What Type of Spice Am I

So I participated in one of those online survey/tests that told me 5 questions later what sort of spice I am …… Drum roll …………… I am a Sage! This is what it said about me:

You're the type of person who has already learned a lot from living. For you, life has been a character building exercise. Your dream is to live a life you cherish. You don't want to waste time on things that don't matter. You are always observing and thinking. You appear calm and self-possessed to the outside world. You are concerned with inner beauty. You think once we understand ourselves, we are beautiful on the inside.

Aside the foolish days of my youth when I read too many Cosmo and Glamour magazines telling me about the 100 ways that I can please my boyfriend in bed, I usually don’t take such tests too seriously but this one had me down pat.

Now I am going to Google and find out more about the spice sage.

Mental Health

Ok, so I have been going on a fair bit about finding the motivation to restart blogging. For a long time I didn’t blog cos my thoughts were all quite dark and that was not what I wanted my blog to be about. You see, I have extended my life-long need to appear/seem happy and carefree always even to my blog. Fine, a few dark posts escaped onto my blog but I had to really try real hard not pour out all of my thoughts and anguish and ‘poison’ y’all. J

But I have come to accept that my readers (feels good to type that lol) wouldn’t want no fakery. I have to be honest with myself and with y’all. You need to know what I have been through. Through it all, I spent so much time online; I was obsessed with reading about other people’s experiences with pregnancy and infant loss. It was an obsession that was good for my soul. It was good to know that other people felt the same way. That I was not alone, that I was not cat-lady crazy to be grieving for a baby lost even after God had blessed me with another.

I used to cry, I used to have a permanent cold and sniffle all the time cos there was always a tear ready to escape from my eye. Charley it was hard ooooo. Why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we all go obroni-like and have support groups in Ghana?

I was mildly depressed for a while. I am not sure if I admitted it to myself then but I knew I wasn’t ok. I used to wake up sometimes and wonder if it was worth getting out of bed and facing the world. I used to wonder how much easier my life would be not to wake up in tears every day. And even though I never actually planned doing it, I did wonder if it really was worth it? That IS bad innit?

I have been too ashamed to admit it to anyone but for the past few weeks, I have had people close to me or who I know go through tough times like the loss of a much-loved parent, marriage crisis, family abandonment, loved ones seriously ill, mental ill-health etc. These friends have been open to me about their feelings and I had appreciated them letting me into their private thoughts. I have done my best to be there for them and it has got me thinking a lot about how culturally, we don’t deal with emotional support well. Mental ill health is seen as a white thing.

We all try to illustrate these perfect lives. Who really shares the bad days? And more importantly, who doesn’t judge someone when they do? People cannot openly talk about being mentally and emotionally broken and needing or seeking help to get back up. We stigmatize it and gossip and think poorly about people with such issues. We think any woman who appears unstable should learn to deal with life’s obstacles. She needs to learn how to become this beacon of strength that represents all Black women.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend about how I leant to be self-reliant and learned to live through my difficult times on my own. I mean I even felt I would be burdening my friends if I spoke about how sad I was; no one needs that shit. And she advised me that that strategy too could end badly. And it is true. Because, if things get really tough, you can break in a shocking way.

People say all the time, You’re so strong! That’s so far from the truth. Truth is, behind closed doors, I allowed myself to be weak. I allowed myself to cry, I allowed myself to trawl through online forums and blogs, unburdening myself on strangers, I allowed myself to leave a meeting and have a good cry in the toilet, I allowed myself to cry in traffic (fuck what the people in the next car thought; I don’t know them), I allowed myself not to take calls when I don’t want, I accepted that I didn’t have to put myself in situations that caused me emotional strain like going to kiddie birthday parties just to please friends, I didn’t judge myself for eating an entire tub of ice-cream etc. I know that’s what has gotten me through it all.

I live inside of my weak. (term borrowed from a blogger)

I used to scream in my head “Who says I have to be strong? Why do WE have to be strong? FUCK THAT!!! My baby died and I don’t wanna.” LOL!

I just want to reiterate that it is ok to ask for help. I saw a psychologist twice. Both times, she just listened to me, allowed me to cry without judging me. I couldn’t do it with anyone else without feeling like I was inconveniencing them or making them uncomfortable in some way.

God has blessed my husband and me with this beautiful and awesome girl who fills me with so much joy every single day! I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I am.

But I still grieve for my first born. That will never go away and I have accepted that. And I have accepted that life may still deal out some tragedies and more hurt my way. I will lose my parents, friends, cherished family members, I might lose a good job, I will be let down by family or friends etc. But I will be ok cos I have notched up some experience and I promise my sanity that I will do things better next time.

I want to do something to help others. I am not sure how or what yet but in the meantime, I am doing it in little ways by being there for loved ones, reaching out and speaking out loud about it and I want you all to do same.

A happier post coming up soon! J

What Makes A Mother

 What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
~Jennifer Wasik~

Dear Diary - 18th Jan 2013

I’m getting disillusioned with work and I continually wonder if I will ever enjoy or be able to cope with working for an employer for long without self-combusting.

In my current job which I have only been in for about 6 weeks, my colleagues annoy the shit out of me already for the most inconsequential reasons. And I know I am the problem. Will I ever care for work enough to want to do a brilliant job? Is it a phase most people go through? Will I finally make the 110% push towards operating my own business and not just as a side hustle?

Unfortunately, owning an HR consultancy just doesn’t thrill me. I actually wish I could live a life of leisure, look after my (future) kids, do the school run, supervise the housekeeping, have lunch with friends, cook fancy recipes for the family etc and still have money in the bank! And on the side I’d like to sell sex-toys! Yes I really do!

I’m just very tired with my life as it is now, I can’t keep myself from nodding off when I think about the current state of it.

Let’s see what 2013 holds

Why bother watching horror movies

If you crave some horror for a few minutes, switch to BBC or any other international news tv channel during their 'Africa Hour' or whatever they call it fronted by the token broadcaster of African descent they have on their payroll (some people may be offended by this but hey); or of just their 'regular news' about a nanny stabbing the children in her keep, or a father jumping of a high rise balcony clutching his kids, or a mobster blasting off the brains of a rival in broad daylight .....

For the life of me I don't know why anyone will choose to sit through close to 2 hours of a gory horror flick. Don't we have enough right on our doorsteps and on the news? Give me a nonsensical romantic comedy any day, a nice escape from dreary reality. Thank You!

Over dosing on Quotes on Marriages & Relationships ……………………

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” 
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

“You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” 
― Jodi Picoult, Mercy

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.” 
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

“Love, is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.” 
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.” 
― Cher

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” 
― Albert Einstein

“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

“I don't want to be married just to be married. I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with.” 
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” 
― Katharine Hepburn

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?” 
― Barbra Streisand

“No woman wants to be in submission to a man who isn't in submission to God!” 
― T.D. Jakes

“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I Love Him So!

My husband and I are the proud owners of an 8 month old Doberman called Ace that we’ve had since he was about 12 weeks old.  Ace is like family and most of the time I would rather spend time in bed hearing him at my bedroom window than spend time with most of the people that I know.

He loves me no matter what...if I am having a bad day or good day, if I am stressed or not, if I am well or sick... He is like my baby who will never grow up. J I would NEVER say having a dog is the same as having a child or children. It’s not. I would also never say being a parent is easy. I respect parents so much. But, personally, I feel there are definitely *similarities between having a child and having a dog. Loving, responsible pet owners absolutely go through “child-like” experiences with their animals.

The unconditional love from my dog melts my heart; the way he wags his tail (or tries to wag his tail as his was docked off soon after birth) when he sees me; the way he licks my hands and feet and climbs all over me, the way he jumps up to my bedroom window when he hears I’m in and pushes his face through the railings to be petted; the way he completely ignores my screams to ‘Stop it” (whatever it is); the way I worry when his barking seems a little bit different at night; the way my heart bleeds when he is being spanked even though I know he kinda deserves it …………He keeps me up at night with his racket but when I look into his brown eyes in the morning I seem to forget how upset I was the night before.

The only downside to having Ace is the constant little disagreement between my husband I as to how we want him to be brought up, as a fierce guard dog or as a loyal family pet. I’m delighted to say that nature seems to be winning over nurture and Ace is just a loveable rogue who’d rather play and be petted than to guard. And it is through no doing of mine, I swear! J