Why bother watching horror movies

If you crave some horror for a few minutes, switch to BBC or any other international news tv channel during their 'Africa Hour' or whatever they call it fronted by the token broadcaster of African descent they have on their payroll (some people may be offended by this but hey); or of just their 'regular news' about a nanny stabbing the children in her keep, or a father jumping of a high rise balcony clutching his kids, or a mobster blasting off the brains of a rival in broad daylight .....

For the life of me I don't know why anyone will choose to sit through close to 2 hours of a gory horror flick. Don't we have enough right on our doorsteps and on the news? Give me a nonsensical romantic comedy any day, a nice escape from dreary reality. Thank You!

Over dosing on Quotes on Marriages & Relationships ……………………

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” 
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

“You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” 
― Jodi Picoult, Mercy

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.” 
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

“Love, is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.” 
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.” 
― Cher

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” 
― Albert Einstein

“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

“I don't want to be married just to be married. I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with.” 
― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” 
― Katharine Hepburn

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?” 
― Barbra Streisand

“No woman wants to be in submission to a man who isn't in submission to God!” 
― T.D. Jakes

“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I Love Him So!

My husband and I are the proud owners of an 8 month old Doberman called Ace that we’ve had since he was about 12 weeks old.  Ace is like family and most of the time I would rather spend time in bed hearing him at my bedroom window than spend time with most of the people that I know.

He loves me no matter what...if I am having a bad day or good day, if I am stressed or not, if I am well or sick... He is like my baby who will never grow up. J I would NEVER say having a dog is the same as having a child or children. It’s not. I would also never say being a parent is easy. I respect parents so much. But, personally, I feel there are definitely *similarities between having a child and having a dog. Loving, responsible pet owners absolutely go through “child-like” experiences with their animals.

The unconditional love from my dog melts my heart; the way he wags his tail (or tries to wag his tail as his was docked off soon after birth) when he sees me; the way he licks my hands and feet and climbs all over me, the way he jumps up to my bedroom window when he hears I’m in and pushes his face through the railings to be petted; the way he completely ignores my screams to ‘Stop it” (whatever it is); the way I worry when his barking seems a little bit different at night; the way my heart bleeds when he is being spanked even though I know he kinda deserves it …………He keeps me up at night with his racket but when I look into his brown eyes in the morning I seem to forget how upset I was the night before.

The only downside to having Ace is the constant little disagreement between my husband I as to how we want him to be brought up, as a fierce guard dog or as a loyal family pet. I’m delighted to say that nature seems to be winning over nurture and Ace is just a loveable rogue who’d rather play and be petted than to guard. And it is through no doing of mine, I swear! J

I Love This!!!!

Many Facebookers need to read this but I don't want to offend my 'aunties' on facebook so it is not going on there ... yet

Dear Diary,

I will be 33 next month and I am quite concerned that my life is not quite what I woulda wished it to be at this grand old age. Truth is I don't even know how I woulda wished it to be; I just know that it is what my primary school teacher will rate as 'Not Satisfactory'.

It is not mere coincidence that I have taken the plunge and resigned from work without a job; i have done it before but this time round I'm in no hurry to dive into another job where I will have to care about the needs of a boss and others.

I have decided to:

• really wait for the right job that ticks MY boxes.
• I have decided to start my own business which has been work in progress for a while but I need to get off the ground
• I have decided to take a break from life (no, wait, I am not suicidal, not full-blown,I am too puny for that) for the rest of this year
• I have decided to be selfish for a month and just laze out and vegetate at home, watch trashy housewife daytime tv, eat ice-cream and pretend to be a rich housewife who lunches and visits her dressmaker every week

Life is going on, 40 is rushing towards me at full throttle. In my head I am still 25! My body with its battle scars says otherwise but in my mind I will always be that 25 year old who had finished her 1st degree and was  trying out life, living on her own alone in a town thousands of miles from her mama. I was trying to figure out relationships. I was cheating and being cheated on. I was getting tired of eating fried egg and oven baked chips and trying to properly cook something apart from jollof for myself. I think I shouldn't have because I was able to lose sooo much weight on fried eggs and oven-baked chips.

I was pretending to work and save money for grad school even though I spent all my money on cheap clothing and accessories and being lured by the gadgets sold on the home shopping tv channels. I lived day by day without much planning. I just cared about making the rent and paying for my electric, water and grocery. I was enjoying going to the cinema alone in the afternoons.

My life for a while now has been just too damn grown-up and I need a break ... for a while ....... until the husband starts getting worried. Maybe I will be able to instill some discipline into my dog so he will respect and obey me like he does the Pack Leader (I've been watching too much Dog Whisperer :-))

This November and December are going to be my 'slowest' months yet and I am looking forward to that. In the mean time, charity donations are welcome to feed my clothing and ice cream addictions. Thank You!!

New Game

I've come up with a new game!  It’s called, “Let’s see where my husband’s emptied or half-emptied water sachet has ended up today!” 

Here’s the clue:

Today it is the ironing table but it has been found in ‘exotic locations’ such as on top of the toilet cistern, on the bedside table, buried deep in the couch, on top of the fridge, in the fridge (empty), in the closet/wardrobe, on the shoe rack, on MY side of the dressing table, on top of the TV … I could go on

No One Told Me That .....

No one told me that:

·         Men take their clothes off, let them fall gently to the floor, gently step out of them and walk away leaving them on the floor

·         Grown ass men’s poop smell soooo bad

·         Pee on the toilet seat and around the bowl will upset me soo much and make my blood boil when I sit on them

·         Using a separate toilet to the one your husband uses could make your marriage soo much healthier and easier

·         Men think a grunt or an ‘eyebrow raise’ is adequate response to a question

·         A man’s idea of being “in charge of the dishes” is to pretty much ignore them until we no longer have room in the sink to stack any more dishes

·         It is possible that a man will shower before me in the morning but I will still end up waiting at least 10 minutes for him to be ready to walk out of the door

I am continually amazed by my discoveries of things new every day I live with this man in his cave

Remembering My Angel Baby

I am convinced that losing a child is something that you never “get over.” Yes, it’s something that becomes easier to talk about and easier to deal with, but you never forget. It doesn’t matter how long you knew a little one was growing inside you, or how long you got to spend time with them in person…the love you feel is intensely full and possessive and the pain of loss indescribably immense when you lose a child to heaven.

The 14^th of September is our angel baby’s birthday and will always be every year. Our baby shares the same birthdate as Amy Winehouse; I remember how this thought made me slightly nauseous a year ago. This 14^th of September is only the first 14^th of September that I have experienced since we lost our Awura Akua. In one sense it feels like forever ago, but when I think about the pain and heartbreak that I felt, it seems like yesterday. The grief is still there. Seasoned with grace, yes, but it’s still there.

When she arrived, we were apprehensive the first week but overjoyed and incredibly in love at the same time. This tiny little bird who weighed less than a kilo but oh sooo feisty and breathing on her own! But we lost her suddenly almost 3 weeks later. I am not going to dwell too much on the pain now in this post, it is still there, it is very personal and I have harped on about it enough on this blog. Y’all must be tired of it by now so I will spare you.

But on this 14^th September, the first of many that I will treasure cos it’s my first born’s birthday, Sugar Bear Wofa Yaw and I went away. We drove out of Accra to be away from it all. It was a good weekend away filled with both poignant and crazy moments like:

·         Being stopped by Cape Coast policemen cos I was not wearing my seatbelt and had not had my driving license validated. They seized my license, I was in no mood to bribe so I apologised but did not get my license back. But I just loved the fury on the policeman’s face as he booked me; you aint getting no money out of me sucker!

·         Commenting to Wofa Yaw that I actually don’t know how to get to GeyHey and then exclaiming loudly with surprise when we drove by the gates moments later! How could I have missed Abura and Kakumdo?

·         Being hounded by these persky (I know it is not a proper word but I feel it describes them best) little boys at the entrance to Kakum Forest to buy cocoa pods. Who buys cocoa pods?? What do you do with them??

·         My heart dropping down to my big black ass the minute my feet stepped onto the canopy walk. Who was I kidding?????????? I nearly shat my pants and I have no idea how I made it across that first one! Memories of being scared shitless when Kokui and I went on this ride at a fair in Nottingham back in 2004 or so crossed my mind.

At least I now know that my idea of a holiday or R&R is vegetating on a beach with a good book, music and lots of food and cocktails. I have no adventurous bone in my body! Fuck all that!

·         Deciding to drive from Cape Coast to have a drink in Takoradi after 7pm just because we could. And experiencing car trouble en route!

·         Seeing those ladies of the night at Champs in Takoradi, ei!! The hair, the hooker heels, the brazen attitude! Wow!

I am soo glad we decided to go away. I don’t know how I would have been able to deal with the usual troubles of a day at work etc on that day.

As I remember my precious little Aubrey Joy Awura Akua who is in heaven, I wonder what kind of personality she would have had. I wonder if you will truly have looked just like me as your Papa thought; Grandma said you are the most beautiful baby girl as she bathed you and my chest becomes tight knowing she never knew you alive.

But, I rejoice knowing that this little one awaits me in heaven. My faith has been shaken through it all and I struggle to pray and go to church but I tell myself if there is a heaven then I have to strive to get there so I will meet our first born again.

So from earth to heaven: “I love you my angel baby. I’ll see you soon, ok?”

DON'T GET MARRIED IF....

If you’re not ready to delay gratification when your are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, your muses… don’t get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don’t lose yourself but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God’s blessing: little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt….. don’t get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don’t abandon your spouse to your relatives. It’s betrayal.

If you are not ready to pay bills…. don’t get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and your gazes at each other, O so romantic.

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex “best friends” and invest that into your spouse. To like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them, above anyone else… don’t get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses…. don’t get married. Let the Joneses buy their yatch when you are still walking, and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross the oceans but you may be going through the road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.

If you are not ready to be an open book. To tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection…. don’t get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in the marriage. It doesn’t enjoy being ignored and the more you snob, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the “neat” and “all together lovely” image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming…. don’t get married. Don’t take somebody’s son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It’s romanticized in the movies, it’s being fronted as the only “realistic” way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts, broken dreams and conniving.

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush ofa risque life and to settle down…. don’t get married. The great Colombus [who we were told "discovered" America, Have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it, knew that it existed :-) ] had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about the wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the death and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found, there was great disappointment. Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: “This day, we sailed on.”.

Marriage, like life in general, has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend on wild romance, all night sex [ha], romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The “boom twaff” moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready or you’re not: You decide!. But please don’t marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives :-) . A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up day by day. If you are not ready for that demand, don’t get married!!!!

Barikiweni.- Author Judy Karanja

If My Vagina Could Talk ........

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Aaaaahhhh ........

This morning has been  proper weird. 

I have had a rough few weeks. At the end of March and last week (first week in April), I have been brooding on how my 2011 went and how it's been six months since our loss. I can only describe my 2011 as .... trough .... peak ...... trough and my 2012 as  ..... trough .... so deep I struggle to see over the edge of the chasm I seem to find myself in. It's like rock-bottom hard. And it is harder because I am pretending to both my family and friends that I am cool. I mean how long can you put up a front for without tiring yourself out?

I feel I may not also be helping myself much and maybe not making enough effort to appreciate what else is good. I can count them certainly but they don't move me; I have become quite selfish with God. Charley I can't even sing in church, the few times I have been. I feel bad about it but not terrible enough to do something about it. But how do you 'do something about it'? Really? 

If I am completely honest with myself I will admit that I am not happy with my life. I am not happy with how I am dealing with life and it's issues. And I am sure others are by now tired of me and my issues; well, it's a good thing I am not burdening them with that then! :-)

Today, as I opened my inbox and read the daily emails I subscribe to, it just seemed sooo strange that both my Daily Bread and a daily quote service I subscribe to touched on life's struggles and coping with them. 

In fact today's Daily Bread is about a couple losing their 9 year old and how they were coping by seeking solace in the Lord. I have always been ticked off when people flippantly just told me to 'trust in God' and let it be etc. People I felt had no place telling me this if they did not have a clue what I was going through if they had not had similar experiences. But this couple to unexpectedly lose a 9 year old. 9 years of bonding and loving a child and they trusting in God ..... That floored me. I need to do better with myself and God. I need to get out of this funk and make an effort to get better and be better.

Then the other email too I have shared below; enough said .......

Count Your Blessings
Unknown Author

I've never made a fortune,

and it's probably too late now.

But I don't worry about that much,

I'm happy anyhow.



And as I go along life's way,

I'm reaping better than I sowed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.



Haven't got a lot of riches,

and sometimes the going's tough.

But I've got loving ones all around me,

and that makes me rich enough.



I thank God for his blessings,

and the mercies He's bestowed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.



I remember times when things went wrong,

My faith wore somewhat thin.

But all at once the dark clouds broke,

and the sun peeped through again.



So Lord, help me not to gripe,

about the tough rows I have hoed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.



If God gives me strength and courage,

When the way grows steep and rough.

I'll not ask for other blessings,

I'm already blessed enough.



And may I never be too busy,

to help others bear their loads.

Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.



When I think of how many people

in this world have it worse than I do.

I realize just how blessed most of us really are.

The Leaf With A Teardrop

What? How could that be? Is this just a nightmare? When will I wake up? I just want to wake up!

But, I didn't wake up. It was real. I was so utterly shocked and frantic that I couldn’t cry at first.

All in a single moment, my whole world crumbled around me and my dreams were shattered. Shaking my head back and forth, the only words I could put together were “no, no no,” half wanting to plead with the nurse but knowing there was nothing she could do to reverse events and take back her words.

God can I please have her back?!

But, there was nothing I could do...just cry.

It all felt like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.

My little girl was gone.

Deep belly sobs rattled me to the core and for the third time in my life, I felt that ache in my heart that comes from knowing my child is in the arms of the Lord, rather than here with me.

I just found out today that in some parts of the US when mothers lose their babies, they have a picture of a leaf with a teardrop hanging on the door to their hospital room, to inform nurses and doctors that whoever was inside that room has a baby that didn't survive and it is sooo significant in what it means and stands for. 

"The leaf with the teardrop reflects both intense suffering of loss and hope for the future. Though fallen, the leaf maintains its vitality, symbolizing hope. It cradles the teardrop with its upturned edges creating a sense of comfort.  As seasons change, so do feelings.  Just as there is winter and spring, there is sadness and hope."

A Journey - 18th February 2012

18^th February 2012

I need some peace in my life

I have been feeling disconnected from the God I felt connected to a few months earlier. I struggle to pray cos I feel he knows me more than I know myself and will not buy any bullshit pretence from me in prayer.

I cannot pretend I understand.

I cannot pretend I am patiently waiting on him.

I cannot pretend I am willing to leave all to him.

I cannot pretend I care about anything else apart from what I have lost.

All the other good things in my life give me no comfort.

I even feel disconnected in church cos connecting will mean breaking down and making a fool of myself in front of strangers.

I am losing myself in buying clothes! Oh my goodness! Thank God I don’t own a credit card at this point in my life. I’m burning up enough Airtel units to browse!!

I am planning a trip in a few months and I am quite excited by that. Something to do! I just wish I were brave enough to try a country I have never been to before. But I guess I have the whole year ahead of me to realize new thrills and dreams.

God’s speed to me! Yea selfish new me! J

A Journey - 29th October 2011

29^th October 2011

It is better on most days but not easier.

It takes just one fleeting thought to bring it all back like it was just yesterday.

They say it gets better with time; and I believe them on most days.

But on the days that it all seems so fresh and hurts like new, I'm so scared it will always be the same and I wonder how I can survive it.

I never want to forget her yet I want to be able to move on and feel some semblance of hope and happiness again. How do I reconcile these two wishes?

I'm scared of the known. I'm not sure how I can handle other friend's babies and be happy for others.

I'm so self-absorbed now and nothing matters more than my own personal misfortune. I still haven't been able to start and finish a prayer. I can't whole-heartedly praise and adore Him in prayer; He will see right through it all.

I'm told it's ok to cry out to Him but I guess He knows it all already, what is lying heavy in my heart. The way my life has been redefined.

I don't want to be defined by my loss; I am much more than this one experience.

Yet, it is the most important now. It is all I think about.

Returning to work has helped in some way yet it feels strange knowing that the world is still going on. It did not stop.

It is hard dealing with having to correct the congratulatory messages and then the pitying words and looks. But I'm sure that too will die down and get better.

I need to find the strength inside to:

·         Move on

·         Care about other things like my job

·         Make future plans

·         Get back in touch with God

·         Not lose connection with my husband

·         Not forget the world did not stop revolving; day is still turning into night and night into day

·         Not lose touch with well meaning friends

A Journey - 13th October 2012

13th October 2011

I miss waking up with a purpose or plan for the day.

I miss laughing with absolute abandon; the type of laugh that starts deep inside me and erupts out of my lips.

I miss looking forward to the start of a new day.

I miss the banality of those days.

I miss having the will to have a good old tiff with him.

I miss the absence of sadness.

I miss the old me.

I miss her.

When will I feel whole again?

When will I care again?

When will the sadness go away? It seems to have taken up permanent residence deep inside me.

When will my heart stop aching? When will it stop skipping beats?

When will I find the strength to move on?

When will she come back?

A Journey - 8th October 2011

8th October 2011

I keep thinking: I lost my baby. My baby is gone. My baby is never coming home.

I try to occupy my thoughts with other things, and I succeed for a while but sure enough after a short while, these thoughts come back.

I don't understand why this happened. We were not prepared. There was no warning, no sign, no indication. She couldn't have just stopped breathing?? Why did she just stop breathing? Why did God allow that to happen?

I thought we had finally been able to align our wishes with God's plan for our lives. We were sooo hopeful after the first week. We thought that was it. We had soo many plans for her. Soo many people were happy for us and praying for her. This was it for us, we thought.

It's like driving merrily on a quiet highway, with no other cars around you, all the lights are turning green for you and you are doing a steady 100km/HR while humming along to the radio, very sure you will get to your destination in no time. Then out of no where, you are hit on your side by another car doing 1000 km/hr! Out of nowhere!! The shock is immense and the air is knocked out of you and you are not sure you will ever be able to breathe again.

When I close my eyes, I see her. The way she was the last time I saw her on Sunday before going to church. She was lying on her side sleeping, looking so content. I touched her, and she cried softly. Chief said not to disturb her. I was soo happy she was growing! I could see and feel cartilage growing in her ears!! I raved about that to anyone who would listen that Sunday! Then we went to church and I cried as I thanked God for being soo good to us and answering our prayers. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God. I thought the people sitting around us would wonder who is this crazy woman smiling and crying. Little did I know.

My life seemed to have stopped on Monday morning when I walked in to see her. I was ready wih my cooled Breast milk, I was ready to pump some more for her. Then the nurse called me aside and when I looked into her face, all I could say was Oh Noooo! I was numb all over. My life stopped then. I keep replaying that moment  over and over in my head.

When will the pain stop oh Lord? I'm trying to move on but .... My chest feels sooo tight and my thoughts so heavy, and the tears just beneath my eyelids, ready to spill over and over.

This is not like the other loses. I feel sooo tired and numb and sad and wrung out. I feel like I've gone through a full cycle in a washing machine. I can't adequately articulate it. Friends mean well but their messages of good will and questions just tire me out.

Where can I find solace oh Lord? I am sooo grateful for my brave lioness of a mother and my dear dear husband. The only one who shares this with me equally. my protector, my partner, my life mate. I'm soo sorry he has to experience this but I'm grateful he is the one I'm experiencing this with. I can't imagine this without him.

I wish that when I say it is well, I meant it. Cos, i don't but I am hopeful.