Things I’ve Learnt from Marriage

Sunday 17^th and 24^th January 2010 would mark the first anniversaries of my traditional marriage and wedding ceremonies respectively. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I can’t help but give myself a pat on the back for not stabbing my husband yet; but to be honest, he’s not given me any reason to want to do that. We did have a few heated words this morning on exercising and losing weight but as usual I think I left home more upset than my husband was feeling. If we do a rewind later tonight he would be puzzled if I labeled it an ‘argument’ and mention that I was upset. To him, we just spoke about exercise. That is my husband for you …. I am sure if anyone asked him if we’ve ever had a fight he would say no.

My husband’s strengths and faults are a good match to my own. When we met over 10 years ago, we were both about 18, we had both completed secondary school but yet to start university; we were both fairly different people than we are now. I thought he was the most arrogant and insufferable creature than ever ‘crawled’ on this earth. I think he also thought I was full of hot air and nothing more. Now when I think back, I realize we were both trying so desperately to be adult-like and ‘cool’ and also struggling to come to grips with the whole ‘sexuality’ thing. I liked him he liked me; though he admits that for him it is more ‘physical’ and he just wanted to get into my pioto. I think we were both still virgins?? He can’t remember the exact date he broke his like I can. Anyway nothing happened between us, fast forward, 11 or so years later, after just months of being ‘serious’ we got married. I can’t believe I ended up with him and I can’t believe the change in him. Mutual friends who hear we are married usually comment that they always knew he ‘liked’ me. His friends are shocked he is married at all! He woulda been labeled ‘the most likely to remain a bachelor into his 40s’. But hey I came along again and he just couldn’t resist me (yea right!!) hehehehehe.

Anyway, marriage has changed both of us, not like it has changed our genetic make-up (whatever that means), I think it’s more about it helping us develop and grow. We are good for each other; I am absolutely positive that I would not have learned the same things from just any marriage. I feel that some of the tougher issues I’ve had to face with my husband and the whole marriage thing are the ones that taught me the most. I have learnt more about myself that I have learnt about him. I have learnt I am not as tolerant and laid-back as I thought I was. I actually have had to improve on that aspect of my personality.

Below is a list of things I have learnt so far from being married to my husband:

1.     It is possible to be on your best behaviour but still have a bad marriage. There is this old old saying that ‘Actions speak louder than words’; that is true but sometimes our inactions literally yells louder that our actions or words. This is a major one. During the times when my husband had pissed me off and I’m seething inside and thinking evil thoughts about him, those were the times when I have cooked him the best meals and used “please’ and thank you’ liberally. I have been extra polite but not affectionate. I had just enough to make everything seem ok on the surface.

An ex-boyfriend once advised me (after I’d gotten married, he’s been married a little longer). He said to me: “don’t change your personality, don’t focus on being the perfect wife. Live the relationship and focus on connecting with your husband emotionally”. I didn’t know what he meant exactly then as I was just a few days into my marriage. But when I started ‘misbehaving” small I then knew exactly what he meant. I was being the perfect Stepford Wife on the surface but there was no emotional connection between my husband and I. But please mind you, these moments usually lasted for not more than 48 hours (thank God)! I am not deep enough to keep grudges for too long and usually I am the one over-reacting as we females usually do; so it was only a matter of time that I came to my senses.

2.     You don’t always win a debate by yelling the loudest – I think I’ve always kinda known this but I have appreciated knowing this the more since getting married. I am naturally not a confrontational person and neither is my husband (in marriage but he does lose his rag often outside of marriage). I believe in having debates and verbalizing my displeasure. But in the first few months I was soooo conscious of the need to ‘solve problems’, ‘handling injustices’ and the need ‘not to go to bed angry’. I later realized I was too enthusiastic in this endeavour. It was like I was even looking for problems to solve! The littlest thing was an injustice that I had to ‘confront’ him about and get it ‘sorted’. But trying to solve things by verbally teaching or telling people seems very ineffective compared to other more subtle ways … sometimes you just have to let it go ….. sometimes it really is ok to go to bed angry because you may wake up and realize what a silly thing it all was after all.

I am not a poster-girl on the art of problem-solving without confrontation but I am still learning and I am a quick learner!

3.     Finances CAN cause trouble in marriage – I heard about this sooo many times before getting married and I always thought: “Our finances will be FINE.

Hellooo, two people = twice the money = we’ll pretty much be rich ……… well hellooooo again, it’s not been that clean-cut. We set up a joint account to put ‘spare’ cash in but well all I can say is that there is never that cash spare enough to put away.  My husband is a lot better with money than I am and that is one skill that I NEED to learn.

4.     Being normal is not as important as it seems. I am never one for doing things cos they are the ‘normal’ things to do. I think that stems from my upbringing, we were not hippies but I am sure having a mother who swears aint conventional is it? Even though my husband comes from a more conventional household; I think exposure to other cultures has made him a little bit as ‘crazy’ as I am.

Straight from the start of our marriage we didn’t do things the way everyone did them. We practically lived at my mom’s for about 3 months before we moved into our own place. We were still searching for a place albeit half-heartedly; I had some friends who thought that was not the way to do things. Like we had to move straight into our own house from the church and we should have had a handing over ceremony. For those who don’t know what this is – parents formally hand over their daughters to the new son-in-law and his family in the new home etc.

We have also thought that it really would be ok to allow our kids to swear. After all it is a form of self-expression? No? Aaaaah well. Also we didn’t introduce ourselves to our new neighbours despite well meaning friends advising us to. Well we kinda talked about it but just couldn’t be bothered in the end. But we did send them Christmas cards come December 09 …..

Rules?? What rules? I don’t believe in tying myself up to live a certain way. I don’t believe life is about being normal. It’s about being real and being real is much easier than being ‘normal’.

5.     It is ok to be mad - This is a point I may have learned that in any marriage since you’re bound to get mad at each other. And you will each have different things that you get angry at and different ways of expressing anger. Chief and I get mad at different things but don’t hold on to the feeling of anger for too long. I know of other husbands who stay mad for a long time. We get mad at both stupid things and justifiable things. But our views on what is stupid and what is justifiable differ and that is fine too.

Sometimes he gets mad for justifiable reasons – such as when I fart or burp when he is close to me or when others are nearby; my inability to remember any promises I make with respect to exercising and weight-loss efforts – I  mean, these are not huge deals but I see why changing them could be better so I am trying.

BUT he also gets mad about really stupid stuff. Most often when I nag him about something (not leaving dirt marks on the floor, rinsing the bathroom walls after a shower, not bouncing the basketball ball (do you say that?) in the living room, him being rude to artisans like our mechanic and house help. This is a situation where he’s mad, but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong or that I am not justified in whatever I am insisting on. In these scenarios, I learned not to care too much and just to let him be angry and get over it. It’s not about whether he (or any person) is mad – it’s about whether I’ve done something that’s right or wrong. If I am wrong, I try to fix it. If I did nothing wrong, I move on with my day and have fun. But before marriage, I was not able to feel at peace with this; I used to worry about upsetting other people and people perceiving me incorrectly. I’m glad I learned to be true to myself and worry less.

6.     Respect each other’s differences - Being together doesn’t automatically give you the license to change or mold your partner into someone you want him to be. I have tried a tiny little bit to try and get Chief to eat fish but to no avail. But essentially, I know I will cause myself more headache and heartache trying to change him or make him do things he really does not want to do. Main reason being quite a selfish one; I wouldn’t want him to change me too!!

He calls me the optimistic and he is more realistic (though I call it pessimistic and thinking the worse of people) and that’s okay. That gives us two perspectives in viewing any situation and we both learn from each other.

7.     Give each other enough space – Marriage has really ‘settled’ my husband. He’s had his ‘hey’ days when he was out every day all night. And these days he prefers a quiet night in to going out. I am still hanging out with my friends and I don’t mind going to events on my own. But people frown on this too. There is this notion that married couples should always be together and that shows that their relationship is stronger; bullcrap??? When either of us chooses to be with other people instead of the other, it is not the end of the world. I have realized that being away from each other sometimes can actually be good for our relationship. After all, we each had our own lives before we got together and being a couple doesn’t mean we should throw them away.

So I let him have his boys’ night out, he lets me have my girls’ night out. And when we meet at the end of the day, we can share our stories and adventures. Besides, we get to miss each other and I think it feels nice to hear the words “I miss you.”

8.     Love unconditionally, say ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘I love you often’!!!!

I’m sure I’ll add more to this list through the years. Fortunately, I know that I have a lot more to learn and I am very willing and look forward to many more years with him. I am so thankful that I have a patient, sometimes grumpy and loving husband. So as I continue in such a wonderful season of life in marriage, I pray that the Lord would not only give us a joyful and loving marriage, but also use our marriage to make us more holy, that we might cultivate a deeper passion and love for one another. Someone say AMEN!!!!

Any great relationship lessons? I’d love to hear them.