A Journey - 18th February 2012

18^th February 2012

I need some peace in my life

I have been feeling disconnected from the God I felt connected to a few months earlier. I struggle to pray cos I feel he knows me more than I know myself and will not buy any bullshit pretence from me in prayer.

I cannot pretend I understand.

I cannot pretend I am patiently waiting on him.

I cannot pretend I am willing to leave all to him.

I cannot pretend I care about anything else apart from what I have lost.

All the other good things in my life give me no comfort.

I even feel disconnected in church cos connecting will mean breaking down and making a fool of myself in front of strangers.

I am losing myself in buying clothes! Oh my goodness! Thank God I don’t own a credit card at this point in my life. I’m burning up enough Airtel units to browse!!

I am planning a trip in a few months and I am quite excited by that. Something to do! I just wish I were brave enough to try a country I have never been to before. But I guess I have the whole year ahead of me to realize new thrills and dreams.

God’s speed to me! Yea selfish new me! J

A Journey - 29th October 2011

29^th October 2011

It is better on most days but not easier.

It takes just one fleeting thought to bring it all back like it was just yesterday.

They say it gets better with time; and I believe them on most days.

But on the days that it all seems so fresh and hurts like new, I'm so scared it will always be the same and I wonder how I can survive it.

I never want to forget her yet I want to be able to move on and feel some semblance of hope and happiness again. How do I reconcile these two wishes?

I'm scared of the known. I'm not sure how I can handle other friend's babies and be happy for others.

I'm so self-absorbed now and nothing matters more than my own personal misfortune. I still haven't been able to start and finish a prayer. I can't whole-heartedly praise and adore Him in prayer; He will see right through it all.

I'm told it's ok to cry out to Him but I guess He knows it all already, what is lying heavy in my heart. The way my life has been redefined.

I don't want to be defined by my loss; I am much more than this one experience.

Yet, it is the most important now. It is all I think about.

Returning to work has helped in some way yet it feels strange knowing that the world is still going on. It did not stop.

It is hard dealing with having to correct the congratulatory messages and then the pitying words and looks. But I'm sure that too will die down and get better.

I need to find the strength inside to:

·         Move on

·         Care about other things like my job

·         Make future plans

·         Get back in touch with God

·         Not lose connection with my husband

·         Not forget the world did not stop revolving; day is still turning into night and night into day

·         Not lose touch with well meaning friends

A Journey - 13th October 2012

13th October 2011

I miss waking up with a purpose or plan for the day.

I miss laughing with absolute abandon; the type of laugh that starts deep inside me and erupts out of my lips.

I miss looking forward to the start of a new day.

I miss the banality of those days.

I miss having the will to have a good old tiff with him.

I miss the absence of sadness.

I miss the old me.

I miss her.

When will I feel whole again?

When will I care again?

When will the sadness go away? It seems to have taken up permanent residence deep inside me.

When will my heart stop aching? When will it stop skipping beats?

When will I find the strength to move on?

When will she come back?

A Journey - 8th October 2011

8th October 2011

I keep thinking: I lost my baby. My baby is gone. My baby is never coming home.

I try to occupy my thoughts with other things, and I succeed for a while but sure enough after a short while, these thoughts come back.

I don't understand why this happened. We were not prepared. There was no warning, no sign, no indication. She couldn't have just stopped breathing?? Why did she just stop breathing? Why did God allow that to happen?

I thought we had finally been able to align our wishes with God's plan for our lives. We were sooo hopeful after the first week. We thought that was it. We had soo many plans for her. Soo many people were happy for us and praying for her. This was it for us, we thought.

It's like driving merrily on a quiet highway, with no other cars around you, all the lights are turning green for you and you are doing a steady 100km/HR while humming along to the radio, very sure you will get to your destination in no time. Then out of no where, you are hit on your side by another car doing 1000 km/hr! Out of nowhere!! The shock is immense and the air is knocked out of you and you are not sure you will ever be able to breathe again.

When I close my eyes, I see her. The way she was the last time I saw her on Sunday before going to church. She was lying on her side sleeping, looking so content. I touched her, and she cried softly. Chief said not to disturb her. I was soo happy she was growing! I could see and feel cartilage growing in her ears!! I raved about that to anyone who would listen that Sunday! Then we went to church and I cried as I thanked God for being soo good to us and answering our prayers. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God. I thought the people sitting around us would wonder who is this crazy woman smiling and crying. Little did I know.

My life seemed to have stopped on Monday morning when I walked in to see her. I was ready wih my cooled Breast milk, I was ready to pump some more for her. Then the nurse called me aside and when I looked into her face, all I could say was Oh Noooo! I was numb all over. My life stopped then. I keep replaying that moment  over and over in my head.

When will the pain stop oh Lord? I'm trying to move on but .... My chest feels sooo tight and my thoughts so heavy, and the tears just beneath my eyelids, ready to spill over and over.

This is not like the other loses. I feel sooo tired and numb and sad and wrung out. I feel like I've gone through a full cycle in a washing machine. I can't adequately articulate it. Friends mean well but their messages of good will and questions just tire me out.

Where can I find solace oh Lord? I am sooo grateful for my brave lioness of a mother and my dear dear husband. The only one who shares this with me equally. my protector, my partner, my life mate. I'm soo sorry he has to experience this but I'm grateful he is the one I'm experiencing this with. I can't imagine this without him.

I wish that when I say it is well, I meant it. Cos, i don't but I am hopeful.