A Journey - 8th October 2011

8th October 2011

I keep thinking: I lost my baby. My baby is gone. My baby is never coming home.

I try to occupy my thoughts with other things, and I succeed for a while but sure enough after a short while, these thoughts come back.

I don't understand why this happened. We were not prepared. There was no warning, no sign, no indication. She couldn't have just stopped breathing?? Why did she just stop breathing? Why did God allow that to happen?

I thought we had finally been able to align our wishes with God's plan for our lives. We were sooo hopeful after the first week. We thought that was it. We had soo many plans for her. Soo many people were happy for us and praying for her. This was it for us, we thought.

It's like driving merrily on a quiet highway, with no other cars around you, all the lights are turning green for you and you are doing a steady 100km/HR while humming along to the radio, very sure you will get to your destination in no time. Then out of no where, you are hit on your side by another car doing 1000 km/hr! Out of nowhere!! The shock is immense and the air is knocked out of you and you are not sure you will ever be able to breathe again.

When I close my eyes, I see her. The way she was the last time I saw her on Sunday before going to church. She was lying on her side sleeping, looking so content. I touched her, and she cried softly. Chief said not to disturb her. I was soo happy she was growing! I could see and feel cartilage growing in her ears!! I raved about that to anyone who would listen that Sunday! Then we went to church and I cried as I thanked God for being soo good to us and answering our prayers. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God. I thought the people sitting around us would wonder who is this crazy woman smiling and crying. Little did I know.

My life seemed to have stopped on Monday morning when I walked in to see her. I was ready wih my cooled Breast milk, I was ready to pump some more for her. Then the nurse called me aside and when I looked into her face, all I could say was Oh Noooo! I was numb all over. My life stopped then. I keep replaying that moment  over and over in my head.

When will the pain stop oh Lord? I'm trying to move on but .... My chest feels sooo tight and my thoughts so heavy, and the tears just beneath my eyelids, ready to spill over and over.

This is not like the other loses. I feel sooo tired and numb and sad and wrung out. I feel like I've gone through a full cycle in a washing machine. I can't adequately articulate it. Friends mean well but their messages of good will and questions just tire me out.

Where can I find solace oh Lord? I am sooo grateful for my brave lioness of a mother and my dear dear husband. The only one who shares this with me equally. my protector, my partner, my life mate. I'm soo sorry he has to experience this but I'm grateful he is the one I'm experiencing this with. I can't imagine this without him.

I wish that when I say it is well, I meant it. Cos, i don't but I am hopeful.