What's a Girl To Do??

I think I would be described as sweet-natured, laid-back (almost horizontal), no-hustle woman and reasonable by most of my ex-boyfriends and even my husband; though for my husband I have a sneaky suspicion his opinion may change over time.

But, I am human and a Ghanaian female (double trouble) and I have my moments of craze when I display signs of my body being possessed by an alien (has anyone seen ‘The ‘Bodysnatchers’?). I can be mean and every time I’m mean I could give a 1000 and 1 reasons why my meanness was justified. In this piece I will call all men Adam and females would be collectively called Eve; this is my opinion and some women may not agree with me but I am also called Evelyn so go figure.

1.     Adam doesn’t Listen – Eve tells Adam the things that are really important to her a million times. Adam just keeps on doing the same stuff that annoy Eve. It’s like Adam is on some mission! To get Eve to stab him out of sheer frustration! I mean when I say I don’t like my stew on the rice but by the side and you do it 3 consecutive times what is Eve supposed to do, jump for joy? She would rather reach for the cleaver ……

What to do: Adam, listen. This doesn’t mean “open your ears and hear her.” This means DO something differently. Obviously you can’t do everything Eve wants (I mean even God can’t do all that Eve wants, but plastic surgeons are trying and that’s another topic all together) – by the time Adam gets to the stage where Eve is fed up with him not listening, there is a very long list of things she wants Adam to change. That’s fine; Adam deserves that.

Adam, just change the important one or ones. Which is this? This is the thing that when you do, she no longer gives you the cold war. You know when Eve is upset she is not the kind to yell or throw things about; she gets super silent with a really tight face and just kind of goes from place to another trying to get away from you for a few minutes. When this happens, try to ask yourself “What thing has she mentioned did I do just before she started (insert behavior such as looking through me like I don’t exist)?” If you can stop doing that thing, she’ll feel that you have listened. At least for a while …………

2.     Adam ignores Eve - This involves #1 because it’s one of those things Eve keeps saying that keeps happening. But it’s still an additional and very important issue and has enough clout to be listed as a separated issue on its own. Yes, I know – when you are ready to spend time with Eve, she’s doing her own stuff like gossiping on the phone with her BFFs or browsing the net. Well, still. She needs attention. You must figure out how to give it to her if you want her to be nice. 

Remember: Attention doesn’t mean 3 hours a day–she’s WAY too busy talking to her friends on the phone, responding to emails, scheming with the snake in the Garden of Eden or shopping for that kind of time commitment. We’re talking 10-15 minutes of sitting with her when she seems to need your company; and you need to know when this need arises; you need to be able to know exactly when she needs your 100% attention on her and her alone. 

What to do: It’s SOO not hard – basically say: “hey, let’s TALK!” Don’t worry, this means something totally different to her than it does to you. To you, it’s doomsday. To her, it’s pleasure/verbal Diarrhoea Island. Now I’m gon help Adam out here; below are some sample questions you can ask to keep the ‘conversation’ going

·         How did your day go? 

·         Did you figure out what to do about that problem you mentioned the other day? When she asks which problem, you're gon have to be quick on the uptake and come out with something. I can't give you any definites, come on meehhnn can’t you read her mind?? Anyway, every Eve would have a problem with an annoying acquaintance, boss, or coworker. So THINK Adam!

·         As she tells you the answer, do NOT tell her she handled it incorrectly!!! You have NO idea what you’re talking about. Just say things like:

·         “oh really?” or

·         “hmmm, that was an original idea.”

·         also a really good one: “oh, that would work in a lot of scenarios.”

Trust me, this will take 15-12 minutes, and Eve would be really happy. This may feel fake but trust me again, in most cases this is what Eve is doing when you’re talking about your job. She doesn’t really care about all aspects of your job that she pretends to care about, but she wants to make you feel important. It won’t kill you to do the same; and she won’t even mind when she finds out you are faking; and trust me again she would catch you out one day; Eve is way smarter than Adam. But Eve won’t mind too much cos she knows it’s the thought that counts; even pretense takes a lot of planning and time.

3.     Adam creates so much work for Eve, yet does so little work - I know, most Adams do work and help. The problem is most Adams THINK they do, but really they don’t. Eve yells about Adam’s towels and clothes on the floor, his show scuff marks on the floor, his dried-up soap suds on the shower walls – why? Not because she wants to be mean. But because she’s tired, after having to put up with all those annoying colleagues and her boss at work (refer to # 2) and doing these things is extra work. Plus, the only reason she HAS to do them is because you didn’t. Not fair. Sorry, simply not fair. 

What to do: Adam, STOP and LISTEN. Take note of the work you create for Eve, and stop doing it. Adam should develop the valuable skill of picking out those important key words amidst the rant that he may get, and then stop creating one or two types of unfair work. If Adam is able to achieve this, he would be on his way to having a great week next week!

There is also the other topic of the extra work Adam creates for Eve by doing unnecessary stuff that Eve does not need doing! Every Eve should STOP her Adam from buying a tool box! Most Adams (unless he has been professionally trained) do not know their way around a spanner, drill or pair of pliers; they only pretend to. And an Adam always thinks when he uses a tool enough times he would automatically become a carpenter, electrician etc. And while he is learning, your house would slowly become a wreck.

At this point I know all the Adams reading this would be fighting the urge to acknowledge that I am making a lot of sense; they would be thinking of a counter-attack…… Well, I will save you that trouble; I realize there are many things your girlfriend and wife need to change. I’ve changed over just a year of marriage (I’d like to think), so I will at this point refer all Adams to my post of a few days ago on the lessons I’ve learnt from marriage. That post particularly flatters Adam so enjoy … 

Can't Think of A Title

The internet became my friend, flat-mate, bed-mate, lover (to love and to hold till death bla bla bla bla) when I was living on my own in the UK from about 2003 to 2007; I didn’t even have a flat-mate till 2005 I think. Anyway, I spent many evenings on my own with my laptop propped on my lap, pillow, coffee table etc wasting time on the www. I had my fair share of online porn as well during this period; I was a ‘3-days free trial’ whore. Then I discovered this male friend of mine was an even bigger addict (wish I could name and shame but he is happily married now …) anyway, he actually signed up for real and sent me access to all these sites, sign-in names and passwords. I could only imagine what his credit card bill was like! But, porn took up only about a teeny 5% of my time on the www; honest!

I also ventured into the wild blog-o-sphere and signed up to follow sooo many blogs from the interesting, funny, stupid, weird and to the intellectually stimulating; I choose to read blogs that make me laugh, help me grow, or share perspectives and I stay away from negativity and snarky rants. My “unsubscribe” button proved more effective for my mental health than the dozens of bible passages I read on patience, perseverance and goodwill to my fellow man. I didn’t start a blog myself at the time but I found myself paging through people’s ideas and funny stories. I had plenty of insane stuff going on in my head at the time and it was just great being able to lose myself in someone else’s funny world.

Well, till I started my own and found it was much much nicer to have my own patch on the www where I could splatter my daily crazy. I have now figured out that there is no reason to keep my thoughts locked up in my head (I can’t even keep a diary) when I could have (equally?) silly folks (suckers?) enjoy my silly outlook on life, my quirks and poor semi-colon usage.

One of the most unexpected things to come from my blogging – other than my flavour for colourful adjectives – is an imaginary string that runs from the words on my page straight to my husband’s psyche. Some ‘communication champion’ might be shaking their head now and tsk tsking to high heaven; thinking it’s not a great idea to communicate with a spouse through what I communicate to the whole world in my blog but I will beg to differ. The truth as I see it is that somehow my blog has enabled my husband to know me on a different level. I also believe nothing can replace personal communication with another human, but my blog is definitely the ménage à trios neither of us ever consented to.

1. On my blog I’ve told stories I never thought he’d be interested in. But was.
2. On my blog I’ve unveiled inadequacies and he never knew I had. But do.
3. On my blog I’ve ignited a zest for writing and memory I never knew I had. But he did. (this is very true. He had been pushing forever to get me to write or do something creative with respect to story-telling etc)
4. On my blog I’ve made promises and resolutions. And he’s trying to help me keep them. (even though, this is one thing I’m not too happy about ….. a lot of the time)
5. My blog has sometimes made him pause in the middle of an ‘activity’ and utter the words: “You’d better not write about this on your blog”

Sure he makes fun of my “cyber friends”, my addiction to facebook and of course he is getting tired of our private conversations ending up on public display. He gets irritable when I choose to bury my face in Facebook (that sounds good) when I could be having ‘sexy time’ with him. But he tolerates my blog and my other interests and my slightly different outlook on privacy levels, he reads my blog each time he gets an alert there is a new entry and he finds ways to know me even better through the words that I type.

I look forward to being a mother (a lot) and I am pretty sure that when that little one arrives I will be blogging about him/her and sharing the experience with family and friends on the blogosphere. He or she might even get his/her own website and I am pretty certain Daddy would be the one creating that site and supporting me all the way.

PS: God please don’t forget that the little one should have Daddy’s fingers, nose, height and long eyelashes only and NOT his tiny eyes. AMEN! J

Conversations With My Husband

One of the unexpected things that has come out of my marriage is the sheer absurdity in the verbal exchanges I have with my husband. Monday to Friday are hard days for me; when I crawl into the house around 6:30pm, crawl out of the shower and crawl onto the couch and repossess the TV remote  there is not that much talking happening and the little we do does not make much sense.

Below are a few of our verbal wranglings ….
H is Him and
M is Me

Episode 1

H: (pointing to heavily bearded man on TV) this is how I want my moustache to look like

M: but it won’t look like that. Your facial hair doesn’t grow right.

H: I will put SuperGro on it; in fact I will dip my whole face in SuperGro.

M: (rolling my eyes dramatically)

Episode 2

H: (in his white briefs) why are you looking at me like that?

M: I just learnt something new today

H: what?

M: you look very well endowed in those briefs

H: (puzzled look on his face)

M: just makes me realise that all those male models in the Calvin Klein underwear adverts may not be as ‘big’ in the flesh as I’ve always thought. Hahahahahahahha

H: (doesn’t look very amused)

Episode 3

H: they are saying there is going to be an earthquake

M: who said?

H: Parroka (the security guard) and all the neighbours are outside but I can’t find any info on BBC or CNN

M: what is the time?

H: 4am

M: please close the bedroom door behind you when you leave (cover myself with the cloth for another hour of snooze)

Episode 4

This time we are both in living room but pass each other messages written on pieces of paper like we are in a classroom and trying not to attract the attention of a teacher.

H: hi, my name is Chief

M: I know

H: I will like to get into your pioto

M: come and lick my punani

H: oh yea, I will like to juice it real good and also milk those boobies

M: (rolling my eyes dramatically and ignore him)

About 30 minutes later

Me: let’s go have sex

H: Sorry, I’m not in the mood anymore

M: (seething with anger inside)

Episode 5

Me: can you make the salad today

H: ok. What should I put in it?

M: anything honey, it’s your salad, do whatever you want. You are always going on about how you used to cook when you lived on your own. Please don’t tell me you need me to tell you what goes into a salad

H: well since I married you I’ve forgotten how.

Episode 6

Coming back to the bedroom from the bathroom to get ready for work, I found a piece of paper under my engagement and wedding rings by my bedside. On it was written “My name is Emmanuel Okyere, and I love you very muchJ”.

Me: Aaaaawwwww! My romantic, fantastic lover!

H: Foolish!

3 hours later, I’m at work and he calls me

H: how are you doing?

M: I’m floating on cloud 9

H: why?

M: Cos my husband loves me

H:  aaaawwww stupid!

Episode 7

H: Ah but did he think the tampons were for me?

M: Well maybe you are a closet gay and your a*hole is leaking all the time from ‘over-use’

H: Stupid! Yea I’ve been doing it with Nana and Tostee (my brothers).

Episode 8

 M: You need to shave your armpit

H: I’m actually growing it; I want to be able to braid it.

M: That is not going to be a good idea hygiene-wise; where will the deodorant go? It will be not be on the skin but be all tangled up in the hair (at this point, I’m using that kinda tone and intonation you use on kids so you win an argument; slowly and softly; I need him to shave dammit!)

H: I will spray the deo into the air around the armpit and the skin will absorb the deo from the air

M: What the fuck are you on about?? (I’m close to losing it here)

Episode 9

H: I’ve downloaded the entire catalogue of the Na’vi language (language invented for the movie Avatar)

M: (quizzical look on my face) What??

H: Very soon I will be able to speak fluent Na’vi

M: What the fuck?

H: You can learn as well

M: No, thank you, I’ve not yet mastered the English language

H: I know …… (bursts out laughing). I love the look on your face right now.

Episode 10

After watching the music video for 50 Cents’ ‘Baby by Me’

M: I can seduce 50 Cent, have his baby and then we can live off the child support payments. $50,000 a month should do aye? We wldnt have to work a day in our lives again. What do you think?

H: No, thank you! Everyone would still know I’m married to 50 Cent’s whore

M: (disappointed look on my face; I really wanted an excuse and permission to ‘do’ that ‘hot muscle’)

Some of my Favourite Things

1. Google – In my job and in finding ways to avoid doing any work at all I have learned how to use google and other search engines to track down just about everything under the sun. In the past I am ashamed to say that I have used that knowledge to cyberstalk old boyfriends and old school friends to see what kind of dirt I can dig up. It is quite fascinating what you can find out about a person on the internet and most of the time they don't even know it is out there.

It is also a great way to dig up info on another interest of mine: CELEBRITIES!!! I have even signed on for automatic alerts so I get to know the minute Brad Pitt coughs, when Lady Gaga collapses on stage, when Janet Jackson decides to flash any body part, when Hugh Grant decides to spit on a photographer etc. Oh how exciting! And of course I get on the phone pronto to share with Ann my fellow celeb-stalker.

2. OPRAH! – I love everything about her! Next to my mother I must be her biggest fan in Africa! She is all I ever want to be and I have prayed in the past to be reincarnate as her child; forget the fact that I have to die first ….. I really, really want to get on her show at Christmas so I can get all the free crap she gives away on the "Oprah's Favourite Things" episode. I will love all the cool free stuff. It would make Christmas shopping so much faster! Forget the fact that I’ve never been to the States and was bounced when I applied for a visa.
3. Sleeping & My bed – I am lazy like that. I only get out of bed because I have to. My father has called me ‘amerlia’ (when the Muslim ladies are locked in their bedrooms prior to a marriage ceremony or something along those lines) in the past cos I have spent about 3 days in bed before with the TV remote control in hand:

·         Waking up and knowing its my day off; rolling over and going back to sleep

·         Waking up and realising its still day off; thinking about getting up; rolling over and going back to sleep a little longer.

·         Waking up and wooowwee it still day off; stretching and considering getting up; rolling over and saying to myself....bad bad girl; reaching out and feeling for the remote control; rolling over again and dreaming of some guy in bed with me

4. Anything Funny – music, movies, men etc. I have always gone for men with great senses of humour. Never mind that the funniest of my exes treated me the worst as well! I still have warm and funny memories of our time together. If I had to pick one thing to be remembered for it would be my sense of humour. I don't think I was funny when I was younger, but as I have grown up I have honed my smart-ass skills and developed a desire to not take anything too seriously. The best compliment I can get is when someone tells me I am funny.
5. My Husband’s bottom – it is super cute, just the right consistency, not too soft, not too hard and the shape/slope is simply divine. And I particularly love squeezing it when we are in public. I used to enjoy the look on his face when I did that but now he’s gotten used to it and it’s not generating much drama. Alas!
6. Piccolino Restaurant – this is an Italian restaurant in Manchester and I think they make the best Chicken Caesar pizza in the whole wide world! The dough is soft and nice; the parmesan is spread liberally all over plus fresh green lettuce. It’s just like a proper Chicken Caesar salad on the best pizza crust ever!
7. The sounds of my neighbour's awful little dog yapping and yapping and yapping - I can’t believe I am typing this because it used to annoy the shite outta me when we first moved into our house but now it kinda makes me feel better because it's like this ongoing absurd annoyance that interrupts whatever bad thing I'm going through right then and makes me smile and even laugh because it's so ridiculous and life goes on anyway.
8. Apple crumble and custard – need I elaborate?
9. Really bubbly baths with Radox; the green one – I used to do that a lot but miss it now since we only have a shower at home!!!! Argh!!!!
10. I love the happy and carefree look on my Mom’s face when my dad is around - I have to put up with her moaning and sometimes slightly depressing attitude when he is not in town. It is a refreshing change when he’s around and they hang out and go away for dirty weekends.
11. I love waking up and realising its only 3am and I have at least another 2 hours before I have to wake up
12. A quiet Sunday at home with the husband, a good book and Midsomer Murders on TV
13. I like knowing that I have at least 20 different food choices within a 5 mile radius when I’m hungry – hey I love food ok?
14. The sound of my granddad giggling when my mom tickled him during his last days in hospital. Good memories that tear me up ….

I would have loved to end with: “And finally the best thing is laying down at night and knowing that I tried to make a difference that day to someone, if it's just a smile to a stranger or a kind word to someone who was down. If we all did that what a world we could possibly live in.”

But I would be lying if I said that cos all I ever care for is good health for my family (cos I really don’t have the cash to bury a parent or sibling now), food in my belly, a happy husband and digital TV!

I am Now Leaving Obese City

Am I really that fat? That question seems to pop into my head a lot these days whenever I walk past a mirror or see a recent photo.

I have been thinking of losing weight for almost all of my adult life. There is only that many ‘it’s in the genes’ excuses I can give. I have to admit, I can’t remember the last time I’ve been happy with my weight. I can remember as far back as secondary school (might have been about 15) and worrying about my jelly belly and love handles even though I think I was about a size 12 then. The cruel truth is when I was a kid and dreaming about selling tomatoes, I also loved love handles on women!! And now, I’d gladly endure painful surgery to take it all away.

Losing weight is oh soooo difficult! I really can’t stand all the stupid women's magazines with covers screaming silly promises like "Lose 20 Pounds in 3 Weeks Without Dieting, It's Easy!" Well, it's not easy to lose weight and keep it off. And I hate it when the perky people in the magazines try to imply that it's just a matter of finding the right "solution" and then, presto! Steamed chicken and vegetables is all of a sudden more appealing than a big tub of Haagen Dazs? Setting the alarm for 4:30am to get to the gym before work is going to become a fun new part of the daily routine? Reeeeally? Kiss my fat black ass liars!

For some time, I was kinda stuck at size 16; sometimes lucky to go down to the fat side of 14 and then I moved back to Ghana and I’m kissing size 18 full smack in the face and I feel like I’m gon say hello to 20 soon!! I’m upset with myself but oh still defiant when people comment. I think making comments about people’s weight is very rude and Ghanaians are great with this. Why do people think it is ok to say something about someone’s weight? Like you think I don’t know? You don’t think it’s a personal issue and you aren’t that close enough as a friend to have the privilege of telling me I’ve put on weight in my face? And those scallywags selling weight-loss medicine at the trade fairs and mall, who walk boldly up to you and tell you they are selling something they know you need. My mom has a ready insult for them each time involving the words ‘fuck’ and ‘off’.

I don’t enjoy being overweight, I don’t enjoy not being able to cross my legs comfortably, I don’t enjoy struggling to pull on my skinny jeans (yes, they make it for us fatsos too), I don’t enjoy sweating a bucket-load every morning when I get out of the shower, I don’t enjoy seeing my tummy wobble below me when we are doing it doggy style and I don’t enjoy waving those things which look like dinosaur (the flying type) wings which used to be called arms. I sooo want to be just 2 sizes smaller but I don’t know how I can fit losing weight into my daily routine. The food I am working on; reducing my daily food intake/portion sizes etc. It is the inactivity that is killing me and slowly turning me into the female version of the Elephant Man. In the UK, I was walking/running to the bus stop or train station. In Ghana, I’m walking to my car, walking to my front door, walking from the couch/bed to the loo and back; considerably shorter distances and it’s all gone into my belly, arms and thighs.

Everything seems to be up against my little efforts to live a better life:

• I seem to retain water more than the Akosombo dam
• I never was a chocolate person but colleagues at work are always giving away toffees, chocolates and soda
• Persistent sample girl at Shoprite force-feeding me pork sausages and Four Cousins wine
• Friends ringing me up early in the morning literally forcing me to meet them at Melting Moments for a full English breakfast (you know who you are Sally, Ann and Lamisi)
• Four Cousin Wine makers bringing out wine in humongous bottles! I mean how?? You know I’m gon buy it and finish it in less than 48 hrs.
• Stuck in traffic jam on my way home and all these hawkers waving sugar-cane, potato chips and biscuits in my face. I mean we need to buy their stuff to help them make a living right? I’m just doing my bit for society.

I saw this list somewhere ‘Losing Weight is Like Childbirth’:

• Lots of screaming, crying and cussing along the way.
• It’s a process that feels like is never going to end.
• There’s a voice telling you “Push! Push!”
• Doctors think they have all the answers, but people have been doing it without them for centuries.
• You’ll soon have a bunch of clothes that are too big for you.
• There are a million books on the subject.
• It was more fun to get in the situation you’re in than to get out of it.
• Spouse thinks they know what you’re going through but they don’t.
• It helps if you’ve got someone there to lend you support.
• Drugs are optional.
• If you’re healthy, there’s no reason you can’t do it.
• There’s quite a bit of labour involved.
• It’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever do.
• It’s a real pain in the bottom.
• If all goes well, a brand new life emerges.

Sooooooooooooooo true but I’d rather go through childbirth than try losing weight and failing. I hate failing at something and so sometimes I’d rather not try at all. It’s this bad: I used to worry about the thought of losing a spouse after many blissful yrs of marriage together so I considered not getting married at all and saving myself the inevitable heartache. Unless of course I kill my husband for abusing me; well that will be justice and I would expect a Nobel Peace prize for that.

I went to see my doctor some weeks ago about my feet that have been swelling up and down like a see-saw for the past few months. We had a long chat; he made me undress and poked me all over the place, belly, back, joints etc checking if my organs are the normal sizes. After enduring the poking round for several minutes he then says he would like to do further tests as he is not confident he is getting through to my organs through the fat!!! For fuck’s sake!! So? I've got fat everywhere, just in case you haven't noticed. He could have saved himself and me the inconvenience of seeing my naked fat body by just going straight to the blood tests.

Well all the blood tests came back normal apart from the Liver Function Test. And may I also mention that getting the blood out for the tests was excruciating! They couldn’t find a vein through the fat! I was pricked all over the place (usually I don’t mind being ‘pricked’ outside of a hospital) before finally getting through into a vein.

When I went for the test results, he went on about the abnormal reading in the Liver function test and not knowing the real reason why it is that high; though it is not high enough to be alarming or think it could be liver failure or whatever. But he moved onto the subject of stopping drinking alcohol and losing weight. He said that in most cases like these the best way to turn things around is to lose weight, lose weight, lose weight, stop drinking, stop drinking, stop drinking. Really, during the entire consultation, he must've said "lose weight" and “stop drinking” 50 times. Okay, okay - baby seal to the club - enough all - fucking-ready!!! I get it - lose weight, stop drinking or else!!

But back to reality - I really, really need to lose weight. No kidding. Everything that's wrong with my life now is because of my weight: my low(ish) body-image, my aching and cranky bones, being out of breath after a little exertion, heated conversations with my husband, my abnormal liver function etc. But struggling to button up my size 18 TM Lewin shirt some days ago has added pressure that has got me flipping out to the point of feeling really anxious - like I've got some landmine in my gut. It's the same anxious feeling that would have me traipsing to the fridge in search of some comfort. Well, that's out. I'd take up knitting but I'm afraid I'd stab somebody with the needle when I get frustrated or stressed if the pounds don’t fall off quickly enough. And hey - isn't stress/cortisol not good for weight loss? Ah yes - the old Catch 22.

I know I need to quit giving excuses and thinking of ways to sabotage my husband’s personal weight loss efforts (Dear Chief, why do you think I was cooking roasts on Sundays and marsh potatoes laden with butter and full cream???).

I’m all about positive and realistic goal setting, so I am not gon set the bar too high. I figured a half-pound loss would be a do-able achievement over seven days. What if I lose more than the half-pound? Whoop de doo, I will be awesome and I could award myself some fat-free brownie points.

Well, I'm going to have to keep it together long enough to lose some more weight and keep it off. The wake-up call has come and the snooze button is no longer operational. I think this is what the bottom looks like.

Things I’ve Learnt from Marriage

Sunday 17^th and 24^th January 2010 would mark the first anniversaries of my traditional marriage and wedding ceremonies respectively. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I can’t help but give myself a pat on the back for not stabbing my husband yet; but to be honest, he’s not given me any reason to want to do that. We did have a few heated words this morning on exercising and losing weight but as usual I think I left home more upset than my husband was feeling. If we do a rewind later tonight he would be puzzled if I labeled it an ‘argument’ and mention that I was upset. To him, we just spoke about exercise. That is my husband for you …. I am sure if anyone asked him if we’ve ever had a fight he would say no.

My husband’s strengths and faults are a good match to my own. When we met over 10 years ago, we were both about 18, we had both completed secondary school but yet to start university; we were both fairly different people than we are now. I thought he was the most arrogant and insufferable creature than ever ‘crawled’ on this earth. I think he also thought I was full of hot air and nothing more. Now when I think back, I realize we were both trying so desperately to be adult-like and ‘cool’ and also struggling to come to grips with the whole ‘sexuality’ thing. I liked him he liked me; though he admits that for him it is more ‘physical’ and he just wanted to get into my pioto. I think we were both still virgins?? He can’t remember the exact date he broke his like I can. Anyway nothing happened between us, fast forward, 11 or so years later, after just months of being ‘serious’ we got married. I can’t believe I ended up with him and I can’t believe the change in him. Mutual friends who hear we are married usually comment that they always knew he ‘liked’ me. His friends are shocked he is married at all! He woulda been labeled ‘the most likely to remain a bachelor into his 40s’. But hey I came along again and he just couldn’t resist me (yea right!!) hehehehehe.

Anyway, marriage has changed both of us, not like it has changed our genetic make-up (whatever that means), I think it’s more about it helping us develop and grow. We are good for each other; I am absolutely positive that I would not have learned the same things from just any marriage. I feel that some of the tougher issues I’ve had to face with my husband and the whole marriage thing are the ones that taught me the most. I have learnt more about myself that I have learnt about him. I have learnt I am not as tolerant and laid-back as I thought I was. I actually have had to improve on that aspect of my personality.

Below is a list of things I have learnt so far from being married to my husband:

1.     It is possible to be on your best behaviour but still have a bad marriage. There is this old old saying that ‘Actions speak louder than words’; that is true but sometimes our inactions literally yells louder that our actions or words. This is a major one. During the times when my husband had pissed me off and I’m seething inside and thinking evil thoughts about him, those were the times when I have cooked him the best meals and used “please’ and thank you’ liberally. I have been extra polite but not affectionate. I had just enough to make everything seem ok on the surface.

An ex-boyfriend once advised me (after I’d gotten married, he’s been married a little longer). He said to me: “don’t change your personality, don’t focus on being the perfect wife. Live the relationship and focus on connecting with your husband emotionally”. I didn’t know what he meant exactly then as I was just a few days into my marriage. But when I started ‘misbehaving” small I then knew exactly what he meant. I was being the perfect Stepford Wife on the surface but there was no emotional connection between my husband and I. But please mind you, these moments usually lasted for not more than 48 hours (thank God)! I am not deep enough to keep grudges for too long and usually I am the one over-reacting as we females usually do; so it was only a matter of time that I came to my senses.

2.     You don’t always win a debate by yelling the loudest – I think I’ve always kinda known this but I have appreciated knowing this the more since getting married. I am naturally not a confrontational person and neither is my husband (in marriage but he does lose his rag often outside of marriage). I believe in having debates and verbalizing my displeasure. But in the first few months I was soooo conscious of the need to ‘solve problems’, ‘handling injustices’ and the need ‘not to go to bed angry’. I later realized I was too enthusiastic in this endeavour. It was like I was even looking for problems to solve! The littlest thing was an injustice that I had to ‘confront’ him about and get it ‘sorted’. But trying to solve things by verbally teaching or telling people seems very ineffective compared to other more subtle ways … sometimes you just have to let it go ….. sometimes it really is ok to go to bed angry because you may wake up and realize what a silly thing it all was after all.

I am not a poster-girl on the art of problem-solving without confrontation but I am still learning and I am a quick learner!

3.     Finances CAN cause trouble in marriage – I heard about this sooo many times before getting married and I always thought: “Our finances will be FINE.

Hellooo, two people = twice the money = we’ll pretty much be rich ……… well hellooooo again, it’s not been that clean-cut. We set up a joint account to put ‘spare’ cash in but well all I can say is that there is never that cash spare enough to put away.  My husband is a lot better with money than I am and that is one skill that I NEED to learn.

4.     Being normal is not as important as it seems. I am never one for doing things cos they are the ‘normal’ things to do. I think that stems from my upbringing, we were not hippies but I am sure having a mother who swears aint conventional is it? Even though my husband comes from a more conventional household; I think exposure to other cultures has made him a little bit as ‘crazy’ as I am.

Straight from the start of our marriage we didn’t do things the way everyone did them. We practically lived at my mom’s for about 3 months before we moved into our own place. We were still searching for a place albeit half-heartedly; I had some friends who thought that was not the way to do things. Like we had to move straight into our own house from the church and we should have had a handing over ceremony. For those who don’t know what this is – parents formally hand over their daughters to the new son-in-law and his family in the new home etc.

We have also thought that it really would be ok to allow our kids to swear. After all it is a form of self-expression? No? Aaaaah well. Also we didn’t introduce ourselves to our new neighbours despite well meaning friends advising us to. Well we kinda talked about it but just couldn’t be bothered in the end. But we did send them Christmas cards come December 09 …..

Rules?? What rules? I don’t believe in tying myself up to live a certain way. I don’t believe life is about being normal. It’s about being real and being real is much easier than being ‘normal’.

5.     It is ok to be mad - This is a point I may have learned that in any marriage since you’re bound to get mad at each other. And you will each have different things that you get angry at and different ways of expressing anger. Chief and I get mad at different things but don’t hold on to the feeling of anger for too long. I know of other husbands who stay mad for a long time. We get mad at both stupid things and justifiable things. But our views on what is stupid and what is justifiable differ and that is fine too.

Sometimes he gets mad for justifiable reasons – such as when I fart or burp when he is close to me or when others are nearby; my inability to remember any promises I make with respect to exercising and weight-loss efforts – I  mean, these are not huge deals but I see why changing them could be better so I am trying.

BUT he also gets mad about really stupid stuff. Most often when I nag him about something (not leaving dirt marks on the floor, rinsing the bathroom walls after a shower, not bouncing the basketball ball (do you say that?) in the living room, him being rude to artisans like our mechanic and house help. This is a situation where he’s mad, but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong or that I am not justified in whatever I am insisting on. In these scenarios, I learned not to care too much and just to let him be angry and get over it. It’s not about whether he (or any person) is mad – it’s about whether I’ve done something that’s right or wrong. If I am wrong, I try to fix it. If I did nothing wrong, I move on with my day and have fun. But before marriage, I was not able to feel at peace with this; I used to worry about upsetting other people and people perceiving me incorrectly. I’m glad I learned to be true to myself and worry less.

6.     Respect each other’s differences - Being together doesn’t automatically give you the license to change or mold your partner into someone you want him to be. I have tried a tiny little bit to try and get Chief to eat fish but to no avail. But essentially, I know I will cause myself more headache and heartache trying to change him or make him do things he really does not want to do. Main reason being quite a selfish one; I wouldn’t want him to change me too!!

He calls me the optimistic and he is more realistic (though I call it pessimistic and thinking the worse of people) and that’s okay. That gives us two perspectives in viewing any situation and we both learn from each other.

7.     Give each other enough space – Marriage has really ‘settled’ my husband. He’s had his ‘hey’ days when he was out every day all night. And these days he prefers a quiet night in to going out. I am still hanging out with my friends and I don’t mind going to events on my own. But people frown on this too. There is this notion that married couples should always be together and that shows that their relationship is stronger; bullcrap??? When either of us chooses to be with other people instead of the other, it is not the end of the world. I have realized that being away from each other sometimes can actually be good for our relationship. After all, we each had our own lives before we got together and being a couple doesn’t mean we should throw them away.

So I let him have his boys’ night out, he lets me have my girls’ night out. And when we meet at the end of the day, we can share our stories and adventures. Besides, we get to miss each other and I think it feels nice to hear the words “I miss you.”

8.     Love unconditionally, say ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘I love you often’!!!!

I’m sure I’ll add more to this list through the years. Fortunately, I know that I have a lot more to learn and I am very willing and look forward to many more years with him. I am so thankful that I have a patient, sometimes grumpy and loving husband. So as I continue in such a wonderful season of life in marriage, I pray that the Lord would not only give us a joyful and loving marriage, but also use our marriage to make us more holy, that we might cultivate a deeper passion and love for one another. Someone say AMEN!!!!

Any great relationship lessons? I’d love to hear them.