Dear Santa

Since Christmas is a few days away, I have decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes of getting nice presents for this year.

Dear Santa,

How are you? Our correspondence has been sporadic this year.  I tried adding you on Facebook but you never replied; I do most of my communication with friends on Facebook so you really missed out on my daily updates and nonsense;  matter of fact, I think I posted a few prayers on there hoping you will see them and respond but alas ………..

I must say I was slightly disappointed last year when I was hoping for my boyfriend (at the time) to morph into Hugh Jackman at the stroke of midnight but I had to make do with the same dark Ashanti face on the pillow next to mine on 25.12.08 AM.

That’s ok, this year I've worked even harder than last year. I even managed to get a special recipe so I can bake you some nice brownies. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supply milk since I'm lactose intolerant and still working on Number 6 of my achievements below; so I'll just leave a carton of beer for you.

Anyways, some examples of my good behaviour are:

1.  I cut down on the porn (honest main reason being my husband doesn’t like them much)
2. sinful thoughts about what I’d like to do to Hugh Jackman are almost non-existent
3.  I have given money to the needy
4.  I have listened to my mother more and that means I’ve been to too many family funerals, weddings and other gatherings …. In fact, I’ve exhausted my quota of that for the next 12 months
5.  I’ve cut down on the swear words; they are now limited to: fuck (all time favourite), wanker, shit and piss. This an amazing feat indeed as my previous list had about 20 entries ….
6. I am farting and burping less; I love my husband very much and would not want to lose him cos of this bad habit. Can you imagine what he would write on the divorce application??? I have altered my diet slightly so I am now able to achieve the silent but odourless ones. Nobel Peace Prize anyone …..?
7.  I have been a good wife: I’ve fed, cleaned after, and cuddled my husband on demand
8.  I have been a good daughter to a mother who sometimes makes me want to do a DNA test just to be sure she is mine. I send her a text each morning to be sure she is ok. One morning I sent off my normal “are you alive” text and the response I get?: “I died yesterday”!!!
9.  I’m thinking less evil thoughts of my boss

Now to the most important part of my letter: what I wish for this year. I am not going to be asking for peace and joy for everyone in this world. Come on! How realistic is that? I’ve been called a number of things in my life but idealistic was never one of them. Anyone who asks for that is clearly not in their right minds; maybe their mama smoked pot when pregnant with them?? 

Well, this year, below is my wish list. Please don't disappoint me.

Dede’s wish list: 

1. A free annual supply of Burger King Angus Pepper Burger
2. A free annual supply of Haagen Dazs ice cream (Pralines & Cream flavour)
3. Cherry flavoured condoms and lubricant
4.  I’d like a pair of legs that don’t end and are slim and fit into skinny jeans and arms that don’t jiggle when I wave at someone
5. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in 2005
6. A talking husband doll that says: “Yes, you look skinny in that dress to boost my confidence
7. 12 pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools
8. If you’re hauling big ticket items this year then:

a.    I’d like a Honda CRV

b.    42” LCD television

c.    a refrigerator with a secret compartment where I can hide my stash of Haagen Dazs ice cream

1. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting:

a.    “wash the soap suds off the shower walls”

b.    “Lift the toilet seat and put it down when you are done”

c.    “Don’t leave the boxers on the floor, make sure it is in the laundry basket, not on the floor by it”

d.    “don’t wake me up before 7am on weekends”

because my voice seems to be just out of my husband’s hearing range after just 11 months of marriage

That is all. I am even prepared to make renovations on my house and install a chimney just for you to slide through.

Have a safe trip and remember to have some of the cookies on the table, but don’t eat too much or leave crumbs on the floor.

Hope to see you soon!

x o x o x

PS ; we can even lose weight together. You’ve been putting on a bit round the waist and your red suit looks a bit tight …… If you give me all I want, I will get you a free annual subscription to Pippas, I hear the showers there are very clean.

Blog Virgin

Does anyone remember their first time?

Most often you don't because it was crap and not memorable.

I waited till the respectable age of 18; I've always thought that was something to be proud of. As if when asked: "what is your proudest achievement in life", I could scream out: "waiting till 18 before being deflowered!" :0)

But yes, I did it in the early hours of January 1st 1998 about 6 weeks after my 18th birthday. I'd like to think we were the first to have sex that year. I don't remember the act itself but I remember the significance of doing it at that particular time when I was meant to be at church ushering in the new year with prayer and thanksgiving.

My mother was quite upset when I got home later than the other neighbourhood kids. And for the first time ever, I received the verbal onslaught with a smile on my face thinking: "if only you knew what I had been up to" and also: "when can I do it again". Oh goodness! the foolishness of youth! My life was consumed with sex thereafter, weeks after weeks after that. We did it at at every opportunity, anywhere and everywhere ..... I had a boyfriend who had an admirably voracious appetite!.

Anyway, back to the subject of breaking virginities AKA doing something for the first time.

I am breaking my blog virginity and hopefully it won't hurt too much, and I have plenty of tissue on standby. There is a particular brand at Max Mart which can really soak up and has the absorption power akin to that of a Tampax heavy flow tampon; the type you use on the 2nd day of flow :0)

I won't attempt to describe myself here, and neither am I asking for others' opinions of me. Some people believe the best & most honest descriptions are from other people. But hell no! not me! I don't have much faith in the intelligence of others' ability to figure me out correctly.

I will try and keep up with posting here about all manner of things in my life and my musings on life in general. As the title says, it will be a lot of blathering; wiktionary defines blather as - nonsensical or foolish talk; to talk rapidly without making much sense and that is exactly what you will find on here. I have skinny also in the title cos I am NOT skinny but lately I've been thinking an awful lot about losing weight and becoming skinny. I'm hoping when I think it enough that I will become it. Someone say Amen!

I'm also hoping that in my madder moments people reading this in centuries to come will attribute my foolish nonsense to marvellous ingenuity

Quoting from Gladiator, 'What we do in life echoes in eternity' my hope is that anyone reading this will echo with something slightly better than 'WTF?!'.

25 Random Things About Me

1. My favorite curse-word: "Wanker" - it is able to capture all that i feel quite aptly .... usually when it involves other road-users

2. If heaven exists, what would I like to hear God say when I arrive: "Welcome, Dede - all your family members and friends are waiting for you over there - Grandpa and Uncle Paa Joe and Sweetie and the others - and dinner is just about to be served, and you will be sitting between Heath Ledger and Luther Vandross. Welcome."

3. I have had four marriage proposals. Three I said "No" to

4. I'm very big on having crushes on football players. My first was David Beckham (how predictable is that??) during his stint at Manchester, then it was Frank Lampard with the waxed chest hair look. I have since moved on to Steve Gerrard and of course I am an avid Liverpool fan now!

5. I have a lot of views on various issues but I am not in any way, shape, or form, a social conservative. All that family values, moral values, religious right stuff is highly offensive to me, personally.

6. My parents rock. I feel like, on some cosmic level, I must have CHOSEN them as my parents.

7. I laughed so hard once in primary school that I literally peed my pants.

8. I just love gay guys! And I don't mean this in a patronising way at all. I just think they are so much fun and gossipy and very hardworking. I just love their takes on life. I need my own GBF called Will! And I so enjoy gay porn as well!

9. I have always been fascinated by auto accidents. I have wondered on numerous occasions how it would feel like to be involved in a high speed accident and be in a somersaulting car like how James Bond's Vanquish somersaulted 7 times or so (a record in a movie I must add). Though in all my imaginations, I have always emerged from the accidents unscathed and in one piece.

10.I have dated two guys at the same time, completely double-timing both of them, until one of them won out. Temporarily. Now all y'all exes don't come asking pls!!

11. I’m afraid of the open waters, especially when I can’t see the bottom

12. Ongoing passions:
Steve Gerrard
Harlan Corben books
The male-female dynamic
My new husband (lol)

13. My favorite weather is grey rainy windy chilly days but only when I am at home, under a duvet with my husband's warm body ..............

14. My ambition as a child was to sell tomatoes. You know how you are asked what you wanne be when you grow up??? Yea my response was always: "I want to sell tomatoes"

15. Sometimes, I don’t use a nail cutter to trim my toenails; I get down and tear them off with my teeth ..... Bliss. Try it. (totally disgusts Him though)

16. I am allergic to healthy food

17. My Mom's ambition when I was young was for me to become the first female UN Secretary General. Now how does a child go from being a tomato seller to getting that job?? Beats me too. I think she's given up on that dream now (well I hope!)

18. I had my first real kiss when I was about 17 in the back of a taxi and he did it so roughly, crushing my lips against my teeth ... my lips were swollen for hours afterwards! Not a very good start but I have really improved, I've been told!

19. I have always secretly thought that I was a good singer and could actually give Alicia Keys a run for her money if it was not for my stage fright ......... until recently when I tried karaoke ...... shame shame shame

20. I have lesbian tendencies/thoughts but only towards Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow. I will handle them or so tenderly and gently!

21. I don't really care much for animals and I hate hate hate holding them. The feel of their bones under the skin just terrifies me ugh!!!

22. I think the most overrated piece of artwork I have ever seen is the Mona Lisa. Can someone please explain the appeal of this painting to me?

23. When I look into the mirror while naked now, I see myself turning into my mom and it terrifies me no end!!! The slope of the boobies, the love handles, the shape of the booty, my chunky thighs ........ Lord help me!

24. I giggle/laugh/smile a lot, when I am sad, happy, breaking bad news, sharing good news, when I am pissed off etc. The smile just creeps up my face even when I'm thinking what a wanker the person I'm dealing with is. My boss thinks it is a good trait for an HR person and someone actually thanked me on how I handled informing him of his redundancy!!! But sometimes, I just wish I didn't smile soo much!!

25. I love making love or making the sex as someone said (was it Borat?) and I am recently wed so it's all gravy now. But peeps keep talking about about how your sex life gets into a rut after being married for 5 yrs plus and that feels me with dread!! How will I survive if my husband goes off me??? Well, I might get to indulge in my one fantasy ..... 3some!!! to spice things up eh?? That's every guy's fantasy too right?


And after all that above, my stream-of-consciousness is running out ... so i will end here..