Dear Santa

Since Christmas is a few days away, I have decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes of getting nice presents for this year.

Dear Santa,

How are you? Our correspondence has been sporadic this year.  I tried adding you on Facebook but you never replied; I do most of my communication with friends on Facebook so you really missed out on my daily updates and nonsense;  matter of fact, I think I posted a few prayers on there hoping you will see them and respond but alas ………..

I must say I was slightly disappointed last year when I was hoping for my boyfriend (at the time) to morph into Hugh Jackman at the stroke of midnight but I had to make do with the same dark Ashanti face on the pillow next to mine on 25.12.08 AM.

That’s ok, this year I've worked even harder than last year. I even managed to get a special recipe so I can bake you some nice brownies. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supply milk since I'm lactose intolerant and still working on Number 6 of my achievements below; so I'll just leave a carton of beer for you.

Anyways, some examples of my good behaviour are:

1.  I cut down on the porn (honest main reason being my husband doesn’t like them much)
2. sinful thoughts about what I’d like to do to Hugh Jackman are almost non-existent
3.  I have given money to the needy
4.  I have listened to my mother more and that means I’ve been to too many family funerals, weddings and other gatherings …. In fact, I’ve exhausted my quota of that for the next 12 months
5.  I’ve cut down on the swear words; they are now limited to: fuck (all time favourite), wanker, shit and piss. This an amazing feat indeed as my previous list had about 20 entries ….
6. I am farting and burping less; I love my husband very much and would not want to lose him cos of this bad habit. Can you imagine what he would write on the divorce application??? I have altered my diet slightly so I am now able to achieve the silent but odourless ones. Nobel Peace Prize anyone …..?
7.  I have been a good wife: I’ve fed, cleaned after, and cuddled my husband on demand
8.  I have been a good daughter to a mother who sometimes makes me want to do a DNA test just to be sure she is mine. I send her a text each morning to be sure she is ok. One morning I sent off my normal “are you alive” text and the response I get?: “I died yesterday”!!!
9.  I’m thinking less evil thoughts of my boss

Now to the most important part of my letter: what I wish for this year. I am not going to be asking for peace and joy for everyone in this world. Come on! How realistic is that? I’ve been called a number of things in my life but idealistic was never one of them. Anyone who asks for that is clearly not in their right minds; maybe their mama smoked pot when pregnant with them?? 

Well, this year, below is my wish list. Please don't disappoint me.

Dede’s wish list: 

1. A free annual supply of Burger King Angus Pepper Burger
2. A free annual supply of Haagen Dazs ice cream (Pralines & Cream flavour)
3. Cherry flavoured condoms and lubricant
4.  I’d like a pair of legs that don’t end and are slim and fit into skinny jeans and arms that don’t jiggle when I wave at someone
5. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in 2005
6. A talking husband doll that says: “Yes, you look skinny in that dress to boost my confidence
7. 12 pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools
8. If you’re hauling big ticket items this year then:

a.    I’d like a Honda CRV

b.    42” LCD television

c.    a refrigerator with a secret compartment where I can hide my stash of Haagen Dazs ice cream

1. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting:

a.    “wash the soap suds off the shower walls”

b.    “Lift the toilet seat and put it down when you are done”

c.    “Don’t leave the boxers on the floor, make sure it is in the laundry basket, not on the floor by it”

d.    “don’t wake me up before 7am on weekends”

because my voice seems to be just out of my husband’s hearing range after just 11 months of marriage

That is all. I am even prepared to make renovations on my house and install a chimney just for you to slide through.

Have a safe trip and remember to have some of the cookies on the table, but don’t eat too much or leave crumbs on the floor.

Hope to see you soon!

x o x o x

PS ; we can even lose weight together. You’ve been putting on a bit round the waist and your red suit looks a bit tight …… If you give me all I want, I will get you a free annual subscription to Pippas, I hear the showers there are very clean.