Me Without You

• I remember my first day without you, I will never be the same.
• Life stood still on that day and I found it shocking and puzzling that the world around me carried on like normal
• My life is now sectioned into before and after that day.
• I am constantly aware of your absence
• A thousand moments I took for granted because I assumed there would be more
• And what really gets to me, almost kills me are the memories and moments I am creating each day with our daughter without you.
• I miss you. I miss your smile, your voice, your bear hugs, your smell, your jokes, how you made me feel. I miss your everything. I miss the future I was supposed to have with you and I hate my now.
• I just want to hug you so much right now; I have so much left to say to you
• The waves keep coming but I am learning to surf

Grief

“Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” 
― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

Rememberance & Moving On

Waves of grief still roll in from time to time and there isn't a day that goes by that a memory is not stirred, a wistful thought provoked by a place, a song, a silhouette, or a song or a photograph. But I am OK. I have survived.

A Letter to My Husband

Mi tsui, it is so hard to express just how much you meant to me, but I so want to try. I want to respond to the beautiful words that you put into your speech on our wedding day.
When we first met over 17 years ago, I remembered being overwhelmed by a desire to become a part of your world. You were so full of life, exciting, fun and interesting and you remained so until the day we lost you.

We lost and regained contact over the years till we reconnected again in London in 2006 when we were both smarting from failed relationships. We confided in each other about “oh how hard and confusing this thing they call relationship was!” We maintained contact and I encouraged you to move back home as I was planning to. You were finally convinced to make the move after a holiday home and you actually relocated to Ghana a month before me. When I came to Ghana, things just fell into place and the many years of friendship blossomed into a relationship. We knew each other well as friends so things quickly escalated and we were married within 15 months of us moving to Ghana.

You called me Tsui meaning ‘Heart’ in Ga because you said I was that to you. I remember our beautiful wedding day. It was quite simply the most wonderful day of my life. You were at the core, all that I wished for in a husband and memories from that day are just some of the richest and warmest I will have of you. I remember the precious times we shared on our honeymoon. We were having such a happy time and we were enjoying experiencing new things. We felt so at peace, so relaxed and were so excited about the future.  I have always felt lucky that you chose me to share in your life experiences and I am grateful for some exceptionally special memories and times.

I will miss our cuddles in bed with our daughter Awura on Sunday mornings. I even miss our squabbles which now seem so petty. We would squabble about the meaning of words and phrases; even after the meaning had been checked on Google! I miss you leaving empty water sachets around the house. I will miss how often I would exclaim to you that “I cannot clean up after another adult!” because you seemed unable to hang up towels, wash up dishes or wash soap suds off the shower walls.  I miss the often profane and silly things you would say to me; in fact, just a week before we lost your physical self, you told me I should start a blog post titled “My Husband Says the Darndest Things”. I thought that was a brilliant idea and I had my first entry ready. I was soo happy to finally have the carte blanche to share the silliness that came out of your mouth sometimes.
We did not share similar interests but what we knew how to do very well from the very beginning was how to allow the other to be; even though you tried and failed many times to get me to learn Poker and Chess and I also tried and failed to get you to finish watching a romantic comedy film without falling asleep or to indulge in a bit of gossip; you always threatened to tell the one I was gossiping about. You however, indulged me in my desire to go away on short breaks around the country. Chief, you got me so well and I am scared no one else ever will.

You were so intelligent and smart and committed 100% to every job you took up. It was all or nothing for you all the time and colleagues or business partners often struggled to understand you in that regard. You always remained true to and unwavering in what you believed in; a trait that exasperated me sometimes yet I admired many times. You had such a brilliant mind and I am sad to say that I now know I underestimated your awesomeness.

We endured some truly trying times in our quest to grow our family and through all those moments, you remained stoic, supportive and understanding. You were there to hold my hand every step of the way and hug me when I felt most vulnerable and low.  All that we went through helped me to cope with the suddenness and finality of death. I have accepted the loss of your physical self quickly without any sense of ‘whatifs’ but I have to cope with this journey of loss alone.

I am so happy and grateful to God for giving us the opportunity to become parents. Awura is such a joy! She comforts me to no end. She has your cheeky grin that makes me smile and I know she will make us proud. She is a special human being just like her Dada. It tears me up inside knowing that you did not get the opportunity to be a parent for many more years because in the months that you got the opportunity to be a father, you did it well and showed tremendous promise. It could take you days to get round to changing a light bulb but you would put together a piece of furniture or a toy for Awura in a heartbeat. You would squeeze her so tight in your arms, I wondered if she could breathe. You said Awura was so beautiful inside and out that we needed to make more like her as quickly as possible.  The role you played best was that of Dada as it should be.

It hurts so bad because I wish we could have had more years together. Our family life was finally coming together. We were finally getting to the point of making big plans together but I am comforted and consoled by the rich tapestry of memories that we formed over our 5.5 years of married life together. Thank you.

Tsui, I promise you will never ever be forgotten especially by Awura and I will miss you so very much. You were one person who did not cope well with death or even sickness in others so I know you will understand if I don’t say goodbye to you now. What I will say instead is 'See you later!' And may the Lord keep you safe until that time. I'm looking forward to it so very much!
All my love now, forever and always.
Your tsui, your Deedee

Loves longing takes me across the river

Over the mountains and along the shore

You are here because I will it so

And because love knows no boundary

Your body is gone but your love lives here within my heart

My days grow shorter and my nights seem darker now

I am sad at times because you are gone

Happier still to have had you in my life for so long

Your love is here and my breath is your breath

And will remain so until I can no longer inhale

Goodbye mi tsui

Until we meet again...

What Type of Spice Am I

So I participated in one of those online survey/tests that told me 5 questions later what sort of spice I am …… Drum roll …………… I am a Sage! This is what it said about me:

You're the type of person who has already learned a lot from living. For you, life has been a character building exercise. Your dream is to live a life you cherish. You don't want to waste time on things that don't matter. You are always observing and thinking. You appear calm and self-possessed to the outside world. You are concerned with inner beauty. You think once we understand ourselves, we are beautiful on the inside.

Aside the foolish days of my youth when I read too many Cosmo and Glamour magazines telling me about the 100 ways that I can please my boyfriend in bed, I usually don’t take such tests too seriously but this one had me down pat.

Now I am going to Google and find out more about the spice sage.

Mental Health

Ok, so I have been going on a fair bit about finding the motivation to restart blogging. For a long time I didn’t blog cos my thoughts were all quite dark and that was not what I wanted my blog to be about. You see, I have extended my life-long need to appear/seem happy and carefree always even to my blog. Fine, a few dark posts escaped onto my blog but I had to really try real hard not pour out all of my thoughts and anguish and ‘poison’ y’all. J

But I have come to accept that my readers (feels good to type that lol) wouldn’t want no fakery. I have to be honest with myself and with y’all. You need to know what I have been through. Through it all, I spent so much time online; I was obsessed with reading about other people’s experiences with pregnancy and infant loss. It was an obsession that was good for my soul. It was good to know that other people felt the same way. That I was not alone, that I was not cat-lady crazy to be grieving for a baby lost even after God had blessed me with another.

I used to cry, I used to have a permanent cold and sniffle all the time cos there was always a tear ready to escape from my eye. Charley it was hard ooooo. Why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we all go obroni-like and have support groups in Ghana?

I was mildly depressed for a while. I am not sure if I admitted it to myself then but I knew I wasn’t ok. I used to wake up sometimes and wonder if it was worth getting out of bed and facing the world. I used to wonder how much easier my life would be not to wake up in tears every day. And even though I never actually planned doing it, I did wonder if it really was worth it? That IS bad innit?

I have been too ashamed to admit it to anyone but for the past few weeks, I have had people close to me or who I know go through tough times like the loss of a much-loved parent, marriage crisis, family abandonment, loved ones seriously ill, mental ill-health etc. These friends have been open to me about their feelings and I had appreciated them letting me into their private thoughts. I have done my best to be there for them and it has got me thinking a lot about how culturally, we don’t deal with emotional support well. Mental ill health is seen as a white thing.

We all try to illustrate these perfect lives. Who really shares the bad days? And more importantly, who doesn’t judge someone when they do? People cannot openly talk about being mentally and emotionally broken and needing or seeking help to get back up. We stigmatize it and gossip and think poorly about people with such issues. We think any woman who appears unstable should learn to deal with life’s obstacles. She needs to learn how to become this beacon of strength that represents all Black women.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend about how I leant to be self-reliant and learned to live through my difficult times on my own. I mean I even felt I would be burdening my friends if I spoke about how sad I was; no one needs that shit. And she advised me that that strategy too could end badly. And it is true. Because, if things get really tough, you can break in a shocking way.

People say all the time, You’re so strong! That’s so far from the truth. Truth is, behind closed doors, I allowed myself to be weak. I allowed myself to cry, I allowed myself to trawl through online forums and blogs, unburdening myself on strangers, I allowed myself to leave a meeting and have a good cry in the toilet, I allowed myself to cry in traffic (fuck what the people in the next car thought; I don’t know them), I allowed myself not to take calls when I don’t want, I accepted that I didn’t have to put myself in situations that caused me emotional strain like going to kiddie birthday parties just to please friends, I didn’t judge myself for eating an entire tub of ice-cream etc. I know that’s what has gotten me through it all.

I live inside of my weak. (term borrowed from a blogger)

I used to scream in my head “Who says I have to be strong? Why do WE have to be strong? FUCK THAT!!! My baby died and I don’t wanna.” LOL!

I just want to reiterate that it is ok to ask for help. I saw a psychologist twice. Both times, she just listened to me, allowed me to cry without judging me. I couldn’t do it with anyone else without feeling like I was inconveniencing them or making them uncomfortable in some way.

God has blessed my husband and me with this beautiful and awesome girl who fills me with so much joy every single day! I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I am.

But I still grieve for my first born. That will never go away and I have accepted that. And I have accepted that life may still deal out some tragedies and more hurt my way. I will lose my parents, friends, cherished family members, I might lose a good job, I will be let down by family or friends etc. But I will be ok cos I have notched up some experience and I promise my sanity that I will do things better next time.

I want to do something to help others. I am not sure how or what yet but in the meantime, I am doing it in little ways by being there for loved ones, reaching out and speaking out loud about it and I want you all to do same.

A happier post coming up soon! J

What Makes A Mother

 What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
~Jennifer Wasik~