The Leaf With A Teardrop

What? How could that be? Is this just a nightmare? When will I wake up? I just want to wake up!

But, I didn't wake up. It was real. I was so utterly shocked and frantic that I couldn’t cry at first.

All in a single moment, my whole world crumbled around me and my dreams were shattered. Shaking my head back and forth, the only words I could put together were “no, no no,” half wanting to plead with the nurse but knowing there was nothing she could do to reverse events and take back her words.

God can I please have her back?!

But, there was nothing I could do...just cry.

It all felt like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.

My little girl was gone.

Deep belly sobs rattled me to the core and for the third time in my life, I felt that ache in my heart that comes from knowing my child is in the arms of the Lord, rather than here with me.

I just found out today that in some parts of the US when mothers lose their babies, they have a picture of a leaf with a teardrop hanging on the door to their hospital room, to inform nurses and doctors that whoever was inside that room has a baby that didn't survive and it is sooo significant in what it means and stands for. 

"The leaf with the teardrop reflects both intense suffering of loss and hope for the future. Though fallen, the leaf maintains its vitality, symbolizing hope. It cradles the teardrop with its upturned edges creating a sense of comfort.  As seasons change, so do feelings.  Just as there is winter and spring, there is sadness and hope."

A Journey - 18th February 2012

18^th February 2012

I need some peace in my life

I have been feeling disconnected from the God I felt connected to a few months earlier. I struggle to pray cos I feel he knows me more than I know myself and will not buy any bullshit pretence from me in prayer.

I cannot pretend I understand.

I cannot pretend I am patiently waiting on him.

I cannot pretend I am willing to leave all to him.

I cannot pretend I care about anything else apart from what I have lost.

All the other good things in my life give me no comfort.

I even feel disconnected in church cos connecting will mean breaking down and making a fool of myself in front of strangers.

I am losing myself in buying clothes! Oh my goodness! Thank God I don’t own a credit card at this point in my life. I’m burning up enough Airtel units to browse!!

I am planning a trip in a few months and I am quite excited by that. Something to do! I just wish I were brave enough to try a country I have never been to before. But I guess I have the whole year ahead of me to realize new thrills and dreams.

God’s speed to me! Yea selfish new me! J

A Journey - 29th October 2011

29^th October 2011

It is better on most days but not easier.

It takes just one fleeting thought to bring it all back like it was just yesterday.

They say it gets better with time; and I believe them on most days.

But on the days that it all seems so fresh and hurts like new, I'm so scared it will always be the same and I wonder how I can survive it.

I never want to forget her yet I want to be able to move on and feel some semblance of hope and happiness again. How do I reconcile these two wishes?

I'm scared of the known. I'm not sure how I can handle other friend's babies and be happy for others.

I'm so self-absorbed now and nothing matters more than my own personal misfortune. I still haven't been able to start and finish a prayer. I can't whole-heartedly praise and adore Him in prayer; He will see right through it all.

I'm told it's ok to cry out to Him but I guess He knows it all already, what is lying heavy in my heart. The way my life has been redefined.

I don't want to be defined by my loss; I am much more than this one experience.

Yet, it is the most important now. It is all I think about.

Returning to work has helped in some way yet it feels strange knowing that the world is still going on. It did not stop.

It is hard dealing with having to correct the congratulatory messages and then the pitying words and looks. But I'm sure that too will die down and get better.

I need to find the strength inside to:

·         Move on

·         Care about other things like my job

·         Make future plans

·         Get back in touch with God

·         Not lose connection with my husband

·         Not forget the world did not stop revolving; day is still turning into night and night into day

·         Not lose touch with well meaning friends

A Journey - 13th October 2012

13th October 2011

I miss waking up with a purpose or plan for the day.

I miss laughing with absolute abandon; the type of laugh that starts deep inside me and erupts out of my lips.

I miss looking forward to the start of a new day.

I miss the banality of those days.

I miss having the will to have a good old tiff with him.

I miss the absence of sadness.

I miss the old me.

I miss her.

When will I feel whole again?

When will I care again?

When will the sadness go away? It seems to have taken up permanent residence deep inside me.

When will my heart stop aching? When will it stop skipping beats?

When will I find the strength to move on?

When will she come back?

A Journey - 8th October 2011

8th October 2011

I keep thinking: I lost my baby. My baby is gone. My baby is never coming home.

I try to occupy my thoughts with other things, and I succeed for a while but sure enough after a short while, these thoughts come back.

I don't understand why this happened. We were not prepared. There was no warning, no sign, no indication. She couldn't have just stopped breathing?? Why did she just stop breathing? Why did God allow that to happen?

I thought we had finally been able to align our wishes with God's plan for our lives. We were sooo hopeful after the first week. We thought that was it. We had soo many plans for her. Soo many people were happy for us and praying for her. This was it for us, we thought.

It's like driving merrily on a quiet highway, with no other cars around you, all the lights are turning green for you and you are doing a steady 100km/HR while humming along to the radio, very sure you will get to your destination in no time. Then out of no where, you are hit on your side by another car doing 1000 km/hr! Out of nowhere!! The shock is immense and the air is knocked out of you and you are not sure you will ever be able to breathe again.

When I close my eyes, I see her. The way she was the last time I saw her on Sunday before going to church. She was lying on her side sleeping, looking so content. I touched her, and she cried softly. Chief said not to disturb her. I was soo happy she was growing! I could see and feel cartilage growing in her ears!! I raved about that to anyone who would listen that Sunday! Then we went to church and I cried as I thanked God for being soo good to us and answering our prayers. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God. I thought the people sitting around us would wonder who is this crazy woman smiling and crying. Little did I know.

My life seemed to have stopped on Monday morning when I walked in to see her. I was ready wih my cooled Breast milk, I was ready to pump some more for her. Then the nurse called me aside and when I looked into her face, all I could say was Oh Noooo! I was numb all over. My life stopped then. I keep replaying that moment  over and over in my head.

When will the pain stop oh Lord? I'm trying to move on but .... My chest feels sooo tight and my thoughts so heavy, and the tears just beneath my eyelids, ready to spill over and over.

This is not like the other loses. I feel sooo tired and numb and sad and wrung out. I feel like I've gone through a full cycle in a washing machine. I can't adequately articulate it. Friends mean well but their messages of good will and questions just tire me out.

Where can I find solace oh Lord? I am sooo grateful for my brave lioness of a mother and my dear dear husband. The only one who shares this with me equally. my protector, my partner, my life mate. I'm soo sorry he has to experience this but I'm grateful he is the one I'm experiencing this with. I can't imagine this without him.

I wish that when I say it is well, I meant it. Cos, i don't but I am hopeful.

Me Me Me Me!!!!

One blogger I follow recently shared a list called the Everyday Assertive Rights. It is used in behavioural therapy.

You might call it self-medication but I have found that going through it calms me down, gives me fresh perspective in these turbulent times and reminds me that I am allowed to make mistakes and be vulnerable and also to focus totally on myself and my inner circle in order to survive the messy times that we oft go through.

I have the right to…

1.___ say “No.”
2.___ be competent and proud of my accomplishments.
3.___ feel and express anger.
4.___ be treated as a capable human being.
5.___ make mistakes and be responsible for them.
6.___ change a situation.
7.___ say “I don’t know, I don’t agree, and I don’t understand.”
8.___ be treated with respect.
9.___ express my needs, opinions, thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
10.__ judge my own behavior and be responsible for it.
11.__ take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms.
12.__ have a support system.
13.__ be myself and have a separate identity.
14.__ structure my own time priorities.
15.__ request help and receive information from others.
16.__ ask and not assume.
17.__ have privacy.
18.__ say “I’m not willing to accept that responsibility.”
19.__ be imperfect.
20.__ grow, learn, change, and to value my age and experience.
21.__ recognize MY needs as important.
22.__ _______________________________________________

It really helps. Try it!

Begone, Unbelief!

At this point in my life when I'm trying (but struggling) to find solace, confidence, inspiration and fresh hope, i hope stumbling upon this hymn again would help.

I have sung this hymn numerouse times in church but never has it resonated sooo deeply within the very core of me! And not even because it is describing what I'm feeling at present, but it is describing where i want to be with respect to my spirituality and faith in God. I know I'm not there yet; I cannot say my faith has been shaken. No no no! God has shown me that faith pays. I am just seeking a deeper understanding of what his plan is for me and my family.

Yes, my life is dark and dreary at present but I'm looking for the inner strength and a sort of link by which I can hold on or cleave much tighter to God. From where else would I find solace?


Begone unbelief, my Savior is near,
And for my relief will surely appear:
By prayer let me wrestle, and He wilt perform,
With Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way, since He is my Guide,
’Tis mine to obey, ’tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken, and creatures all fail,
The Word He has spoken shall surely prevail.

His love in time past forbids me to think
He’ll leave me at last in trouble to sink;
Each sweet Ebenezer I have in review,
Confirms His good pleasure to help me quite through.

Determined to save, He watched o’er my path,
When Satan’s blind slave, I sported with death;
And can He have taught me to trust in His Name,
And thus far have brought me, to put me to shame?

Why should I complain of want or distress,
Temptation or pain? He told me no less:
The heirs of salvation, I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation must follow their Lord.

How bitter that cup, no heart can conceive,
Which He drank quite up, that sinners might live!
His way was much rougher, and darker than mine;
Did Jesus thus suffer, and shall I repine?

Since all that I meet shall work for my good,
The bitter is sweet, the medicine is food;
Though painful at present, wilt cease before long,
And then, O! how pleasant, the conqueror’s song!

Amen!