, beware of bruises if you do it propped up against the rocks as I did.

2. Under a tree ✓

Pros: Fresh air. Romantic. Great place to role-play that werewolf fantasy. 

Cons/Warning: Bird voyeurs. Actual werewolves. 

3. In your childhood bedroom 

Pros: The thrill of getting caught. 

Cons/Warning: Actually getting caught. By the new owners. Who will charge you with trespassing. After they shoot you. 

4. In space 

Pros: You feel skinny because you’re weightless. No one can hear you scream so you can let it rip!

Cons/Warning: The wet-spot is everywhere. 

5. On the kitchen floor 

Pros: I have no idea, but it’s in almost every porno I’ve ever seen so there must be one. 

Cons/Warning: Everything. 

6. On video 

Pros: You will feel like a right porn star (and yes some women do have that secret fantasy!), it’s about having the camera on you that brings out the wanton wench in you! If you are body-confident you can play-back later and see how you can improve. And that tape can work wonders when you are alone with a sex toy.

Cons/Warning: Everyone will see it (Including your mother). And if you become famous, it will be EVERYWHERE!

7. In an active volcano: 

Pros: You’ll both laugh about “how hot this is” and double entendres are fun. 

Cons/Warning: You’ll die painfully.

8. In the Pool ✓

Pros: If you have a pool in your backyard, then you should be using it for more than swimming laps. Pools offer a refreshing place to have sex, and eliminates the need for the dreaded clean-up. And there are more options than you might have guessed - the steps, the hot tub, the ladder and even the diving board! You will feel like you are floating as you bob up and down. And if you do it with others in the pool, the feeling of naughtiness is just wowzah!

Cons/Warning: If you get caught out ….. Don’t try it if there are kids in the pool. And he certainly cannot come cos I’m damn sure his cum will rise to the surface. Gross!!!

9. In a Car ✓

Pros: I know what you're thinking: cramped space, and it's been done before. But don't you remember life as a teenager, parking in your boyfriend or girlfriend's car, making out until it's time to head home? Recapture your youth by having sex in the car.

Cons/Warning: But be careful where you park! I remember doing it in a heavily guarded posh neighbourhood in Tema and 2 policemen tapping on the window to ask why were parked there. Also, mind the gear/shift!

10. In a Field ✓

Pros: If you're lucky enough to live on a large acreage, this will be easier than if you live in the middle of a city. But having sex in a large, open field can really be exciting, especially for those who like to "worry" about being "caught."

Cons/Warning: Watch out for poisonous flora and make sure there aren't any curious animals or insects about. I had the pleasure of doing it on a golf course in the dead of night years ago and for several days after I was forever scratching the mosquito bites on my ass.

11. On An Exercise Machine

Pros: The padded seats on exercise machines and benches are great places for girls to assert their dominance in "bed". It provides the perfect positioning for girl-on-top sex, and gives a more exotic place for sex than the boring old bedroom.

Cons/Warning: Make sure that you are in your own private gym. I don’t recommend a public one – and look out for other equipment that might get in your way; don’t’ mistaken the handle of the cross-trainer for his ****

12. At The Office

Pros: If one partner or the other has a private office at his or her workplace - preferrably with a lock on the door - it might present a "forbidden" place to have sex. Surprise your significant other with lunch at noon - and you for desert.

Cons/Warning: Lock that door and make no sounds! In fact, do it after hours – you don’t want to scamper that promotion opportunity.

How Many?

What's your number? According to a new survey, a third of women aren't honest when it comes to 'fessing up about the number of men that they have slept with. And it is not even just an African thing, European, American; Asian etc women all do it. But why do we do this? And what's the right approach to addressing this touchy subject with your man? Also, can the same be said for the men? And when we lie why do they lie about the numbers?

According to a research reported in the UK newspaper Daily Mail, a third of women are guilty of lying outright when asked how many sexual partners they've had - and of those women, the majority (64%) go for a number that's smaller than the truth. But of course! I can’t think of anyone who would increase that particular number, in fact 64% is damn too low!

I have been honest before and I have also lied about this particular issue and it has always been influenced by who was asking. And if I lied, I’ve always thought it was a teeny white lie and nothing to lose sleep over. Funny thing is I don’t recall ever asking a guy this question; I’ve never really cared. I may ask how many ex-girlfriends they’ve had but never about how many sexual partners they have had. But how come I’ve been asked this by most men I’ve been with or considered being with? Why does it matter so much to men? Why do we even have that conversation? And why do we lie about it?

For some women, going through all of the gory details just seems like a bit TMI (Too Much Information). Some women do what we call ‘lying by omission’. When asked the question, they suddenly suffer from amnesia and give such a vague answer, it’s almost a non-answer. I have been guilty of that. Over the years I have somehow outlined the edited highlights - only the important or long-term relationships rather than the mistakes, 2 months relationships or non-starters; thankfully never a one night stand. We women usually lie about our sexual history because of our fear of rejection; we downplay our sexual history when we are dating someone we like.

Not surprisingly, feeling I had to lie to some wanna-be boyfriend or suitor is a red-flag for me. It tells me I can’t be with you if I feel you can’t accept me for what I am, warts and all. I have learned that nothing has come out of the liaisons I’ve had with the guys I’ve lied to but on the occasions I’ve been up front and honest, it has made me feel closer to the guy. It is my view that if you're with a man who can't respect the way you've decided to manage your sex life, he's probably not worth your time. I am myself from the minute all is bared out and of course it helps if he is also honest and accepts and appreciates the truth. It has been easier for me not because I’ve not had many ex sexual partners but because I naturally gravitate towards men who are free-thinkers like me and don’t make a big deal of the past. Though, I must add that my number is not that huge considering my age and how long I've been having sex (13 years). Well this is the argument I use to console myself! Hahahaaaaa.

But other women may not be lucky in finding men who are not critical and hence not every woman might want to be as open. Ultimately, as with the other aspects of one’s love life, disclosing your number - or not - comes down to personal choice but so many women gravitate towards bending the truth. Why we do have to downplay our sexual prowess? I think that if women lie then it perpetuates the myth that women are less interested in sex than men, and that women should have fewer sexual partners.

Most of you guys will admit that you feel better deep inside knowing that your girl has not ‘been’ with too many other men before you; to put it crudely, she has not got that high a mileage! :-) But why should it matter??? It makes things sooo tough for women. We make mistakes and we try to move on and try and minimize the impact of those mistakes on the rest of our lives. I don’t think us women want to lie but both men and women feel free to judge your choices in the way they'd never do with a man. In the face of that, and all the double standards, who can blame a girl for managing her PR?' In fact, I know some people who will need a whole team of people to manage their PR for sure! Mileage be what! But what the heck! Why should it matter I ask again!?

So, What do you think? Is honesty the best policy, or is this an area of your personal life where you think it's fine to stretch (or shrink) the truth?

I am Celebrating ……. are you?

I had an ‘ahah’ moment in the shower some months ago as I indulged in my increasingly numerous moments of ‘self-pity’; it hit me that gosh my life could so much more worse off than it actually is. It’s taken me quite some time to get to this realisation.

When it all seems bleak and you struggle to find a meaning to it all; how difficult will it be to find something to be grateful for and celebrate about? Most people agree that being grateful is important if we are to have a positive life and it is only when you find things to be grateful for that you are able to see the bright side of life. Unfortunately, we often look at what we don’t have instead of what we have, and we end up complaining unendingly instead of being grateful. The biggest NO NO is taking things for granted. Taking something for granted makes us forget how miserable we would be if we didn’t have it.

They say that sometimes one needs to experience a loss to be able to appreciate what you have. When something goes wrong in your life and sympathetic friends in their efforts to comfort you, tell you about how what you are experiencing could be worse; and recount stories of other people’s misfortunes, at that moment while you wallow in self-pity, you may think “oh just shut up, you lot!” And that is a perfectly normal reaction. It’s only moments later that you come to appreciate the situation in its entirety and also appreciate what has been left of the situation and learn lessons from how you can turn things round in your favour.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather not wait till that experience happens. With time, I have come to realize that we should learn to appreciate the things we have without first experiencing a loss. So here are 10 simple things I am grateful for in my life. While perhaps not all of them will apply to you, I believe there are more that apply than don’t. Here they are:

1. I have a loving family – my family: mom, dad, brothers, husband, aunts, cousins ….. I am so lucky to have unconditional love and support from these people I call family. And since I got married, I have enlarged this circle to include in-laws. I have been lucky to have such laid-back, no-drama people who allow me to be and are always there for me no matter what (well, almost). It is these people too that we take for granted the most. Who do you pay a debt to the fastest? More a friend that your brother. We must be grateful for family.

2. I have good friends – True that my circle of friends has shrunk as I got older but the quality has certainly improved! My oldest friends are my closest. Years ago, my mother was always vocal about the friends she approved of and those she didn’t and it is so weird that those she approved of are the ones who are still in my life now; these mothers are such witches! I have numerous acquaintances but only a handful that I call constantly and whose counsel I seek regularly. I am especially grateful because I know that good, caring friends are something that not everyone has.

3. I am healthy – Sometimes, we need to be sick to understand the blessings of being healthy. When you are down with something as ‘routine’ as malaria; and your muscles and joints ache and creak, don’t you just miss being able to move about effortlessly? I am soo grateful that I have never been seriously sick, ever! While we have good health, let’s be thankful and do all that we can to keep our bodies that way. Doctors and hospital workers are not miracle workers, sometimes, our bodies can let us down without any good explanation and we have to accept that a. It is just the will of God or b. we did something wrong somewhere along the line. This brings to mind the recent sagas with gynecological issues at the hospitals. My heart goes out to the families who have experienced losses but sometimes we have to be careful we don’t allow grief and the need to find someone to blame to cloud our better judgment of situations. I repeat, sometimes our bodies just let us down and there is nothing we can do about it.

4. I have enough financially – I may not be living in Trasaco, but I have a roof over my head and enough closet space to keep all my designer labels and enough shoe rack space to keep all my Louboutins (hahahha, I wish!!!).
I may not be driving the Honda CRV (as I would have wished) but at least my old banger’s shock absorbers work and I can travel from home to work in minutes instead of travelling in months or years like Magellan and Columbus. Still not convinced I have enough? Try this http://www.globalrichlist.com/.

Whenever I hear of the latest celebrity or rich dude who just committed suicide, I wonder: “so why do I want his/her life?” Enough said.

5. My computer works properly – Have you ever experienced turning on your PC only to find that it didn’t work and all your data is gone? I have and it is sooo damn frustrating. That was when I also experienced ‘tears of frustration’. Never again since then.

6. I have abundant entertainment options – Even royalty eons ago, didn’t have a fraction of what I have now. I have my teevee, movies, my Blackberry, Solitaire on my laptop, just to name a few.

7. The law of the land works in Ghana – Can you imagine if people could do just anything they liked and if there was virtually no protection of rights? Well, before you die of horror at such thoughts, understand why I especially feel safe and protected in Ghana where we have good law codes. Fine, we are not perfect, but we are not Darfur.

8. Online social communities exist – Through the hustle and bustle of what our lives have become in the noughties, I am grateful that I have a medium to communicate with friends: Facebook, MSN Messenger, Google Chat etc; they all make it easy to keep in touch with friends and family on a daily basis in real time; still be part of their lives without committing a lot of time and energy, banter and laughter shooting around the world at the speed of light.

9. That my grandfather lived – He passed away two years ago and not a week goes by without me thinking about him and tearing up. He was a wonderful and sometimes annoying man. He was a true patriarch, educated during a time when not many were and immensely proud of his family. There was a time when I was angry with God for taking him away before he could walk me halfway down the aisle and see his great-grandchildren being born; I also got angry when I realized that Mugabe is older and still alive! But I have come to appreciate knowing him for soo long before he passed. I appreciate the fact that I have wonderful memories of him especially as I have friends whose grandparents passed away even before they were born and others who have grandparents tucked away in the villages who they see annually at Christmas. I miss you lots Papa but I am glad I had you when I did.

10. The curtains in my bedroom – They are see-through and each weekend morning at 6am I cuss furiously as the sun streams in; I also vow there and then to get new curtains with black-out lining. I have still not changed them because 30 minutes later as I get out of bed, I become grateful that I am alive to see another day!

These 10 things are simple, but my life would be miserable without them and I’m sure there are still many things I have covered here. So learn to appreciate what you have and you will realize what a blessed life is yours!


Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil 1:6 NIV)

Secrets You Should Never Share

I read an article in Glamour magazine recently on this subject. I know someone will think: “duh! Talking about it means sharing it and it’s no longer a secret!” Well, I’m just going to list some secrets that women out there may have; may not apply to every woman or reader of my blog. And, no, not all would apply to me as well; I must say though that when I read Glamour’s list, ahem, I kinda went different shades of pink, purple, aubergine and crimson ……

I will also list some secrets you do not have to share with your spouse. We all know it’s only a fool who shares every single detail of their life with a partner/spouse. And no, I’m not encouraging being uber secretive and behaving like an MI5 (or is it 6) agent around your spouse. In general, in most instances, it's good to be open and honest with your spouse; makes it easier for you to trust in each other and obviously when the trust exists … voila! we have ourselves a happy and healthy home life. But in reality, sadly, there are times and situations when it is not advisable for you to share with your partner what is on your mind or the sordid and stupid things you got up to years ago when you were young and foolish; I am one person very guilty of blaming past choices on the foolishness of youth but not every partner would understand the phrase: “foolishness of youth” and you will have on your hands a bad case “living to regret”. This is the case when if you shared the info/secret it would hurt them, completely change their perception of you, nothing positive would come of it, and it might just damage your relationship permanently.

I think I’m fairly lucky in the sense that my husband was my very good friend for about 10 years before we got hitched and knows most of my filthy little secrets and my very poor past ‘conquests’. But I still watch it with the revelation of anything new; and I am, very sure he does/thinks same. In fact, I don’t want to know everything; after all, they say ignorance is bliss.

Therefore, below, I give you ten secrets you should never, ever tell/share others (some specifically your spouse); Most of these I lifted off Glamour I have also added my own thoughts and some

1. That you do pelvic-floor exercises to get you through that really dull meeting – do these things actually work? When you pick up any glossy magazine for women they talk about these but I am not sure what they actually mean. But I do understand that sharing this with anyone could mean: 1. You actually have a problem with your vaginal walls and 2. someone with a hyper-imaginative mind would think you’ve had one too many …… and we know you never tell how many of them you’ve had! Never ever!!!
2. You got ever so drunk one night, pulled the horrible, but inexplicably magnetic, barman in your local, and it was HOT – I have imagined doing this on a trip to South Africa in 2008. I actually considered making some cute waiter work for his tip. And I also thought aint no one gon know about this …. But I didn’t do it anyway and I told my boyfriend (husband now) later. We laughed about it but some months later he brought it up again in a way that made me realize that he didn’t think it was that funny so ……. Lesson leant right??
3. Good memories of your ex – This is a clear case of ‘Do unto others what you will wish them to do unto you’! I will be very upset if a boyfriend/husband talks about an ex in a good light all the bloody time! Even if we don’t admit it, every person hopes deep down inside they will always be the fairest of them all and all your partner’s exs pale in comparison to you. Just don’t go there especially about sex with the others! No No No! Whether good or bad!
4. About the one time you just couldn't wait and peed in the bush outside your house – Ok, this one is very abrofosem! We’ve all peed in bushes before right? Maybe the one you shouldn’t be sharing is the time you did Number 2 in the bushes!!! And had to wipe with your pioto!!!  LOL!!!
5. You've tried desperately not to, but you still fancy one of your boyfriend's friends or his sibling and fantasize about being with them. – This is probably an obvious one, but needs to be stated here just in case. If you think your spouse's brother or sister is good looking and/or sexy and they are the opposite sex as you, keep your yap shut. If you don't every family get-together for the rest of your life will be ruined. And this applies pretty much to any fantasy. They say that having fantasy is healthy. I say it's only healthy if you keep them to yourself. Regardless of whether they are sexual fantasies or wishful thinking, keep it to yourself.
6. Whenever you walk past a building site you pretend to talk on your mobile to avoid the 'Alright, sweetheart?' sleazy chat and catcalls. – I actually enjoy these so I usually look them right in the eye with a scornful look on my face like am disgusted by the catcalls when I actually love love love them!! SO stupid right and no decent man would understand. I remember once I was eating at a restaurant in the Afgo compound with my boyfriend at the time when this proper boga guy in his cocaine-wash jeans winked at me. My boyfriend caught me smiling shyly back and he said in twi: “ah Dede paaaa kwasia wei p3 wo ah na wosri”. That wiped the smile off my face proper! I was about 21 then anyway. Young and foolish I know! J
7. You shoplifted a Snickers bar when you were 12 - and felt a delicious thrill at getting away with it – 12 years old mpo?? I remember stealing some bracelets from Dorothy Perkins in 2004 or so. OOOh the thrill! I was with this my friend whose name starts with an A and who got married in Oct 2009; I’m not naming and shaming cos she has got a bigger reputation to protect. But some of you can work out who she is hahahahahaha! She also stole one I think and she was acting all scared like I made her do it. But the way my heart was thumping as I walked past the detectors at the entrance. Anyway, major shoplifting is nothing to be proud of so please careful who you tell. In fact don’t even do it!!
8. The insane jealousy you feel for your little sister, who looks just like you - only younger. Not fair. – Can’t say much about that cos I don’t have a little sister but I can understand how this would be a no no so careful!
9. That you couldn't find Poland on a map if your life depended on it. – Some few weeks ago I couldn’t even remember what the capital of Senegal was and also that Philippines was in Asia. The latter scenario was when I was having a drink with colleagues from work; very embarrassing and not to be repeated!
10. You'll never understand why people think sex on the beach is romantic. You want sand there?! – You know how people go on about certain stuff that are cool to do but deep inside you you are just not down with the idea and you feel like being sensible and practical is not cool so you just shut up and play along?? Yea, this is one of those stupid ones. I’d rather do it against a rock (and I did! Wink wink)
11. Negative things about your partner’s friends - While probably not high on the list of no-no's, it's still important enough to include here. Don't disparage his/her friends. I usually just chip in when he does but I know it is not the best cos it will almost always come back to haunt you. I remember my 1^st ever boyfriend (can I even call him a boyfriend? This is Geyhey letter writing days) kinda dumped me cos I bad-mouthed his ‘friend’. This is the same person he used to diss but apparently he was the only one allowed to diss the guy.
12. Negative things about the in-laws – Listen here, I’m not a pro in this thing called marriage but even I know this is a NO NO NO NO NO! NEVER! Even if he is dissing them himself!! The friends thing above is nothing compared to this. Saying ugly things about your in-laws is a cardinal sin, one for which, you will pay for, for as many years as you and your partner remain married/in a relationship, which may not be as long as you think if you say bad things about their parents.
13. You sometimes fantasize that your infuriatingly me-me-me colleague has a horrible accident and loses her voice – Sooo wrong but you do have such fantasies but remember they are wrong and should remain as fantasies!
14. That you think your friend's baby looks a bit like Yoda from Star Wars. – OMG, Ann Krakue if you read this you will laugh! My dear Ann once struggled to say something nice about a friend’s new baby so she went: “erm, your baby has nice ears”. This even happens on Facebook; people lie sooo badly when commenting on baby pictures. We all know fresh babies look like aliens and you don’t have to say the baby reminds you of E.T. but you don’t have to gush and lie so much!! Me, I just start a little debate on which of the parents the baby looks like. That is interactive and safe.
15. Your local MP could be called Delilah Stardust for all you know – In this day and age when young people are supposed to be soo into politics and that is all people seem to discuss at social gatherings, it is sometimes not cool to show your ignorance of who is who in your government.
16. You've been known to look at Facebook pictures up to, oh, three times a day. - Asem ooooo. Who is guilty of this?? Meeeeee and I am also the only one who will admit to it. But, never to my husband!
17. You go to art galleries to feel sophisticated, but are actually largely bored. – This will apply to most things posh. Whenever I browse through Agoo magazine and see the who is who of Accra at these polo events, I always feel deep inside me that going to such an event would make me feel like a fish out of water. And I’m also sure that 70% (if not more) of the people there don’t have a clue what polo is all about either but would never admit it!
18. That you once read his text messages and then felt really guilty because there was nothing remotely incriminating. – GUILTY!!!
19. You agree with Sex and the City's Samantha that, "They don't call it a blowjob for nothing, honey." – Samantha is my baby! But meeehhhn! Most of us would never admit to agreeing with most of the things she says or does.

These 20 “secrets” you should never tell anyone including your spouse are meant as a means for keeping harmony in your relationship with others and in your marriage, not as a first step towards lying whenever you feel like it. In most every other case, honesty and openness will be a much better approach. Hopefully, you'll find these tips helpful.

And if there are anymore that you will like to share then please type away!

Joie de Vivre

Sometimes I lose myself, my essence, my sense of being buried under the sludge of daily life; trying to please and keep happy the various people in my life: my husband, my boss, my mother, colleagues at work, my friends, my siblings ……. It’s like I’m on auto-pilot, I wake up do all the things I did the day before, come back to bed, wake up and do it all over again.

But thank God for those moments when I’m sat in the car, in bed or behind the wheel and out of nowhere it hits me that I need to slow-down and re-centre. Usually, the fix for this loss of trueness is to sit, still, silent, and mindful, and just empty my thoughts. My husband asks me: “what are you thinking”, as I just look blankly at nothing in particular. I really enjoy doing that (well I’m naturally quite lazy so doing nothing is very easy for me!) and it helps to re-focus and breathe easy and indulge in a little me time.

I saw this quote somewhere:

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

........... Friedrich Nietzsche

I couldn’t have said it any better! I used to live by this quote but that was about 10, 9, 8, 7 years ago when it was easier to wake up in the morning and only wonder what fun things to do that day. There is this story of a boyfriend (at the time) telling me: “you, you are not serious koraaa! You are always happy!” like it was a bad thing cos I was always soo jokey and full of cheer. I wish I could have those days back. There are even moments when I’m cheerful on demand cos I know family and friends expect me to be. That can be soo tiresome when in actual fact I just want to be left alone to brood. Growing pains some may call it.

Some of my friends know I’ve had a rough past year; a year when some things went wrong and I’ve wondered how many more ‘What the fuck’ moments I could take. But not that many people could tell that I was having a rough time but hell I was and it’s taken me a while to crawl out from under that ‘well-hidden cloud’. And I’m actually ready to make the best use of the next 3 quarters of 2010!

My friend Ann and I were talking recently about how Ghanaians just don’t know how to relax and have a proper holiday like the obronis do. And we are not talking about having a few beers at Celsbridge or Golden Tulip or under that mango tree after work but actually planning, booking and flying out for a holiday in another place far from your home. When Ghanaians travel when annual leave, they work so they can shop and flash when they come back!!! Aaaaba! Learn to relax and rejuvenate!

Anyway, this year and every year, I’ve resolved to have time away from home and it need not be an international destination. We have so many delightful holiday destinations in Ghana that I plan to drag my husband or girlfriends to.

Please share any nice places (and not too expensive) in Ghana you’ve been to recently

Losing the Will to Blog

It’s been several weeks since my last blog entry and I must apologise to my million and one ardent fans, even the closet ones (who am I kidding?). Number 1 reason for the inactivity is that shockingly, I’ve been quite busy at work lately so not much free time during the day to think up silly stuff and actually type them out and upload.

After thinking hard about what sort of business I could set up which would enable me be my own boss, it finally hit me that:

1. there is nothing that I can effectively do within a 4 working hour day. I can only properly function between 10am and 2pm but to excel at anything, you have to put in more hours! Why didn't I come into this world as one of the Queen’s corgis or Paris Hilton’s chihuahua?
2. I thought of bringing Vegenosis (a hyposis program that convinces kids to love vegetables) to Ghana but I struggle to find a qualified hypnotist or even willing guinea pigs
3. Someone is yet to invent a device that can capture what is in your thoughts and transfer it into a nicely typed and formatted blog entry!

Ref number 3 above; for several weeks now I’ve been thinking about it plus how to synchronise my Blackberry to my PC and having a really hard time.

Even a nice shower with my favourite shower cream plus and some yummy smoothies created with my new super duper Philips Blender  have not restored my will to live after battling with these stupid ideas running in my head!

It upsets me that my husband deals with this kind of carp (yes, I know it says, "Carp." I was reading something and someone had misspelled "crap" and I decided that carp was much more descriptive anyway so that's what I'm using from now on. But I digress.) all day long and is still the very model of patience. When I step in the door everyday at 6:30pm looking harassed and ready to bite off someone’s head, he looks up with a very sanguine look on his face and says: “hello! How was your day”? and then I really do wanna bite off his damn head.

Now I’m thinking of setting up a public library, book shop, book swap shop, coffee shop…. Now that has to work right?

What are some of the most stupid, carp or silly business ideas you’ve ever thought of? And if some of you have actually been able to get a business off the ground and thrive, please share some titbits (I do love the word tit, yes I do!)

Whatever You do, Don’t Act Old

So I turned 30 a few months ago. For many years I’ve enjoyed people saying I looked like I was in my early 20s and seeing their shocked expressions when I said I was actually 25, 26, 27, 28 etc filled me with oh so much joy! But last week, my gym instructor had the nerve to look shocked when I said I was 30 …. He said I looked older! I know! How dare he!!!!!  I had to call on some extreme inner strength to stop the tears from spilling out of my (age-lines free) eyes. Thank God there were no sharp objects nearby.  For the first time ever someone thought I looked older than my years! I know he might have been lying just to kinda shock me into losing weight to look younger or whatever.

I was born quite late in the year but I’ve never been bothered when friends tease me about being the youngest in any class or group. I mean I was always proud that I missed the 80s, albeit by a matter of weeks but that mattered to me.  But now such comments are few and far between and I’m a little alarmed by that. I’m not vain and yes Naomi Campbell did say “Black doesn’t crack”, for a long time I cared deeply about my appearance and loved to look good and decent. But, marriage HAS changed me a bit. I have to admit I worry less about how I look and whether that blouse really goes well with that pair of trousers. I’m ashamed to admit this; every morning, I just rummage through the wardrobe and pull out what I can find. Not much thought goes into pulling off the right look for the day. Ei, when did this happen? I ask myself. No wonder I’m getting less (if not non-existent) winks in traffic.

And I know it is not only about the appearance. I asked myself:  “But what about the rest of me? I mean my behaviour. Am I acting older than I want to seem? Am I the wet-blanket at the party?” I had a bit of a rough time mid last year and I feel I lost a bit of spark then but I am determined to recapture it!

I mean when your aunt with 4 kids is wearing the same dress size as you and has a more extensive wardrobe and seems to know what’s up in Accra than you then you know there is a problem. Some people may think this is a rather shallow way of determining I have a ‘problem but hey ebe  my life and my wahala … I want to have people say to me again: “You look amazing for your age!”

Anyway, I’ve resolved to take care of my appearance, care more about how I look and also behave more vibrantly and exude more zest for life. To help me pull this off and also for those of you also experiencing premature mid-life crisis, I’ve put together some guidelines on how not to act old. You know I’m the mistress of lists …. J

1.  Don’t Listen to Sorry-Ass Music – I kinda try with this. Thanks to Joy fm and Atlantis radio I always have an idea of the music at the top of the charts and also at least once a week I spend about 30 mins browsing the music channels on DSTV. I mean I still can’t make out the words to most of the songs; I couldn’t when I was 18 and I still can’t at 30and I’m not even gon try. I just can't understand the slang/accent so I make up my own and if I have time I check it out online ….. But it is still the music from the 80s and early 90s that get me screaming “ I like this song” and moving and bobbing my head.

I mean nothing can beat songs like:

Salt-N-Pepa with En Vogue - "Whatta Man" (1993)	Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby" (1990)	Lionel Richie / "All Night Long (All Night)" (1983)
Human League / "Don't You Want Me?" (1981)	Foreigner / "I Want to Know What Love Is" (1984)	Salt-N-Pepa / "Push It" (1986)
Wham! / "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" (1984)	Cyndi Lauper / "Time After Time" (1984)	Madonna / "Like a Virgin" (1984)
Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" (1986)	Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You" (1992)	MC Hammer - "U Can't Touch This" (1990)
Snow - "Informer" (1993)	Right Said Fred - "I'm Too Sexy" (1992)	Jamiroquai - "Virtual Insanity" (1997)
Naughty by Nature - "O.P.P." (1991)	En Vogue - "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)" (1992)	Color Me Badd - "I Wanna Sex You Up" (1991)
Oasis - "Wonderwall" (1995)	Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby" (1990)	Chaka Khan / "Ain't Nobody" (1989)
New Edition / "Candy Girl" (1983)	Queen and David Bowie / "Under Pressure" (1981)	Michael Jackson / "Billie Jean" (1982)

I like a lot of the new songs but I do get tired of some guy telling his nigger to whop that bitch’s ass or whatever. I mean honestly these rappers, you need to re-invent yourselves ala Madonna. And all the new boy bands just do the same melodies and dance steps over and over again. But I do love Leona Lewis, Alicia Keys and Mary J Blige; you can’t fail with those ladies. But Mariah, I love you girlfriend but you need to quit trying to squeeze your rump into those dresses which are 2 sizes too small!

So I’m listening to the newbies and loving some of them and tuning out the ones I don’t love. This is not by force. And we all know most of the new songs are old ones rehashed and served to us without enough spice.

Some ideas for those of you who might want to renovate your playlists:

·         If you love Diana Ross, you might like Nelly Furtado

·         If you love Elvis, you might like Justin Timberlake

·         And if you love Marvin Gaye, you’re totally out of luck L

2. Vodka is Out (apparently) – Some time ago, it was all about vodka tonic, vodka martini, Bloody Mary etc. I mean Cosmo championed it and apparently ( I seem to be using this word quite a lot), it was the in thing especially in the 60s and we all know how it doesn't smell, it has no distinct taste and goes with almost anything and you could get wasted without much hustle.

Well, apparently (again), it’s out. The young have turned their backs on it.  So what are you supposed to drink instead if you don’t want to act old? I like Gin but my friend Ann says it’s kinda reminds her of Essex sluts; ordering their triple G&Ts almost absent mindedly and downing then almost absentmindedly as well  ….. so what’s a girl to do?

If you’ve been to a hipster bar recently, you know that mixology is the thing: Precious cocktails concocted from a drop of this and a dram of that and shaken ever so vigorously with all the theatrics that would make Olivier oh so jealous.  A Tony award anyone? With all these seksy names. I mean I have been tempted to take pictures to remember them by. And the decorations. Ei! Umbrellas and fancy straws them tings.

3. Be Over-dependent on Mom and Dad - With more “kids” living longer than ever with their parents, why shouldn’t you, in the interest of acting younger, join the trend? And it’s not only a home you can mooch (or sponge, bum, leech, or scab; so many new terms ….) off mom and dad, but food, furniture, clothing, and actual cash. I stop at the cash but I still go for banku nicely wrapped in poly and packed in a food warmer. It does make me feel like a little girl again when my mom does stuff for me. But beware; getting married limits how much you can sponge off your parents.

Catherine Finn, who is a bona fide futurist with a Washington firm called Social Technologies, advises those who don’t want to act old: “Be over-dependent on your parents. Have them lend you money or buy you something you really don’t need. Go a step further and move in with your parents. Then complain about how terrible it is to live with your parents.”

Some useful things you can do with your time and money once mom and dad are footing the bill: Get a qualification in beauty therapy, reflexology, fitness training, creative writing etc. Tell Daddy, you want to do something more fulfilling which would also impact positively on other people. Become a rich and famous blogger, citing me as an inspirationJ.

I am now seriously considering doing my laundry at my mom’s’ house. Maybe I’ll hit her up for toll money (can you believe the increment?), cash for fancy cocktails and her contribution to my “rainy day fund”.

4. Screw the Housework – I’ve been an advocate of this ideology forever. You get married, you move into your own home, you have kids, and even if you keep working (obviously I’m talking to the women here), somehow it becomes all about the housework and what would be on the menu tonight.

Here’s what I mean: Ask a 30+ woman to describe her perfect man, and somehow housework will always feature.  He’s great in bed, and he changes the sheets! He can cook you a great dinner, listen to you talk throughout the meal, and happily cleans up afterward. Come to think of it, what sex and conversation?? If he cooks and cleans then he is in!

I know it takes a lot to run a home and life and that of the child (passing off as an adult male) you married; a lot of work and effort, and you know who ends up doing it all! So it would be great to have a man who is not afraid to don a pair of Marigolds.

Yes, but ….. 10 years ago these things weren’t that important to you so why now?? 10 years ago, I only cared about having great sex, being at the cool parties, wearing cute clothes, listen to cool music and have a cool job. And no it’s not okay just for a 20 year old to think like that; so what if you are 40 and still think this way? Wouldn’t life be sooo exciting? Wouldn’t you wake up with a smile on your face ready to embrace your day? Wouldn’t your husband, shagmate, boyfriend just love to be around this fun person?  

The problem with housework is that it takes so much time and energy you don’t have anything left over for creativity and the life of the mind. You would continually moan about having to do all the work. There was one time, I got home after a long day at the office, and my husband opened the door with a smile on his face (he had missed me, aawww bless him!) and the first thing I said was: “who left those scuff marks on the floor? I’m sure it’s you”! His face just dropped. I couldn’t help it, I was thinking I need to get that mop out and clean that and I was sooo tired already!

We spend all these hours keeping a perfect house because we think people are going to judge us by it and then suddenly you turn into this sour puss constantly nagging and worrying about the state of the bathroom and kitchen etc. 20 years later, the kids are grown up and you downsize to a 2 bed bungalow and you have no career and no hobbies and nothing interesting to talk about. Eish!! Live people! Get a cleaner (if you can afford it), those dishes can wait till tomorrow. They aren’t going nowhere, if he says he will do it tomorrow, leave him, he will.

4. Hoist Those ‘Girls’ Up! - As the years advance, we full-figured babes have a weighty challenge ahead of us. How to hoist the ‘girls’ as high as possible without resorting to a bra the size of the whole Northern Ghana? And how to prevent them from kissing the floor and slamming bang into our knees as we walk.

The answer, as with so many things, is money. Any bra that’s going to do its considerable job and still look feminine, attractive and young is going to set you back at least as much as you just spent on your last servicing for your car. You’re going to have to go to a fancy lingerie department to be fitted by a trained professional brandishing a tape measure and buy it. My dad has always told my Ma he likes bobby-stand bras. He has pressed and pressed on this issue for years and I started buying her fancy and padded bras from M&S and she has loved each one of them. Cos, trust me it pays … in the bedroom and everywhere! I admire these middle-aged Ga women who represent at funerals, out-doorings etc with their boobs right up to their noses. They understand the power of a perfectly hoisted pair of boobs, the confidence that gives you is amazing. Hitting 40 is no excuse to just let the ‘girls’ down.

Your bra needs to lift, separate, streamline, steady, and smooth. Impossible? No. Expensive but worth it? Hell Yea!

DON’TS OF THE BRA-WORLD: No elastic thick and strong enough to support a bungee jumper. No more than three hooks in back. No cups so capacious they totally rule out the possibility of cleavage. No quadriboob; no backfat (though this is hard to prevent when you go past size 14...)

5. Enough of the Man-Bashing - Sad, isn’t it? I mean, what else would you and your girlfriends talk about when you meet for some fancy cocktails at Rhapsody’s? But it’s time to retire those quips about brains in penises.

And for the last time, let me just tell you my favourite man-bashing joke:

Q: What do you call the useless bit of flesh attached to a penis?

A: A man.

If you’re determined to act younger, you should know that man-bashing has gone the way of bra-burning. Feminists today love men, appreciate men, even revel in gender differences without needing to feel that men are in any way inferior to women, a stance I wholeheartedly support.

I hope my husband reads this and ‘rewards’ me handsomely tonight. Wink wink wink

6. Break that Weekend Sex Routine – Ok so weekends are the best times for you to fulfill your conjugal duties; I’m not even going to call this sex or making love. Cos anything that is scheduled and done on routine is just soooo NOT seksy!

And the thing is I DO understand cos I’ve been there. Co-habiting while in the UK and a year of marriage has taught me that there are lots of good reasons to corral sex into a regular, convenient time slot. Monday to Friday, it’s just hard n’est ce pas? Wake up at 5am, crawl into bed tired at 9pm; I mean where is the time to bump and grind? Your Blackberry is going off; Desperate Housewives are calling etc. But you know you gotta do it or else your sorry ass would be single! Forget Sundays koraaaa, Saturdays are best to get a shag in while you can. How did life become sooo boring you ask yourself? Before I got married I could find the energy to drive to his house for our regular HAS (hot afternoon sex); now that was one routine I totally ‘digged’. But now I can’t find the energy to even do it in the evenings,

Most couples find themselves indulging in ‘every-Saturday-night-whether-you-want-to-or-not’ sex. And that is NOT fun; no matter how hard you try to justify it. Something that should be fun, thrilling and heart-racing turns into a relationship-maintenance duty. Ugh! A bit like sorting your rubbish into recyclable portions; I mean that is soo unrealistic especially in Ghana but you still find yourself doing it anyway cos you think that is the adult and responsible thing to do even though you don’t enjoy it … 

7. Lust after the Right Celebs – Apparently, Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas, Bill Clinton, Paul McCartney, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, et al are not the ones you should be lusting after ….. Sigh. I know, I know. I used to love Kirk Douglas too. After I watched Spartacus for the first time, I lay on my bed daydreaming about that cleft in his chin ….

The new demi-gods are the Brad Pitts, Matt Damons, Morris Chestnuts, Orlando Blooms, George Clooneys et al are the ones you should be creaming after I still think Robert Redford is cute but I hesitate to admit that cos I think I will be branded as old and uncool. Someone actually labeled Paul Newman as crusty (bless his soul). But I still think Sean Connery has been able to hold onto his sex appeal. As for Bill Clinton … wasup with these heart issues? Monica ‘held’ on for too long?

Anyway, Silvia Berlusconi will always do it for me; unless I am asked to trade him for 2 George Clooneys …..

8. Stop Hoping Paris Hilton Would Just Go Away - If you’re wondering who Paris Hilton is, then you’re worse than I am. Or maybe better off: It might be preferable to live in blissful ignorance of Paris, her sister Nicky, Tara Reid, Nicole Richie, the Kardashians and Lauren Conrad (huh? who?) than to suffer the weekly — nay, daily, hourly – torture of wondering why Paris et al are famous and when they’re just going to go away.

Never, that’s when. And yes, Paris and her friends are richer than you, they’re treated more nicely, they get way more free goodies and fabulous job offers and they most certainly get lots more sex and love too. Of course it’s not fair, naturally you deserve it more, but hoping the world will see the error of its ways and turn its attention from them to you is just, well, immature.

My recommendation: Start watching shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians (I love this actually), The Hills and Leave it to Lamas, they may not be good for your soul, but still good entertainment.

That’s all for now folks. You may not agree with me on some or almost all of that; but that would also prove that you take life way too seriously and you need to start working your way through number 1 to 8 pronto!! J

Any more that anyone would like to add? Please streaking during a football match does not count.

Quote for today:

Life is like a dick, when it’s hard, fuck it ……………… Lamisi Mbillah