29th October 2011
It
is better on most days but not easier.
It
takes just one fleeting thought to bring it all back like it was just
yesterday.
They
say it gets better with time; and I believe them on most days.
But
on the days that it all seems so fresh and hurts like new, I'm so scared it
will always be the same and I wonder how I can survive it.
I
never want to forget her yet I want to be able to move on and feel some
semblance of hope and happiness again. How do I reconcile these two wishes?
I'm
scared of the known. I'm not sure how I can handle other friend's babies and be
happy for others.
I'm
so self-absorbed now and nothing matters more than my own personal misfortune. I
still haven't been able to start and finish a prayer. I can't whole-heartedly
praise and adore Him in prayer; He will see right through it all.
I'm
told it's ok to cry out to Him but I guess He knows it all already, what is
lying heavy in my heart. The way my life has been redefined.
I
don't want to be defined by my loss; I am much more than this one experience.
Yet,
it is the most important now. It is all I think about.
Returning
to work has helped in some way yet it feels strange knowing that the world is
still going on. It did not stop.
It
is hard dealing with having to correct the congratulatory messages and then the
pitying words and looks. But I'm sure that too will die down and get better.
I
need to find the strength inside to:
·
Move
on
·
Care
about other things like my job
·
Make
future plans
·
Get
back in touch with God
·
Not
lose connection with my husband
·
Not
forget the world did not stop revolving; day is still turning into night and
night into day
·
Not
lose touch with well meaning friends
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