Conversations With My Husband

One of the unexpected things that has come out of my marriage is the sheer absurdity in the verbal exchanges I have with my husband. Monday to Friday are hard days for me; when I crawl into the house around 6:30pm, crawl out of the shower and crawl onto the couch and repossess the TV remote  there is not that much talking happening and the little we do does not make much sense.

Below are a few of our verbal wranglings ….
H is Him and
M is Me

Episode 1

H: (pointing to heavily bearded man on TV) this is how I want my moustache to look like

M: but it won’t look like that. Your facial hair doesn’t grow right.

H: I will put SuperGro on it; in fact I will dip my whole face in SuperGro.

M: (rolling my eyes dramatically)

Episode 2

H: (in his white briefs) why are you looking at me like that?

M: I just learnt something new today

H: what?

M: you look very well endowed in those briefs

H: (puzzled look on his face)

M: just makes me realise that all those male models in the Calvin Klein underwear adverts may not be as ‘big’ in the flesh as I’ve always thought. Hahahahahahahha

H: (doesn’t look very amused)

Episode 3

H: they are saying there is going to be an earthquake

M: who said?

H: Parroka (the security guard) and all the neighbours are outside but I can’t find any info on BBC or CNN

M: what is the time?

H: 4am

M: please close the bedroom door behind you when you leave (cover myself with the cloth for another hour of snooze)

Episode 4

This time we are both in living room but pass each other messages written on pieces of paper like we are in a classroom and trying not to attract the attention of a teacher.

H: hi, my name is Chief

M: I know

H: I will like to get into your pioto

M: come and lick my punani

H: oh yea, I will like to juice it real good and also milk those boobies

M: (rolling my eyes dramatically and ignore him)

About 30 minutes later

Me: let’s go have sex

H: Sorry, I’m not in the mood anymore

M: (seething with anger inside)

Episode 5

Me: can you make the salad today

H: ok. What should I put in it?

M: anything honey, it’s your salad, do whatever you want. You are always going on about how you used to cook when you lived on your own. Please don’t tell me you need me to tell you what goes into a salad

H: well since I married you I’ve forgotten how.

Episode 6

Coming back to the bedroom from the bathroom to get ready for work, I found a piece of paper under my engagement and wedding rings by my bedside. On it was written “My name is Emmanuel Okyere, and I love you very muchJ”.

Me: Aaaaawwwww! My romantic, fantastic lover!

H: Foolish!

3 hours later, I’m at work and he calls me

H: how are you doing?

M: I’m floating on cloud 9

H: why?

M: Cos my husband loves me

H:  aaaawwww stupid!

Episode 7

H: Ah but did he think the tampons were for me?

M: Well maybe you are a closet gay and your a*hole is leaking all the time from ‘over-use’

H: Stupid! Yea I’ve been doing it with Nana and Tostee (my brothers).

Episode 8

 M: You need to shave your armpit

H: I’m actually growing it; I want to be able to braid it.

M: That is not going to be a good idea hygiene-wise; where will the deodorant go? It will be not be on the skin but be all tangled up in the hair (at this point, I’m using that kinda tone and intonation you use on kids so you win an argument; slowly and softly; I need him to shave dammit!)

H: I will spray the deo into the air around the armpit and the skin will absorb the deo from the air

M: What the fuck are you on about?? (I’m close to losing it here)

Episode 9

H: I’ve downloaded the entire catalogue of the Na’vi language (language invented for the movie Avatar)

M: (quizzical look on my face) What??

H: Very soon I will be able to speak fluent Na’vi

M: What the fuck?

H: You can learn as well

M: No, thank you, I’ve not yet mastered the English language

H: I know …… (bursts out laughing). I love the look on your face right now.

Episode 10

After watching the music video for 50 Cents’ ‘Baby by Me’

M: I can seduce 50 Cent, have his baby and then we can live off the child support payments. $50,000 a month should do aye? We wldnt have to work a day in our lives again. What do you think?

H: No, thank you! Everyone would still know I’m married to 50 Cent’s whore

M: (disappointed look on my face; I really wanted an excuse and permission to ‘do’ that ‘hot muscle’)